Prayer For The Broken

So much of my life has been spent in oblivion--that strange place where you try to forget all the bad stuff that’s happened in your life and focus on the good. You try and forget the bad stuff about your friends, relationships, work, life, etc. and focus on what’s good about all those things.
I have purposely tried to avoid negative things because sometimes not knowing the truth is better than the alternative: knowing the truth and allowing it to hurt or affect you. Sometimes, I avoid hearing gossip for this very reason. I would rather not know why people dislike each other because I choose instead to form my own opinion one way or the other. I’d rather not know the toils and obstacles or the shortcomings in a person’s character or life because I’d like to continue to see them as better people than perhaps they really are.
Sometimes, inevitably, you learn about people when you spend time with them. You get to know the good, the bad, and sometimes, the ugly. I realize when I share who it is I am, my past "horrors" tend to scare people away at first because they assume things about me or make judgements about who I am based on my past. That is understandable when you look around and see how many people out there are broken, hurting, sad.
Recently, I was told some disheartening information about someone I hadn’t ever known before. All the questions I had asked myself about this person’s personality were suddenly resolved in the discovery. I was shocked to say the least that this person was so completely broken and lost. Some people are always a victim, a victim of circumstances, a victim of bad relationships, a victim of their own self-deprecating behavior.
Perhaps one day I will have the courage to attempt to post a blog more about this … but for now, I just wanted to say a little prayer for all of those out there who are broken and hurting.
Lately, I have struggled to find faith even in its smallest measure. If you could pray this with me, maybe if there’s a God up there, we can convince him to help heal some of these people so they can find happiness in their lives. If you are the one hurting, or have been hurt, abused, abandoned, whatever, in the past, I hope you can find peace.

God I pray that you help those who are hurting in their lives, those who are sad or broken. I pray that you would lift those people up, bless them, and help them to find peace. I pray that you help them realize that they have a purpose here on earth and they just need to find what it is. I pray that you would offer them comfort in their time of need and that you would look into their hearts and heal their hurts so that they can find whatever purpose it is that they were meant for. I pray that they are able to let go of their hurts and hang-ups and let go of those hurts they have suffered in the past. I pray that you give them strength for this journey of healing and I pray that their hearts are opened to let something new and wonderful happen in their lives. All this I pray in your name. Amen.

Hold On To Yourself

I must rely on the wise words of Sarah Mclachlan and Jewel for this blog ... as I descend into a subject a friend and I have recently been talking about. Specifically, how to hold on to yourself after you've fallen in love and gotten hurt.
"Hold on ... Hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like Hell." ~Sarah M
Many of you can relate what it's like when you first fall in love with someone. At first, you can't believe it's happening to you. But suddenly, your heart is slipping, sliding, gracefully falling towards complete reckless abandon and love. Everything is perfect. You finally reach that point in your life where it means something to you. The world is a little bit brighter, your days a little bit easier. Eventually, you let go. They're kind to you, they take care of you, they love you back. You let go of that tiny voice in the back of your head and heart that tells you they might hurt you. You let it go so that you are completey submersed in your love. You see their faults; you accept them for who they are.
But then there's a problem that emerges. At first, it's something small. But then one day something happens-maybe it's something big like cheating on you. Whatever it is, it shatters you. You are the mirror that's broken into a thousand pieces and are left, all alone, to try and figure out what went wrong.
I think a lot of people who end up saying they have "trust issues" really mean they have issues trusting themselves. Because they lost sight of who they were while they were in that relationship. They let go of themselves and got lost in the idea of their "perfect" love. So instead of seeing the warning signs, or perhaps completely ignoring the warning signs, end up careening off a cliff.
"You try and tell yourself you'll be all right ... I shouldn't think anymore tonight cuz dreams last for so long ... even after you're gone." ~ Jewel
We all have an idea of how it should go. But sometimes we end up losing ourselves. So when we emerge, on the other side of the broken relationship, we stopped trusting ourselves. You see, it's easier to convince ourselves that we've done something wrong, that there's something we could have changed or done differently and everything would have been all right. But that's our faulty thinking.
After J and I broke up, I did blame myself. I blamed myself for harboring a grudge after the first time I caught him being slightly unfaithful. I blamed myself for holding him too tightly. Worse, after I lost my trust in him the first time, I never gave him a chance to earn my trust back. I blamed myself for everything that went wrong. But that's ridiculous! I completely missed the warning signs that were CLEARLY there before this all happened. For example, though I lived with him, he never wanted me to get the mail. He especially never wanted me to answer the phone. What kind of living situation is it when you can't even answer your own phone? He even went out of his way to get me my own line!
He justified his actions by telling me that he was a "private person" and explained it wouldn't look good for a supervisor to date a subbordinate. Somehow, I let him convince me that type of thinking was acceptable, and it wasn't! Every time he would get upset with me, I would convince myself it was my fault. Or worse, he would tell me it was my fault and I would believe him!
At the end of our "relationship" he had me convinced that I was crazy!
So some time went by and I realized that ... I wasn't the crazy one! He was. He had issues to resolve and things that he needed to work on. The reason I got so lost is because I let go of myself and let go of the person I am. I gave him more respect than I gave myself. Once I realized that I was the one who had all the power, it all made sense! His cheating was about control (ask any psychologist-they'll tell you the same thing) ... and it was never about me! I wasn't the one to be blamed!
About six months after I discovered this, he took me out to lunch and his words, while a bittersweet remedy, shocked me. By this point, his new girlfriend was pregant. There was no chance I was getting back together with him. And by this time, I'd already moved on ... anyways, he told me that he had been falling in love with me. For the first time in his life, he was falling head over heels in love ... and like any guy with commitment issues, it scared him. So he did the only thing he thought he could do to maintain control. He tried to cheat. But it didn't work, he never did it, because I caught him. He admitted to me that none of the things that happened in our relationship were my fault; he was to blame for how everything fell apart. He was to blame for it all. He also told me that I was one of the best people he'd ever met and he really blew it with me and knew it.
Few of us ever get that kind of closure. But my point is simply that while the answer came a little too late for me to waste about two years with a broken heart, it only reflects what time could only tell.
"Hold on ... Hold on to yourself ... you know that only time will tell." Sarah M
The secret it seems, is not to stop trusting. Trust is not the enemy; it's the solidifying foundation to any long-lasting, strong relationship. The true secret is to NOT stop being who you are. So hold on to yourself. Hold on to yourself through this journey and even when you get into the most mind-blowing amazing relationship, hold on to yourself. Change those things you must about yourself, but keep the person you are and I promise, you will trust again. You will find someone wonderful again. You just have to give it time.
Cheers and peace.

Difficult Steps (ie Letting Go)

Anyone who knows me knows that I am almost a contradiction of personalities at times. I am outgoing and love to laugh, but am shy when it comes to meeting new people or flirting with guys. While some people have the innate ability to shamelessly flirt with people, I sit back in the wings and wait for things or people to come to me.
It's a wonder that I ever had the success I did at meeting both S and J (you know who they are) because they pursued me and my laid-back style really worked for me. They got to have the chase they wanted, and I didn't have to come out of my shell to make a move on them.
Another thing that is difficult for me is to let go of things I've been holding onto-both physically and emotionally. Before I start to sound like a basket case who needs psychiatric help, let me explain because it's not what it sounds like.
I have pretty much lived out of a box since I was sixteen. Actually, when I was sixteen, I had nothing--I went into the care of social services without so much as even a change of clothes. The clothes they ended up getting us were too big and horrible looking. Shauna ended up losing her favorite stuffed dog, Whopper. I still think about that. She used to take it with her everywhere. But I guess he wasn't meant to accompany us on the next part of our journey.
When we finally managed to get our things, I held onto them because it was all I had. Every time we changed places, I had to pack up my stuff again and move. Everything else, everything too big to carry, and sometimes things that meant a lot to me, were left behind. At one point, Mom found out where we were staying (she was a good detective with things like that) and called us-threatening to burn all of our stuff.
So when I finally stayed at a place for a few months or more, I kept everything. Plus, with moving around so much, friendships were fleeting. I'd make a new friend, share a few memories, then move away again. Pictures we'd taken or things we'd done were lost ... and a part of me was lost with them and left behind.
I think that's part of the reason I've felt so strange having lived where I do now for so long. I think a part of me is afraid that if I let this stuff go, the memory will be lost forever. So I've kept momentos of my travels for the past 14 years. But I've reached the point in my life where ... it's time to let it all go. It's time to let go of the fears and insecurity I've had about keeping it and it's time to remember that the one thing that has always been with me this whole time is me. And I'm not going to lose that. Even if there are no pictures of family that ever adorn my walls or photographic proof of where I've been, I'll still remember and I'll still have me.
This all may sound like common sense, but most people seem to have only moved once or twice in their lives. They don't know what it's like to live out of a box every year or wonder when the next move is going to happen. But I do.
So I feel as though I've become a true adult because I've started to get rid of it all ... stuff I don't need, stuff in boxes, stuff I'll never use. I have decided that less is more. Less is more. My room right now is completely torn apart. If it doesn't have a direct purpose, it's going in the trash. I feel better already.
The second step I've made is that ... I finally let go of someone who I've loved for a long time.
You know, I always tell people not to burn bridges. You never know when you're going to need someone. So you should always treat them with respect and kindness. Always. And I have the tendency to appreciate good things and want to keep them in my life. The funny thing is, sometimes something appears to be good, but really, is actually hurting you.
So my ex boyfriend, who I was desperately in love with but broke my heart, keeps coming around. He buys things for me and ... I haven't had the heart or the will to tell him no. Worse, he has a girlfriend and a six month old baby at home.
He doesn't come around like he used to. There are no fake hugs or perfunctory niceties that you'd expect from a couple who broke up and stayed friends. He plopped himself in my office and proceeded to tell me that he knew where my new "assignment" at work was going to be. The thing is, I had been offered this assignment and hadn't made up my mind to accept it or not. It would come with a ton more responsibilities, dangers, and difficult hours. In thinking about this, I had to decide what it was going to do to me. If you know me, you know that this job already takes a difficult toll. What would happen to my soul if I were to accept the job? As cheesy as this sounds, I am at my best when I am loved and supported. It's difficult to negate stress when I come home to a lonely life. I don't know how to explain it... that's just the way it is. So if I were to accept the responsibility, that girl I know -- the old me who is still clinging on to the life of being sweet, slightly naive but kind--would be replaced by the girl who is hardened, realistic, and forever changed by the sights I've seen.
Anyways, so he tells me that he'll "put in a good word" and this and that... and the thing is--where was he when I was going through a difficult dating situation a year ago? Where was he when I had to move my stuff from his house when he cheated on me? Where was he when I struggled at my job and didn't know what to do? Where was his friendship then? And now he just acts like he can drop on by whenever he wishes and pretend that he's still my good friend. Well, I'm not a friend of convenience.
The old me, the one that still loves him, wanted to make sense of it all. Why would he be doing those things for me? For what purpose? The old me, the one who also wanted to maintain the friendship, felt --even in the smallest way--loved.
But the new me, the one who feels as though I deserve to be treated well is like, WHAT is this? What is he doing? Why try to be my friend once in a while? And why on earth does he think I still need his help or welcome his "good word" to someone else? A lot of people know what happened even though I've tried to make it not that big of a deal.
Well, what made up my mind is this: the other day, another one of my co-workers approached me and started telling me all the funny stories about him in his new life: about dealing and adjusting with the new baby he and his girlfriend have just had. And I realized something important: despite his pretense that we are still friends, I am missing out on the best part of a good friendship--the part where I get to be a part of his life too. I'm not a part of his life. I don't get to hear about the baby laughing for the first time or taking steps for the first time. I don't get to hear about how he feels about life or how he's dealing with being a new parent. All I get, is the "I'll put in a good word for you" sort of half-hearted friendship--a friendship based solely out of guilt. He feels guilty for what happened. He's told me so. He's told me "I'm trying to make things right." But the truth of it all is, he'll never make things right. I don't know, to be honest, if that's possible.
So ... gathering up my courage, I pushed away the person in my head telling me that I still wanted him around. A part of me still wants that interaction, even if it's unhealthy for me. How crazy is that?!? (don't answer). I wrote him an e-mail (I could have never done this in person) and told him that I didn't want his "help" anymore. I didn't want his friendship. I told him that given the circumstances, friendship wasn't possible. I wished him the best of luck with his new life. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and hit the SEND button.
He called me later that night--didn't leave a message. I'm lucky that I was at a friend's party or I would have been tempted to pick up the phone. I'm so glad I didn't have to hear it ring. I guess his lack of a message is clear enough: there's nothing more to be said. I'm right and he knows it. We could have wasted another two years being polite.
Anyways, it was a difficult step. It's difficult to let things and people go. But sometimes, you have to cut away the fat in your life in order to be healthier, happier, and stronger.
All I can say is that ... I feel proud because I know that I have made steps in a positive direction. I will miss my things and I will miss my "friendship" with J. But let's face it, a half-hearted friendship isn't a friendship at all, and things you aren't using are merely pieces of junk that clutter your life.
Sometimes, you have to let things go ... and give yourself permission to live again.

Instant Gratification

So I was talking to my sister about this, and we both agree that everyone seems to always want instant gratification in our society today.
They want, need a distraction so they turn to things that gratify them instantly: sex, drugs, pills, and alcohol. Or perhaps it's to a relationship that can give them what they want right now. We are so bombarded with all the things that come our way, that we are easily distracted and when we see something we want, we want it now. We have become a society that places emphasis on what you get as opposed to what you give.
I think the biggest danger in instant gratification is that it becomes an addiction to us. Even if we manage to give up that addiction, we slowly adapt something else to be addicted to. I think we move quickly from thing to thing because we are a society where we are easily bored and are always looking for a new "fix" a new high to keep from reminding us the truth of the world. It's not always that awesome, amazing place we thought it would or should be.
Our addictions are the ways we distract our hearts from feeling, distract our minds from thinking, and in essence, for just a moment we can pretend the world is as we want it to be, not as it actually is.
The difficulty here lies in our inability to form strong connections with other people. More often than not, people don't follow through with what they say they will do-a result of trying to take too much on and do too many things at once.
We heard a message at church over the weekend to "slow down" and I think it starts with our mentality. "Slowing down" isn't just about taking a day of rest, it's about trying to bite off more than we can chew, taking on too many tasks at once. "Learn to say no" was one of the main messages given to us. I think it especially necessary to learn to say no... to ourselves.
When we can't follow through with what we say, we let each other down, and unknowingly begin to lose the trust of our friends and loved ones. We slowly start to slip away and become more and more addicted to the next fix. Pretty soon, we are nothing more than a hollow, empty shell of a person. We need to learn to say no to ourselves, learn that we need to be patient, not always running after the "newer and better."
It reminds me of an ex boyfriend who told me about the "shiny penny" syndrome. If you have a group of pennies that are old, none of them stick out. But you put a new, shiny penny in the bunch, and suddenly, you can't help but stare at the shiny penny. Pretty soon, that penny isn't shiny anymore and you have to look for the next shiny penny.
To show you the example in terms of people, let's say a group of three people meet and are friends. They hang out with one another a lot and have a good time. But they know one another so well, they begin to flake on one another-because they are becoming familiar with them and bored. But once you introduce a new friend to the group, they are like the shiny penny that will draw the friends in again. In relationships, I have seen the same thing. After a few months, the girlfriend (or sometimes the boyfriend) becomes the old penny. Day after day, week after week, everything becomes the same, becomes routine. Not because they are not exciting people, but because you know them and who they are. Suddenly, you are bored and start to wonder if it's just you or if your relationship is doomed. You can't help but want to breathe life back into your relationship, but you've both become the used penny. So when the guy meets the new "shiny" penny, she might not be as cute or awesome or wonderful as you. She is just new and shiny and everyone is excited by the unknown.
This is why, I believe, so many relationships / marriages fail. Our need for instant gratification and the constant "new penny" syndrome makes us constantly want for more and never lets us be satisfied with what we have.
This is also why I believe guys are attracted to what are typically considered "crazy" girls. I think that they are attracted to them for several reasons that are easy to see. These could also apply in "crazy guy" but realistically, I think guys become more easily bored than girls.
#1) "Crazy" girl is difficult to figure out (because she's crazy) and difficult to figure out = a puzzle which = fun. Let's face it, if we know and understand someone, you'd think that would = great person we get along with. But what it typically means for most guys = boring and routine. Boring and routine = bad.
#2) "Crazy" girls typically stays like a new, shiny penny longer, because they are unpredictable (again, I sound like a broken record but-this is because they are crazy!) But again, unpredictable = fun. Us girls that have a decent job, our lives are mostly squared away, and we don't have significant issues = boring and routine. As I said above, boring and routine = bad.
#3) "Crazy" girls typically don't care about anyone but themselves. Why is it that crazy people are so focused on themselves? Hmm... again, they are crazy! But the thing that makes them interesting is that they are so focused on themselves that they don't focus on the guy which instantly makes them more attractive. Because they guy looks at it with his ego like, "how come they aren't paying attention to me? I'm hot stuff." And the girl blows him off. When she doesn't pay the attention to him he feels he deserves, it becomes like a game, a puzzle. A game or puzzle = chase which = fun. Guys are preditory animals and most men need to chase their prey and eventually win it over. Thus, while they say they don't like to play games, they inevitably do it anyway!
#4) "Crazy" girl ends up being with Mr. Nice Guy because Mr. Nice Guy gets stuck. There are things about crazy girl he likes. He doesn't want to be Mr. "Fix It" but at the same time, he does. He likes the attention and likes to feel wanted and needed. In attempting to fix her problems, it enables him to avoid his. Inevitably, however, he realizes there are several things about crazy girl he doesn't like: her instability, her intimacy issues, her insecurities. But at the same time, it becomes difficult to leave because at the same time, she is giving him the excitement that he craves.
So after all this, what is the solution? I think the secret is that we all have issues of our own device. We all have our own little bit of "crazy" but inevitably we will all become the dull penny eventually. The secret, it would seem, is to find someone who recognizes in us our potential. No one wants to settle for boring or routine. But I think that's what we really need. We are encouraged to go for the "shiny" penny and to abandon the old one. But what if we stopped wanting things now? What if our lives could stop centering around instant gratification?
It's funny how we emphasize the importance of "getting your life together" but I can say from personal experience that having my life semi-together is intimidating and boring. And as I've said a million times now, routine = boring. Normal = boring.
So then we turn back to instant gratification and being the shiny penny. I don't know if there's a way around it. I can only hope that someone looks at me and is able to see the shiny penny underneath despite whatever might build up along the way. And let's face it, let's hope I am able to recognize them too, because it's so easy to get lost in the sea of tarnished faces.

It's Okay

I think it's interesting that as a society, we seem to place a huge emphasis on the idea of being "strong." When something doesn't go our way, we tell each other, "Don't cry about it." "Suck it up." etc. When someone seems to handle things in a stoic, hardened way, we look up to them.
If, on the other hand, they cry or seem to have a difficult time dealing with it, many people will ignore them-because they don't know how to handle the situation. We seem to appreciate things handled in a strong, solid manner-but don't know what to do when we watch someone who can't handle things the same way.
But, I think there is something to be said for the person who can admit defeat, who can, for just a moment, throw themselves a pity party and expect their friends to walk beside them anyway. It's impossible to have a positive outlook on everything-and shame on everyone for thinking we have to! If something crappy happens in your life, whether or not it's your fault, you have the RIGHT to get ticked off about it.
So you're speeding down the freeway and you get pulled over. Sure, you were going about 15 miles over the speed limit and deserved the ticket. So do you have the right to get mad about it? Some would argue no. But I say, of course you do! You have the right to get angry when things don't go your way. You have the right to have a bad day. Just don't be surprised when no one around you knows how to handle it ... because we're taught to "suck it up" and "be strong."
A lot of times, when we end a relationship, we seem to value those people who can get over it easily, whereas those who struggle we pity. But people are allowed to feel however they want to for as long as they want to feel that way. But then again, even if they are allowed to feel that way, there seems to be a limit of how long the friends can listen to the "pity party" before they just throw their hands up and give up.
If something bad happens to you-you're allowed to get pissed off. Throw a pity party. You don't have to be strong in every situation. It's okay to admit defeat. Personally, I respect the person more when they admit that they are having a bad day or having a difficult time dealing with something. Those are the people who realize that they are allowed to feel however they want to, and by sharing how they are feeling, they allow me to understand them better and, if necessary, to help them if I can. Those are the people who are the strong ones. Those people who can act as though nothing bothers them only makes me wonder if they have feelings at all or makes me believe that they are not being honest or real. Those people who share that they are having a bad day risk being rejected and therefore, they are in fact much stronger than those who pretend all the time.
I personally would rather have someone in my life with real problems. I don't mind the pity party every once in a while. In fact, I'll even help you blow up the balloons.

The Truth (as I see It)

What a man believes upon grossly insufficient evidence is an index into his desires -- desires of which he himself is often unconscious. If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. The origin of myths is explained in this way.
--Bertrand Russell
It seems that no one likes to hear the truth. We live in a world where the truth is over-rated and oven down played. Commercials on television portray a world that isn't the truth, but often a world we want it to be-where people are happy and happy endings happen every day. We are encouraged to buy products to make ourselves believe a different sort of truth skewed to our perceptions of what life should be, not what it actually is.
If we actually saw life for what it really is, and faced the truth, many of us couldn't handle it. For that reason, we often expect others to tell us what we want to hear (as in the quote above) because it's easier to believe what we want to hear than the truth.
Now, there's a difference between truth and an opinion. An opinion could be right or wrong-but in the end, it is just an opinion. Even when it comes to sharing opinions, people don't want to hear anything negative.
A lot has changed in my life; I am no longer that little scared girl, constantly afraid of my mother as I once was. But even through my fear, my constant battles, I learned the importance of always telling the truth.
Mark Twain said, "When in doubt, tell the truth." For me, there was no other way to go-because even when I told the truth, Mom didn't believe me. When I lied, she didn't believe me. But more often than not, the truth seemed to make me feel the best. So I just started being honest.
When I went to school, I often told tall tales in my younger years because I wanted acceptance and to be liked. But a situation happened that convinced me that the only way I could avoid trouble was to tell the truth.
The problem is, it's the truth as I see it. This need to be honest, to tell the truth, has carried into my adult life and it has been both a burden and a blessing.
Being honest, even in giving my opinion, is a very delicate matter. The truth of it all is, I should be more cautious sometimes in what I say. In my earnestness to give the truth, I often over-step my bounds as a friend. Worse, sometimes my opinion is wrong. I value knowing people but even my opinion isn't always going to be the way things are or even the way things should be.
I have always sought to give my opinion because I don't think a good friendship or relationship is always built on what a person wants to hear. If we want to hear a bunch of crap, we'll turn on the television. When we turn to our friends, we should want the truth from the people who know us the best.
Henry Ward Beecher says, "It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults. So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship." While I only intend to bring the my opinion to someone out of love and respect for their friendship, I secrety chastize myself when I go too far.
Today is such a day. My secret heart, the one that feels the things I cannot say, cries out and I fear it's so loud, others will hear it. What I mean to say is, sometimes I have to give people my opinion and it hurts me to say it. Sometimes, there are things I wish I was strong enough to say, but cannot.
There are times when my own personal feelings in a particular situation get in the way of the truth or of my wanting to tell them the truth. I fear I might offend them or worse, tell them the truth so bluntly that I appear insensitive or cruel. These are my friends and while they should not be treated with kid-gloves, they are my friends, people whom I've come to know and love. When I see them hurting, I know that they don't want to hear the truth-they want to hear that everything is going to be all right.
When my friends have made a difficult decision, they want to be assured that it was the right one-even when it comes with a cost.
I think it's ultimately important to me that other people know the great struggle that occurs when I actually give them the truth as I see it. I don't say it to be hurtful or mean and I don't consider myself anyone. Who am I? I'm just a friend who cares. But I have feelings.
Sometimes, wanting to say the truth should negate those feelings. Telling my friend who's struggling in a relationship that everything is going to be all right when I don't believe it will be is like lying. I care because they're my friend and I want them to be happy. But I sometimes feel as though I have to hide those feelings instead of telling my friends the truth.
Benjamin Disraeli says, "Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth." I share with people how I feel so that their lives will be better. I share the truth of how I feel so that they will do the same with me. If I lie to you about how I feel, then what is the point of our friendship? Having someone who is always going to tell you what you want to hear is like having something no more real than a hologram.
Yet, I am not perfect. Sometimes I speak too harshly or I cannot say what I really want to say. Those are the moments when I wonder if I'm truly being a good friend. But in the end, I realize that I'm flawed and I can only try.
I try to give the truth to everyone and sometimes it comes back to bite me later. Perhaps they take it the wrong way or perhaps they don't want my opinion. But I can only aspire to be a better friend by being honest.
I guess the reaosn I bring all this up is because while some view honesty as a gift, I view it as a curse sometimes. When there's someone in my life who I'm interested in, for example, I think I expect myself to be honest. Being honest would mean admitting to them (and to myself?) that I like them. It would mean putting it all out there, risking getting rejected, just in my earnest attempt at honesty. The moment comes, and then it passes. Somehow my mouth doesn't utter any words of that truth. I think when that moment passes, it's as if the guy understands. It's as if a golden opportunity has come and gone.
So to give an example, there's someone I've liked for quite a while. No point in giving names, except I'll give him a letter R. We have technically known each other for a couple of years. When we're around each other, he'll ask my opinion about someone and I'll tell him. But when that moment comes to be bold and flirty, I back away. I want to tell him the truth, but I can't. So a couple of months ago, it seemed like the opportunity came around again, and I said nothing. And now, he doesn't really talk to me anymore. He'll call me when he wants my opinion, my truth on something, but it's as if the chasm between us widens with each step. Why is it that I can be so honest with everyone except those I really care about?
I want to tell them how wonderful they are, but accidentally, inevitably, tell them the complete opposite. I think that, having observed my honesty, my outgoing personality, that they assume that if I liked them, I'd make some type of overt move, some type of statement such as, "I like you." But in the end, my fear comes out and my honesty is restricted to everyone else.
Worse, I have even felt as though I've helped certain relationships grow stronger when I personally felt as though it wouldn't work in the end. I don't even know how to explain that. It's almost as if I am so shy, I'd rather help a guy find someone great even when my secret heart won't admit that I like him.
One time, I helped a guy friend of mine (who I guess I really liked) find a girl whom he ended up almost marrying. When he'd ask my opinion about things, I wanted to tell him the truth which was, "I like you and would treat you better than that." But the truth never slipped out. What came instead was, "I'll help you with that."
I think it all goes back to the fact that we'd rather not hear the truth. I think I want to hear the truth, but I am not so sure that I want to hear that familiar sound of rejection, of admitting that someone doesn't see the potential in me. Instead, I play the part of the ever vigilant friend. Being a friend is much easier than being rejected. I guess the truth is, I don't want to hear the truth. I don't want to hear that I'm not pretty enough, thin enough, or good enough in some other way. So I'd rather just be a friend, accepted, trusted so that I get to enjoy their company that way.
As far as my friends are concerned, I tell them the truth because I love them and because even when it's hard for me to hear the truth, I still need to know it. Because knowing the truth of how someone feels might make me a better person, might make me realize things about myself that I want to change, might make me grow.
And as for me, someday, I'm hoping that someone will see the truth in me. Perhaps in seeking the truth, we'll both find our paths lie together. They will give me the honest truth, and will see the truth in me-and my fears will be unimportant because the truth will shine through. They'll see love in my expressions, and even when I completely mess it up (which is probably pretty often) they'll still love me. Even when I can't tell them I care about them, because I'm too afraid of rejection, they'll see the truth of my heart underneath.
Perhaps what we all need is a little more honesty, a little more truth. But that requires respect for one another and unconditional love. But don't take my word for it. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant."Unarmed truth simply means truth without harm. I aspire to bring truth without harm. Becuase the truth, even when difficult to hear and rejected, is stronger than a lie. And the truth, as I see it, is that we all deserve to be loved. We deserve love from our relationships and our friends. Even if that means we don't always get to hear what we want to.

Flames To Dust

Honestly what will become of me don't like reality

It's way too clear to me

But really life is daily

We are what we don't see

Missed everything daydreaming

Flames to dust

Lovers to friends

Why do all good things come to an end

--Nelly Furtado

I don't know how to start this. I have so much to say that I don't know where to begin. It all started the night before last... lately, I have been really unable to sleep well. But the night before last, I fell into a deep sleep.
I had a dream about him, the guy I affectionately refer to as J. I had a dream that I couldn't recall when I woke up. But a persistent feeling overwhelmed me. I had given it thought months ago and then quickly dismissed it. I decided that a part of my heart, the part that won't allow me to become attached to someone new, was still struggling with the fact that J had hurt me and I never felt it was resolved. I woke up and decided that I had to write him a letter, one last letter-just to tell him how I felt. The feeling was so strong, that I knew it was something I'd follow through on. I briefly wondered what had possessed me. After all, J and I hadn't spoken in ... I couldn't remember how long.
As I was going about the dredgery of an ordinary work day, I saw a face appear in my doorway with a smile. It was him.
"Wanna go to lunch?" he asked me. I didn't even give it a second thought before replying. I gathered my things, ushered a client out of my office, and that's when my heart lept into my throat. He never asked me to lunch; something was going on. The only time he ever seemed to want to see me these days was when there was some incredible news to share. This is it, I thought to myself. They are going to get married.
Strangely, it wasn't the thought of them getting married that bothered me as much as his big production about telling me things like that. He'd never just come out and tell me; it was as if he always had to break the news to me gently-as if the world was coming to an end. But I realize now, that's just the way he is and always has been. But I was wrong about what he had to tell me ... I just didn't know it yet.
We walked to his car, and I could still feel that something between us. I had just begun to feel normal again, and he had to come around.
We had lunch together, talking about our lives and the people in them as if it were only a few days since we last spoke and not the truth of it which was like an ocean between us; so much had happened, so much that we couldn't change or take back.
His girlfriend is due soon. I know the name of the baby; I know so many things I shouldn't know. But that's the trouble when you work in a place that's like a family. The news comes and goes and spreads like a fire. At one time, he and I had been careful to hide our relationship in fear that, if found out, it could look bad for both our careers. Supervisors don't usually date peons. But I didn't really care about it as much as he did. For all the care we took, people still knew. So now that they have been surprised with the news that he has another girlfriend and she's pregant, there seems to be no end to their constant inquiries... it's as if his life and all the dirty laundry between us is on display. People can't understand what went wrong between us and I don't really have an answer to give them.
I was nervous during lunch-waiting for the ball to drop-waiting for the news he had come to bring to me to be brought up. And before I was even prepared, I blurted out, "Have you come to tell me you're getting married?"
"No." He looked at me strangely.
"The thing is ..." he paused, and then in a hushed tone said, "Well, the thing is, I really miss you."
I felt as though my heart stopped beating.
"And I'd really like you to be able to come over when you want to. I really want us to be friends. And I think that she is finally coming around to the idea."
Friends? Who was he kidding. We weren't friends. We were no more friends than we were acquainted with each other. It was as if two strangers were sitting together having lunch ... and yet, there it was, still that connection that lingered between us.
Even though so much time had passed, he could still feel my thoughts and read my expressions. My face and expressions were an open book and our minds, still more alike than I realized or cared to admit.
The truth was, whether I cared to admit it or not, there was something still hanging between us--a silent question that lingered in the dark distance that had grown yet somehow shackled us together all at the same time: could we still be friends?
I told him that I had decided that I didn't know if we could be friends-because I respected her and knew that she deserved to feel safe and secure in their relationship. But when he told me he missed me, I wanted to crawl back into his arms and tell him everything was going to be all right.
But I was torn. Here we were, months later, closing doors that were still left open. I know now that we purposely left them open because somewhere, deep in our hearts, we still love each other. Of course our love could no longer be realized. She was pregnant and I have moved on. A lot has changed and yet little. This was the time when we would have to make a decision on whether or not we closed the door forever and became friends, or left it open, and struggled on for years with unsettled feelings.
I think we both knew the answer; I told him that his friendship was important to me, even though I had already told him that I would give it up in a heartbeat if it made her uspet.
Closing that door means that we can never go back. He told me that too, over lunch. "I can't go back and think about what if's or different decisions I could have made," he said. "I simply have to deal with what I have in front of me and work it out."
It was one of the most intelligent and level-headed things I had ever heard him say. Yet I knew that I couldn't close that door to our relationship without telling him how it all had affected me.
I told him, very briefly, that he had really hurt my self esteem and I told him how I felt as though he abandoned me when I needed him the most. I let out all of the hurt I had harboured these past two years with as little emotion and as much ease as I could.
Normally, my telling him these things would have resulted in anger, defensiveness, and an abrupt end to our lunch. But for the first time, he met my words with integrity, honesty, and apology. He apologized and told me, "It was not your fault. It was never about you. I want you to know that. It was me. It was my fault; it was my bad." He didn't get angry or defensive and I could see a change in him. But telling him how I felt, and by him saying what he did, it was as if an unspoken fog had lifted and our hearts could finally be free. He had felt guilt that needed to be resolved and my heart needed closure and acceptance. It couldn't have worked out more perfectly.
To put it mildly, it was like a miracle. I wish I could describe it better and truly do it justice. It was as if God was closing up all the loose ends of my life so that I could move on to something else.
We ended our lunch in peace and friendship, having closed the door on our relationship forever. While it almost seems easier for me to have a reason to hate him, I feel as though everything is going to be okay; he is forgiven for everything. We can now move on and get back to being friends again. But one thing will never change--I will always love him and love what we had for that short time.
I think that love just is what it is. It doesn't always have a reason or a meaning or a deeper truth. You can't always help who you love. God puts people in your life for a moment or a lifetime and you just have to enjoy them while they are with you and around you. I know now that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Because now I have the idea of someone, the idea of love, the idea of taking this life and making my next relationship into something great. For a moment, I got to love and be a part of something great.
The best thing is, I have learned to trust again. I have learned to give again, without expecting something in return. I have learned that there is a reason for things, you just have to discover what that is.
There were so many things about J that I loved. The things I loved the most were things that I can still enjoy in our friendship. The only thing I still am searching for is that connection ... and I won't settle for any less in someone else.
So I don't know how to end this blog ... few of us get the kind of closure that we need to feel better. It took two years for me to get it and perhaps, at last, I can sleep.

The Longest Hour

This might be the most difficult blog I have ever had to write. It all started last week when he called me to ask me what the status was on getting my stuff. I wrote about it on a previous blog. Then, at the end, he suggested we have coffee-a sort of "I'm sorry that we argued" sort of occasion. As the week went on, my heart became more and more sure that he would call and cancel on me, find an excuse or some unavoidable event that made it impossible for us to get together.

I called him to remind him, and he said that we were still going to meet, and suddenly, I realized that something was different. He's always flaked on me in the past, or found a reason to postpone our get-togethers. But an actual meeting meant that he had something to tell me-the inevitability of what would come next was unsettling.

So we left work early and met at Starbucks. I couldn't help but be completely nervous; just seeing him in person always makes my heart do flip flops-an unexpected result of my love for him. He approached me and we hugged, but there was something different about it, something cold. We got our coffees and he asked me how I was doing. I always know when something bad is approaching with him because he'll ask me how I'm doing first, before going into the bad news. We discussed my dog Brinkley and I announced that finally I would be able to take him to my home. I could tell by the look in his eye that he would miss Brinkley; he'd been in his life for over three years now.
"It's not too late for us to have joint custody of him." I joked. Funny thing was, that's not really what I meant, and he knew it; that's how connected we are.
"Well," he paused for a long, silent moment. Then, with a hint of sadness or was that regret? "I can't."
In the next breath, he was telling me that his girlfriend of 10 months was expecting. Pregnant. She was pregnant?

My heart proceeded to drop as he told me that she was already past her first trimester. They knew that they were having a little girl. He told me the news with a sort of saddened pride. I was saddened and imagined my face looking as much without affect as I could possibly stand it.

It was almost like that song, the one I'd played over and over again, by Sarah McLaughlin,

"What ravages of spiritconjured this temptuous rage,created you a monster,broken by the rule of love?And fate has led you through it.You do what you have to do.And fate has led you through it.You do what you have to do…"

This guy, the one that told me that he was never going to have a baby, who promised me that I would find someone before I did, had gotten his girlfriend pregnant. I tried to appear unaffected by the news, and part of me wasn't surprised and the other, was stunned into silence.
The minutes ticked by like hours as he talked about the fact that he claimed he hadn't told me or anyone really, as he was afraid something was going to go wrong. The man who told me over and over again how much he did not really care for children, was going to be a father. Some little girl was going to call him "daddy."

I knew from the day I met him that he would make a good father. We met at a sushi restaurant, he with his arm around a pretty girl, and me with Steve. There was just something about him-the way he talked, the way he moved; I felt different whenever I was around him. But what really made him amazing the day I met him, was the way he treated me. He could tell I'd never had sushi a day in my life and he was considerate and observant. He offered to order for me; offered to teach me how to use chopsticks, etc. Meanwhile, Steve was just sitting there staring at my inability to do it correctly. But even more so was his way of doting on the girl he had brought to dinner. She was gorgeous-blonde hair, blue eyes-little did I know that was to be a commonality in California. He treated her with the most amazing amount of respect. As a stranger, I was sure that they were in love.

My mind forwarded to the present. Here it was, years later, and fate had dealt its hand. He got the very thing he told me he didn't want.

"And I have the sense to recognizethat I don't know how to let you go."

I suddenly got sick to my stomach and my mind started reeling. Everything that was or could be between us, was now erased by the beginning of a new life with someone else. I flashed back to the times we had that were so wonderful.
There was just something about him, right from the beginning. We had this sort of connection, this way of looking at things that went immediately beyond the boundaries of our friendship. It was as if we simply understood one another. He knew just what to say when I needed to hear it. Even when I was with Steve, once in a while we'd travel somewhere all together, and I was never bored. . He had a way of completing my thoughts before I had completed them myself. And yet, at the time, he was with a girl-another blonde-haired, blue eye beauty. But as time went on, I could see by the look in his eyes that he was unhappy. He pretended to be happy on the outside, but those big, brown, expressive eyes told a different story. There was just something about him, something that begged for a closer look. I couldn't help but have a crush on him from the day I met him.

When things with Steve did not go well, I really wanted to talk to him about it. But I also wanted to get to know him better. I called him one night, after school, not expecting him to pick up the phone as I never called him. He answered, and we easily fell into conversation.
"Are you hungry? Would you like some dinner?" were one of the first words out of his mouth. His compassion and caring knocked me off my feet.
And so, our friendship was formed and pretty soon, I found myself calling him every night, spending more and more time with him on the phone. Or I would go to his house and he would make me tea or hot chocolate. And we'd talk about everything. Hours would pass by like minutes.

"Every moment markedwith apparitions of your soul.I'm ever swiftly moving,trying to escape this desire,the yearning to be near you.I do what I have to do.The yearning to be near you.I do what I have to do."

I did everything I could to be near him. Slowly, we became best friends; he'd call me on his way home from work or we'd play games together online. At one point, things with Steve had spiraled out of control, and it was time to move out; he suggested I rent a room from him. Knowing my own desire for him had surpassed what it should, I openly showed little regard for the idea. I knew that if we lived together, my interest in him would only grow and I was afraid of that happening. But he blew down my defenses, and pretty soon, we were living together.

"And I have the sense to recognizethat I don't know how to let you go.I don't know how to let you go."

There was so much about him that was so similar to me that it was scary: we both loved computer games, we both had similar interest and knowledge in computers and how they worked, he was obsessed with Japanese art and architecture just as I was. He loved the same foods, drank similar drinks. What's more, he took care of me. I came home one day or woke up for work (can't recall which) and he had washed, dried, ironed, and hung up all of my clothing for me. He made the best steak on the planet. "Tasty steak" we always called it, was his specialty…

"A glowing ember, burning hot,and burning slow.Deep within, I'm shaken by the violenceof existing for only you."

We got along so well, it scared me. But there were problems. My last boyfriend had been afraid to be in public, and as a result, I had no friends of my own. My friends had been his friends. And when he and I had broken up, I had only one or two friends of my own-but they were married and had little time for me. My world revolved around him. I wanted to get out and go do things with him. But he kept encouraging to find other friends. I felt it was a way of him pushing me away, but in reality, he was merely giving me an opportunity to find myself.

But things aren't always as perfect as they seem. He had his issues, a "newsstand full" he would say. But he was perfect to me. I can honestly say that he made me feel content in a way that I've never felt before or since.

I forward again to the present, and he is sitting in front of me, trying to judge my reaction to his "news."
"I'm really surprised, hon."
"Yeah?" I didn't want him to say anything. I wanted for the news to catch up to me, so I'd have something intelligent to say. But I knew that my heart was taking it all in and drowning slowly.
"I know you've got to be really upset by this, but you're taking this all very well."
"Yeah well…" I choked back the emotion that was threatening to overtake me. "There's nothing I can do now." I said. "I have to support you and be happy for you now."

"I know I can't be with you.I do what I have to do.I know I can't be with you.I do what I have to do."

I did what I had to do-I congratulated him and tried to get to know a little more about his plans for his future life. We talked for a few more minutes, and to be honest, I cannot quite recall what was said. The totality, the weight, of what he had told me was sinking into my brain and my heart and I felt as though any moment I might break down and reveal the truth in my heart. But it had just about been an hour-the longest hour of my life-the hour that turned possibilities and hope into nothing more than the reality that my future was no longer tied to his. In that moment, I realized that a part of me had foolishly held on to the hope that one day we'd work it out-we'd start over, and be the people we used to be. We'd abandon our foolish pride and we'd make it work.

But that is merely the stuff of fairy tales. But still in my heart, there had always been room for him.

"And I have the sense to recognize But I don't know how to let you go.I don't know how to let you go."

My journey must continue onward without him. Gone are the long conversations with my best friend, the games played until the wee hours of the morning, the long walks with our dog. I hve been, in essence, replaced. So many emotions have floated around in my head; part of me felt as though I have failed somehow; I wasn't good enough and that's why he didn't pick me. The other part of me feels as though I had given my best and was wonderful, but never really loved.

I look back and am so grateful for our time together, but I'm also bitter and sad. There was so much in him that I loved. He brought out the best in me. But he also brought out some of the worst. I knew, as I know now, that it was time to move on-time to accept the inevitability of change. The undeniable fact that once again I wasn't what he wanted.

It wasn't supposed to be like this; this wasn't supposed to end up this way. What about me wasn't good enough? How could you turn away from a love as amazing as ours? I can see the look in his eye; he feels the same way. But he's tied to a different future because he made a mistake. But it's too late to go back.

You'd think I'd be able to shrug this all off; but I'm a person. And he was just so amazing to me. He gave me the fairy tale and reality and fit so well in my life that I cannot even begin to describe it. Even now, as I realize that I sound like a love-crazed fool, I remember the good times and realize why we fell in love in the first place.

But I loved him. Love, like so many things in this world, is often a victim, often succumbs to a death formed by our own decisions. Love dies, sometimes fading away like embers and sometimes burning itself out like a flame. And in that hour, that longest hour, I lost the love of my life forever.

My trust issues

I was going to write about something completely different, but let me address something that I have found is really an essential item in any of our lives: trust.
All of my life, I have found it difficult to trust people. That probably stems back from my childhood; when my mom said something, she wouldn't follow through with it. I could never trust her when she treated me well as I was always waiting for her to turn into her other side-the monster that often came out at seemingly random times.
Fast forward to my adult life: trust has become the one thing that I've held onto. Trust is the basic foundation for a good friendship, a good relationship, and a good sense of self. Trust is essential in business negotiations, in partnerships, in When you trust other people, you are more likely to open up to them, more likely to be your real self, more likely to be honest.
Trust is essential in our interpersonal relationships because I feel that if you can't be real with someone, then why have a relationship with them at all? The best friendships, business dealings, etc. are when you can be real and honest with people because they are deeper and therefore more meaningful.
Ultimately, I bring this up because trust is often difficult to build up-trust takes time and consistency.
For example, if you are attempting to build that feeling of trust with someone, there are several factors that you might try to maintain with that person-for example-consistency in your dealings, keeping your word, being honest, etc. Trust, as my friend always says, should be earned, not given.
So when I try to trust someone, I try to see if they're consistent, honest, faithful, true to themselves and others, etc. Then, and only then, I will trust them. Oddly enough, there are only a few people that I really trust. It's always disappointing to find someone that I thought I could trust who betrays me because once trust is broken, it's very difficult to earn back.
I really wanted to take a moment to analyze this: if we do not trust others, then we are closed to them. We do not open ourselves up for the possibility of deeper relationships (or even love) because we won't allow ourselves to reach that level where there might be the possibility of being hurt.
But then I look at the importance of trust. Because it's so difficult to earn, and almost impossible to earn back once lost, I realize that I place a great emphasis in my life on being trustworthy. That is probably why the job I have fits so well with my moral character. I wouldn't say that I'm the best at what I do, but I'm decent because at the very basic level, I'm honest with people.
It reminds me that when I feel people are honest with me, I'm more inclined to listen to what they say. When I'm being sold a product, for example, if I believe they are honest, I begin to build a sort of trust in what they are saying-and pretty soon, I might be more inclined to purchase the product than I would if I thought they were lying.
Even BAD guys understand the importance of trust. Let me tell you something bad that happened to me when I was younger: I was stalked. No matter what I did, no matter what I said, this person continued to like me and continued to do creepy things including following me home, calling my house constantly, putting things in my locker at school, etc. Eventually, I had to get a sort of restraining order and I took a self-defense course. What I learned was really true (if you're interested more in this, you need to read everything you can by the auther Gavin Debecker--brilliant!) ... basically, the bad guys understand us better than we understand ourselves.
They understand that in order to get us to do things we normally wouldn't, we have to trust them. For example, DeBecker uses a real life example in his book "The Gift of Fear." He uses one woman's real life rape story to illustrate how an innate feeling of fear is often our own body's way of giving us a clue that something is wrong. But it also illustrates another point: it shows how a rapist uses his ability to quickly gain a woman's trust in order to rape her. The woman comes home with a bag of groceries, and the man quickly notices her groceries (and notices a can of cat food) and offers to help her with them. He says something along the lines of, "We've got a hungry cat to feed." to make the woman feel comfortable enough to trust the man enough to allow him to help her. Inevitably, he helps her and then rapes her. But my point isn't to point out how disturbing people can be or that you CAN'T trust people (even though I know this is about trust), but my point is simply that even the WORST people understand the importance of trust.
So trust is important to people; it's important to me. The biggest measure of a person in my heart is how much I can trust them. If I tell them things and then suddenly word leaks out, then clearly I cannot trust that person. There are things in my life that are so personal that I've done-mistakes I've made, that I would want to share with someone personally if I choose to. The things I share with people shouldn't be a punch line behind my back or something to talk about.
It's amazing to me that even as adults, many of us still struggle with this. I still struggle with it too. Sometimes, someone tells me something and I just can't believe it. I want to run to that person (not just walk-but RUN) and ask them, "hey, I just heard this... is it true?" but I have to supress my need to "know" and try to evaluate my amount of respect for the person who told me-and my amount of respect for myself. Inevitably, I make mistakes. I open my mouth when I shouldn't. But sometimes, when I am betrayed, I wish that person would have spent a little more time thinking about how it might affect me so that they might just have changed their mind about saying something.
I need to work on my trust issues. I know that having been stalked, having a mom whose behavior changed like the wind, and never really quite uderstanding where I stood, being cheated on, the job I have etc. all made me trust people just a little bit less.
But when I trust less, I also love less. But I am working on being a better person every day. I need to be able to trust, but I also need to believe that OTHER people besides me believe in the importance of being honest and trustworthy in today's times.
One last example before I end this long blog. When my last boyfriend *almost* cheated on me and then lied to me about it, my trust in him was shattered-and I realized something. It wasn't the fact that he had *almost* cheated that really hurt me. It was the fact that he had covered it up and then lied to me about it, even when I had the proof in my hands. THAT was what hurt the most. I had placed my trust in him, and he had so little respect for me that he felt it was okay to lie to me in order to protect himself, even knowing as he did that trust was so important to me. Now, it has inevitably affected the way I am in my relationships-some ways for the better, but some ways, for the worse. I trust less. I ask more questions. I pretend that I don't care, but secretly, I do. Sometimes I am afraid to trust people-because I wonder when the time will come that they will hurt me. But lately, I've realized that you can't hold on to hurts so much or they will completely devour you. Instead, trust in YOURSELF and believe in YOURSELF. Trust the decision you made in the first place-to love someone, to be in a relationship, whatever, and don't question yourself. That's how I think I got stalked originally. I questioned myself. I didn't trust what I was feeling. That's why that woman was raped-she didn't trust that feeling in the pit of her stomach that told her something was wrong.
Ultimately, the greatest trust is the trust you have in yourself. Believe in yourself, the way I, your friend, believe in you. Try to think of how it will make others feel before you talk about them behind their back. Place an emphasis on trust.
What do you think? Is trust important to you? Where do you stand? Has it affected your relationships? Can you offer me some advice?

I Don't Want ... (To Have To Say Goodbye)

I did one of the most difficult things yesterday: I had to say goodbye to someone who was close to my heart. It was a difficult decision, but the truth of it all is, I didn't want to have to say goodbye. But God has his hand in everything, and my heart is finally beginning to heal.
When we decide to be friends with someone, I think sometimes we put up with more than we would or should with just a normal person. Somehow, they find there way into your heart and you just find yourself not wanting to let go. I kept telling myself, even when it was bad between us, that things would only get better. I thought that once this person saw what a good heart I had, perhaps they would realize how important it was to be nice to me. I don't ask for much, really. Just be a good person; be nice to me.
But in the end, I realized something. If I was valuable to this person, I wouldn't have to wonder why they never followed through with their word. I realized that when there's a friend in my life whom I value, I always do what I say. At first, I thought that perhaps I was the exception, and not the rule. Perhaps it truly is a "California Thing" to flake on people and tread on their hearts with the bottom of your shoes. Perhaps I am different having come from another state. I thought that, until that is, I flaked on a couple of people who I really care about. Suddenly, my heart did flip flops! I actually felt badly! Then I decided it's important to do what you say; it's important to be nice to people and follow through. Integrity. Morality. Character.
I wish that things could have been different between us. I would apologize for so many things I have done or said that I know were hurtful. I would take it all back at the chance to have a good friendship with this person. But it takes two. It takes two people to work on the friendship in order to make it work.
A friend of mine asked me exactly what it was that this person was giving me, and I couldn't think of anything. I went out of my way to drive to see this person, I went out of my way to help this person, and I went out of my way to spend time with this person. But when I told them about the situation with my mom, they said, "I don't know what to tell you." And when I asked for help, that person said, "When I have time." And then, worst of all, when I asked that person to follow through with what they said, they said, "I only told you that I would MAYBE spend time with you."
Obviously, if I am only good enough to get the MAYBE, then I am clearly not making a difference in this person's life. I told them that I needed a break, and there was no "wait, don't go." No, "Hey, you mean a lot to me," or "hey, I'll make it up to you." My message was met with silence.
Silence seems to fill up the distance between us. Nothing but silence.
So here I am, looking back at all that has happened. I look back at all that I have given. I gave openly because my heart was open. I gave willingly because my heart was willing. I gave, because I hoped that this person would one day give back. But, in the end, it's true that we only see what we want to see. They are too busy chasing elusive doves to bother with one girl who merely tried to be a good friend.
I feel bad. I wish there was something I could do. But I can't possibly give any more. It takes two. Everyone keeps telling me that. But it's so difficult for me to have to say goodbye-I don't want to have to give up on a friendship-especially one where I gave so much.
But a friend has made a good point. He said, "I'll bet this person doesn't even know your favorite color or what makes you happiest... I'll bet he interrupts you when you try to let him in to your heart and show him who you really are."
He's so right and perhaps I have been wrong to try. But I keep praying that one day this person will want to be my friend and will actually make some effort to be in my life instead of the other way around.
My friend also said, "Everyone loves a giver. They love to take and take and take. Maybe it's time you stop giving so much and see who it is that actually WANTS to be a part of your life."