To Thine Own Self Be True

I've noticed a trend lately in the things I've been writing. When I first started this blog, I just wanted to put random thoughts down on paper ... the funny thing is, I keep a journal, write a blog, and work on my novel all at the same time. Somehow, the original idea of what this blog was meant to be has gotten lost over the last two years and has, instead, focused a lot more on relationships / love. This has a lot to do with the fact that of all the things I write, the ones that get the most feedback always happens to be ones I write about relationships, love, trust, whatever. People write to me from all over the US (don't ask me how they found my blog-but whatever) and strike up a conversation with me.
Usually, I end up hearing their tale-whatever it may be-and it sparks within me inspiration for my next blog topic.
Recently, a friend asked me to write about unrequited love, and the topic is an especially difficult one for me to talk about-for many reasons. My point in telling you the fact that the meaning of my "blog" has somehow gotten lost over the past two years is not because I regret that-going off the "path" is sometimes an integral part of anyone's journey. However, what is especially interesting is that, my heart started out in the right place when I set out to write these blogs. I wanted a place I could just "let it all out" and there was (at least in the beginning) a sense of anonymity, where I could write with reckless abandon and my heart wasn't really too invested in the idea of adding "friends" to my pages-so I didn't have to worry about hurting anyone.
What's ironic about the topic my friend asked me to write about is that unrequited love is a circumstance that, I feel, starts out much the same way as I started out with this blog.
Unrequited love, quite simply put is love that is not returned to the other individual. But I dislike using the word "requited" because it is, essentially, another way to say "returned." So, for the purposes of this blog, unreturned love has to start somewhere.
It usually starts in the heart of one person who is interested in another person for whatever reason. Now, before I continue, I would like to differentiate between scary unreturned love and normal unreturned love (is there such a thing?) … Anyways, I am purposely excluding those individuals who take unreturned love to levels that includes (but is not limited to) stalking, violence, and extreme vindictive behavior.
So it starts with interest. But what defines interest? Some would argue that "interest" is little more than chemicals in the brain that cause us to be attracted to another individual. It is those little chemical signals given off by the brain that cause us to seek out certain people and not others. Personally, I think it is a combination of many things.
The truth is, I can't explain why some people are attracted to other people for no inexplicable reason. I can't explain what causes someone who promised they loved you one minute, only to ignore you the next. I can't explain why someone would talk about marriage in one breath only to complete stop talking to you the next.
There are some things in life that just don't make sense, no matter how much we want them to. We want to find a way of explaining things to soothe our hearts when we feel lost and alone. It's so hard to find someone we connect with (because it's so rare these days) only to discover that they have no interest in you or don't return the level of interest you have in them.
The only explanation that I can offer in circumstances like these is one. Perhaps this explanation will not soothe your heart (you know who you are) and perhaps it can't fix what's already been broken. But the truth always wants to be found, and perhaps this idea is something to consider …
I think what happens is that when we begin to like someone, for whatever reason, we begin to idealize them-place them up on a pedestal where they are impervious to being human. What I mean is, we have somehow made them god-like in our minds without realizing it. Until we can take off those rose-colored glasses, we can't truly see the person in front of us. We want to believe the best in them-so we give them the benefit of the doubt even to our detriment.
I have myself done this a thousand times. When I'm interested in someone, I forget about all the bad habits I see them displaying because I'm so busy picturing how wonderful they are in my head. Don't think I'm crazy; I'm sure that other people do this too. You know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. In the beginning, we want to believe that they like us back-so our heart fills in all of the little questions we ask ourselves about their character, their judgements, and their personality.
So when they ditch us after promising us the world, we can't figure out why and we're left hanging only to ask ourselves, "what happened?"
Worse, there's a feeling of loss that often accompanies these feelings because we feel as though we are losing something special, something that meant something to us. What becomes readily apparent is that these feelings that we had are clearly not shared by the other person because otherwise, they wouldn't treat us that way. At least, that's what we tell ourselves anyway.
I think the main reason I fell in love with J (and really felt he fell in love with me) is because when we first met, there was no need to think about each other in an idealistic way. We accepted each other because we were both taken at the time. Yet years later, when I sought his advice, I noticed something that I think is key …
When two people fall in love, they go through the same "rose colored glasses" stage. They idealize each other and then, when the feeling wears off, realize that they still love one another. But what happens when they idealize one another, it wears off, and they realize that it's not a good fit? Someone is bound to get hurt …
It just sucks when that person getting hurt turns out to be you. It sucks to have invested your heart and your time and your whatever into a person that will never return how you feel.
This has also happened to me a time or two; I think it happens to all of us. Everyone gets their heart trampled on, stepped on, and sometimes broken. No one is exempt to getting hurt unless they never open their heart up in the first place.
But if you don't open your heart, you'll never be willing to let someone wonderful, faithful, reliable, honest, etc. inside. But at the same time, if you just openly give your heart to each person who promises you the world, you'll run the risk of getting cut open like a fish fillet.
So what is the ultimate answer? I don't know … I do know that you deserve to be loved. You deserve to have someone who appreciates you and knows what they have is great. I've said this a million times, I know, but you should never have to convince someone of how great you are.
Either you're great, or you're not. The right person is going to think you're great and isn't going to let you go no matter what.
One thing I've often seen is how many excuses we give other people when we don't want to date them. "I'm really busy" or "I'm not ready for a relationship" or "I don't know what I want." Etc. etc. While those things may be true, there is one thing I know to be true.
If I wanted my favorite ice cream, and I knew I wanted it, and I knew it wasn't in the freezer, I would go and get it. I probably wouldn't let the cost hold me back, or how much time it took me to get to the store to get it. I certainly wouldn't be (too) annoyed to stand in line and wait as the cashier rang me up. Why? Because it's something that I really wanted. Put whatever it is you've really wanted into the sentence. Computer. T.V. Whatever. My point simply is that if you want something badly enough, nothing is going to stand in your way.
It's like the girl (or guy) that you perceive to be too "shy" or too whatever to ask you out on a date. I've heard one friend in particular (and yes, even myself a time or two) say over and over again how she has to ask guys out because they are too shy to approach her. But the truth of it all is this … (and the truth sometimes hurts) … if he liked you as much as you liked him, he wouldn't let anything stand in his way of asking you out.
Because real life is about finding someone wonderful to spend your time with. Real life isn't what we see on television. Real life means that you could die tomorrow. And if you died tomorrow, would you be happy with what or who you have right now? Because if not, then you'd go out and get whatever it was or whomever it was that you thought even had a possible chance of making you happy.
So that's how I feel about this. It's a tough subject because I'm personally terrible at decoding interest. It's always so much easier to give advice than to take my own …
But anyways, I just want you to know that there is someone out there who is going to love and appreciate you. You won't have to decode them or figure out what their secret word is or why they've abandoned you or why they aren't speaking to you or whatever. If you are dealing with that, my only advice is to try and let them go so you can make room in your life for someone better.
I know it's difficult to let someone you love, someone whom you've shared your dreams with, go. I know because I've been there; it took me 2 years to get over J. But in the end, perhaps instead of focusing on what you don't have with them, maybe it's time to focus on what you do have within yourself. Perhaps instead of looking at the love you are missing out on, you should spend time to know and love yourself.
A good healthy relationship starts from the inside out. When you love yourself, you can love another person. I think that Shakespeare said it best when he said, "To thine own self be true …"

Dating Tips For Guys (What Not To Do)

Good evening!
So I should be updating you on my workout plan / diet action ... but here's the deal: I have been struggling with a small cold for the past week or so. Just when I thought I've kicked it to the curb, it comes back with a nasty bite. So pray that my awesome immune system is able to conquer it once and for all. I have always been able to get over things pretty well or avoid getting sick. Hopefully, this cold will not conquer me...
Anyways, everyone knows that I have been dating people recently ... well in the last few months. I could probably write the book on bad dates. But I thought I would take a few moments to talk about things that have happened to me (mostly bad) as an example of things guys shouldn't do on a date ... with any girl. Girls, see if you can relate. If I missed one, feel free to add a comment with YOUR rule! I can't wait to read 'em. Guys, please don't get offended. I'm not saying you're a jerk or that you're going to do any of the following things. I'm just telling you things from my personal experiences that I plan to avoid in the future. I'm hopeful and positive that a great person exists out there and I plan to find him. I can't promise that it will ever work out, but I promise that I'm a good girl and I'll treat the guy right ...
With that in mind, here we go ...
THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN YOU DATE A GIRL:1) Don't let her pay for dinner on your first, second, or even third dates. Period. Even if the bill is very little and she insists. YOU insist on being the gentleman. She'll give in ... yeah, it seems sad in this day in age that you have to pay for things. But it's the first few dates. Be a gentleman. She'll appreciate you for it in the end.
2) Don't tell her you'll take her out on a date, but then say something like, "Well, we'll go out ... unless my dog gets sick" or "... unless I'm out of town that weekend."
3) Don't talk about things like all the "friends with benefits" relationships you've had in the past or want to have in the future. I promise you, she doesn't want to hear about it. Player.
4) Don't call her then suddenly remember something else you have to do like cutting your toenails and so you tell her you have to call her back. Really. If it's so important for you to talk to her, the toenail cutting or personal grooming items can wait. The way I see it is, I want to know where I'd fit on the list of their priorities. Knowing I'm second to the toenail clipping is NOT good for me.
5) The subject of kissing is delicate. Don't expect she is going to kiss you on the first date. She just met you. Maybe she'll kiss you if you've been friends for like 4 years or she has no values and is the type that gives in to whatever you want. Let me just say that a girl with values likes to take it slow, likes to enjoy each and every moment. Why rush into the kiss? The kiss is a magical moment and is meaningful. A bad kiss can often decide the fate of your chemistry. Kissing is like listening to a good song. You can't just jump into the chorus ... you have to build up slowly, and then comes the cresendo ... If you have built up your new-found "relationship" / "date" and you want to kiss her on the first date, please ask her, "can I kiss you?" or something cute. She'll tell you where she stands.
6) Open the door for her. Let her walk first through the restaurant. That's a nice thing to do. You are letting her know you respect her presence.
7) Don't ask a girl a question unless you plan on answering it yourself. Period. Sometimes a guy likes to play 20 questions with the girl, but then considers himself too "high and mighty" to answer the same questions. There are only so many basic questions, sparky.
8) Don't assume anything. Don't assume she likes sushi, for example, because she just might hate it. Don't assume that little Mexican place you've got all picked out for your romantic getaway evening is going to be just what she wants. Ask her the things she likes and listen to what she tells you.
9) She is not a sex toy. Sex is important. Don't ask her about her "interests" in an "adventurous sexual romp" with three people or about how many positions, etc. she likes to do or even her favorite methods / sexual behavior. Even those of us who like sex (sorry to be so personal) know that people who are good at it don't have to always talk about it. After all, is the reason you're talking about it because you're a bit insecure? Hmm...
10) Don't get drunk / high / above the legal limit on your first few dates. Let's be honest, our personalities change when we drink. If you have too much to drink, what do you think the other person is going to think of you? Not to mention the idea that you are meeting someone for the first time and are trying to make a good impression. Don't let the first impression they have of you be the impression of you being obnoxious at the bar or overly flirtatious or (much worse) the guy throwing up in the bathroom, and having lots of waiters tell your date how sick you are.
So these are just a few. I know you have some .... C'mon guys ...
And I thought I would leave you with another one a date did a few years back that has to top my list of things not to do ...
11) Don't ask a girl out on a date only to tell her when you get there that your parents (PARENTS) have already cooked you dinner.
That's all for now... your thoughts are precious. Write them down or lose them forever.