Friendship On Fire

So what does it feel like when you're in love? How can you possibly put to words a feeling that comes from your heart?

This is for my friend--he knows who he is--who struggles, like many of us do, to find our place, where we belong, and to determine whether or not real love is even possible. Do we settle for what's comfortable, safe? Or do we take a risk, put ourselves out there, risk getting hurt, for the chance at love?

What does being in love even feel like? Is it worth it?

My best way to describe truly being in love is ... better to talk about how it happened... and how it made me feel.

I didn't want to fall in love; I wasn't expecting to fall in love--it just sort of hit me one day. I worked full time and went to college full time--and at the end of the day, I was completely exhausted. The only thing I could think of was getting something to eat and going to bed. I checked my voicemail in between classes-he had left me a message telling me to come to his place after I was done with school. I show up at his house, exhausted beyond belief, and he's got a cup of hot chocolate and a sandwich waiting for me. "How was your day?" he asks me.

Who would have thought that, in that moment, NOTHING in the world could not take the place of the warmest gesture of that darn sandwhich and a stupid cup of hot chocolate... and his simple kindness in asking me about my day...

One day, I woke up to find him kissing me lightly on the cheek---just because he saw me sleeping (I worked graveyard) and felt like he wanted to. He didn't even know it woke me.

Another day, I woke up and I noticed that he was ironing like crazy. "What are you doing?" I asked in bewilderment. "Ironing." He grinned at me with the sort of mischievous grin that just makes you sort of smile, and I noticed that he's ironing MY clothes. "I'm almost done!" he said proudly... Done? Done with what? While I was asleep, he knew how busy I was, so he had taken my ENTIRE closet and ironed all of my clothes... he was hoping to do it before I woke up.

Being in love is like ... spending 5 hours with someone and it feels like minutes. You can do the most MUNDANE errands, and it's exciting. We had fun doing the silliest things--Costco trips became fun--our weekly trips to Home Depot became another chance to talk about our plans for our "future house."

Everything you do with them is exciting. Laying in their arms feels like euphoria. The world suddenly begins to make sense again, it has purpose, your life has meaning.

I would give my whole world to have that again. To find someone who knows how to love me without being told. They speak to your heart ... in ways that you don't quite understand. They "get" you and understand you. You can talk about ANYTHING and it's okay ... you can tell them the truth and they don't judge you.

Love isn't just about the actions, it's the feelings you get from being around them. It's how they make you feel about yourself. That seems to be the secret. Oh and what's funny is, you find yourself doing things you'd never normally d0--you WANT to do things for them, little things, just to make them happy, just to see them smile.

In the end, it's difficult to describe that feeling--but you know--oh you always know--when you don't have it--and you can see that feeling when others do.

As I've talked to many of my friends, real LOVE, is like a "Friendship On Fire" (the theme of a friend's wedding)... It's friendship transcended, friendship divine--and is it worth waiting for? Is it worth taking risks for?

There's always the possibility of being alone, of being rejected, of hurting yourself and others. But what if you realized how SHORT life really is and you didn't waste another moment with someone who will never understand who you really are? When we die, all we leave behind, are memories of ourselves and the legacy of ourselves. Who will remember your legacy? Who do you want to share yourself with? Who will remember you?

Life is short, you've heard it said a thousand times. Only you can decide if love is worth taking that risk for--you may end up alone, but maybe, just maybe, if you open up your heart, you just might find what you're looking for--and find yourself in the process.

Tomorrow, perhaps, I'll talk more about this subject of finding yourself. How do you do it? Where do you start? :P I've covered this before, but perhaps it needs a revisit. What are your thoughts?

Thoughts

Packing things when it's time to move always presents several challenges. For those of you blessed to have only moved a couple of times, you're lucky. For me, I have always felt as though I have always been at the mercy of the winds-always waiting for another to tell me where and when to go.
Anyways, as I was packing up my things, I was forced to go through all the old things that I stowed away-some needlessly, and some with good reason. Among other things, I found a letter I had written to J. It was a letter I never had the courage to give him, words that have been left unspoken for years, merely thoughts on paper. I should have just put it back in the box I got it and turned away. Or perhaps I shouldn't keep these things that haunt me and should throw them away altogether, but something prevents me from doing so.
When the other boxes were packed, I picked up those pages I had set aside and began to read it. It was a beautiful letter, and memories of our time together flooded back into my heart, memories I have long since wanted to forget.
It's a funny thing-I always tell people not to live in the past; it's not healthy for you. If you're always thinking about the past, you'll never live in the present, never look forward to the future. Yet there's something about everything that happened that I just can't seem to let go.

I think I know what it is, and I am hoping that talking about it will allow me to make sense of it all, to gather the courage to move forward and pray that true love is again possible.

Although I've spoken about this before, I want to give you a little picture of something. Have you ever truly loved someone? Truly? It's a feeling that poems and sonnets and cheesy songs and the romantic movie empire have all attempted to capture. Love is like the adrenaline rush after finishing first in a race or climbing the tallest mountain in the world. Actually, it makes you feel as though you could do anything-even climb that impossible mountain. You'd do it too; you'd brave every single step even if it meant loss of life and limb just to hold that person in your arms one more time or be held, or feel the gentle brush of their lips as they meet yours. That's love.

I cannot even do it justice, or try to describe what so many who have come before me have done ever so gracefully. All I can say is that, for a brief moment in time, it truly was like a dream. It was like everything I always imagined love can be. Nothing before and nothing since has even managed to touch it even for a moment.

As I go out on dates these days, and listen to the guys drone on and on about themselves, I want to laugh because all I can think about is the guy who asked me how I felt, what I liked, who I was.

I can still remember the soft touch of his hand as he touched my shoulder to ask me something. When I touch someone else on the shoulder, with not even so half a similar feeling or meaning, the guy shrinks away, or leans in closer because he thinks it means I want to sleep with him. It has no longer become a gesture of acceptance and notice.

People confuse my open, genuine nature with desperation. But I wouldn't settle for them; they wouldn't even come close to the love I've known especially as they criticize me or cut me off mid-sentence to talk about themselves some more.

Reading that letter today, I was reminded of the person he was, and
the person I was when I was with him. When things were good, they were really good. People who know him don't understand, but always remarked on our closeness, even after we were no longer together.
There was just something there and always will be.

I sit and ponder these things these days because I am only left with those lingering feelings of the past inside my heart. I am torn between letting those feelings go and keeping them safe in my heart, where no one will ever be able to touch them.

The only problem is, I can't seem to find anyone who touches my heart in the same place or even come close. I don't want to have to compare; I want the guy to blow my idea of something great out of the water, but it never happens. I guess in writing this, every guy who likes me and has access to this blog may be discouraged (and I realize this) … but the truth is, we should all want a love that is going to last. We should all want that bond that holds us together. We should all strive to love someone the way J and I did, even if it was just for a moment.

When I hear of people in real life (every day!) who are with people they don't love, or people they've settled for, or people they're unhappy with, I get really upset. I get upset because I know what real love is and I know that every person who's with the wrong person, is just making it more difficult for someone like me to find the right person.

Maybe my person is in a dead-end relationship and won't admit it to themselves. Perhaps they don't have the courage to get out of it or perhaps they won't ever have the courage to give me a try. Perhaps my person lives in another country or perhaps is married to the wrong person, constantly convincing themselves to give it "another try." Perhaps he has just been burned one too many times and is unwilling to take a chance … but perhaps when the time is right, he'll give me a chance to change his world forever.

I also want to admit something I've never told anyone before. People often ask me what initially attracted me to J. He's got an ego the size of NYC and though he is universally handsome, he continues to hold himself as his 1 priority. Well, the truth is, we had so much in common … he would read what I was thinking without me having to say anything. It's such a rare thing when you are truly understood. It was almost as if he'd finish my sentences for me because he knew what I was going to say. Even more importantly, he'd remember little things that I'd say months later. Even S, whom I lived with, didn't seem to remember the things I said or even what was important to me. But somehow, J did.

The thing I was going to admit is that … I remember him talking about his last girlfriend whom I actually knew pretty well. She was high maintenance and came from money, if you know what I mean. Our worlds couldn't have been more different. When he talked about their relationship, or talked about the things he wanted out of life, he had the saddest look of wistful longing on his face. Just as he'd understood me, I understood him. I understood that look. I could see the sadness in his eyes, even when he didn't say anything; he didn't need to. I always thought, in the back of my mind, that I wished for just a moment he would notice me (this was before we got together of course) because I wished that I could show him what he was missing out on in a relationship.

Of course, I ended up getting to do that, since we later got together. I was convinced that I could change J's life … and I think I did. Just as he changed mine…

Honestly, I'm glad that J and I didn't work out. I didn't really know who he was before I fell in love with him. Of course I probably wouldn't have fallen in love with him had I known. But it was a great experience because I learned so much from him. I feel as though we had our moment, and we taught each other the things we needed to. I taught him how to love another person, and opened the way for his new life now. He taught me how to appreciate myself and what to look for in another person, and to wait, even if it takes a lifetime, to find it again.

Ultimately, I don't know where my person is. I want to believe that he's out there, and his heart will be as loving as a deep and endless ocean. He'll wrap his arms around me, and on those moments when I am unsure what direction to go next or what decision to make, he'll pull me closer and tell me, "everything is going to be all right."

No Life is Insignificant

As I was driving today, making my way up the hill toward the place I call home, I nodded toward a tree on my right, as I always do as a way to pay my respects. It is the only tree on the drive whose trunk has been colored a shade of red. On the ground, surrounding the trunk, I have seen bouquet after bouquet of fresh flowers. Sometimes, there is a ribbon placed around the tree, a reminder that the person whose life was ended at that particular spot, is still remembered.
I can still remember when my friend Crystal called me one day and told me in an anxious tone, that there was a stand-off at the bottom of the hill. There were police cars everywhere and they were trying to convince a man who had apparently barricaded himself in his car, to give up his weapon. Apparently, at some point, for whatever reason known only to him, the man decided to take his own life.
I didn't know him, know anything about him, know how old he was, or know who he left behind. All I noticed is the amount of cards, gifts, and flowers that were left when he passed from this world to the next. What saddened me was that this man, this stranger to me, had probably felt that way about everyone else. He felt he had no way out, no place to go, no reason to live. But if only he had seen all of the love and all of the people who loved him, whom he left behind.
What strikes me about that particular place is that, when you look out at that particular spot, you can see so much beauty. If you turn and look down the hill, you can't help but see the most amazing view of Saddleback Valley. It was as if he could not see the beauty, because he was trapped in his own prison of pain. If only he could see how much he must have meant to someone here that was perhaps waiting for him to return home, waiting for the man who would never arrive.
So I remind myself, each time I pass that spot, that each person is significant. Each life matters. Each person important in some way. Every life is important; he was important, even if he couldn't see it.
I don't know this person, or what he looked like, or what kind of life he led, but somehow, in some small measure, he has changed my life, and changed the way I look at things. Sometimes it's easy to become bitter and angry and tell yourself that things aren't that great. But one breath of life is always better (in my opinion) than death. The smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, the sound of the rain as it falls on the rooftops, the feel of warm clothes upon my skin, the feel of someone's arms around you, giving you a real hug ... There are so many little things to be thankful for, and so many people who would miss you if you were gone.
Every person touches someone else's life in some way, whether or not we realize it. Each thing we do has an impact on another living thing. Don't for even a moment, underestimate yourself or the ultimate power you have in this life. Enjoy every single minute of it. Enjoy your time with other people, for one day they will be gone. Enjoy your life, because it is never insignificant.

To Thine Own Self Be True

I've noticed a trend lately in the things I've been writing. When I first started this blog, I just wanted to put random thoughts down on paper ... the funny thing is, I keep a journal, write a blog, and work on my novel all at the same time. Somehow, the original idea of what this blog was meant to be has gotten lost over the last two years and has, instead, focused a lot more on relationships / love. This has a lot to do with the fact that of all the things I write, the ones that get the most feedback always happens to be ones I write about relationships, love, trust, whatever. People write to me from all over the US (don't ask me how they found my blog-but whatever) and strike up a conversation with me.
Usually, I end up hearing their tale-whatever it may be-and it sparks within me inspiration for my next blog topic.
Recently, a friend asked me to write about unrequited love, and the topic is an especially difficult one for me to talk about-for many reasons. My point in telling you the fact that the meaning of my "blog" has somehow gotten lost over the past two years is not because I regret that-going off the "path" is sometimes an integral part of anyone's journey. However, what is especially interesting is that, my heart started out in the right place when I set out to write these blogs. I wanted a place I could just "let it all out" and there was (at least in the beginning) a sense of anonymity, where I could write with reckless abandon and my heart wasn't really too invested in the idea of adding "friends" to my pages-so I didn't have to worry about hurting anyone.
What's ironic about the topic my friend asked me to write about is that unrequited love is a circumstance that, I feel, starts out much the same way as I started out with this blog.
Unrequited love, quite simply put is love that is not returned to the other individual. But I dislike using the word "requited" because it is, essentially, another way to say "returned." So, for the purposes of this blog, unreturned love has to start somewhere.
It usually starts in the heart of one person who is interested in another person for whatever reason. Now, before I continue, I would like to differentiate between scary unreturned love and normal unreturned love (is there such a thing?) … Anyways, I am purposely excluding those individuals who take unreturned love to levels that includes (but is not limited to) stalking, violence, and extreme vindictive behavior.
So it starts with interest. But what defines interest? Some would argue that "interest" is little more than chemicals in the brain that cause us to be attracted to another individual. It is those little chemical signals given off by the brain that cause us to seek out certain people and not others. Personally, I think it is a combination of many things.
The truth is, I can't explain why some people are attracted to other people for no inexplicable reason. I can't explain what causes someone who promised they loved you one minute, only to ignore you the next. I can't explain why someone would talk about marriage in one breath only to complete stop talking to you the next.
There are some things in life that just don't make sense, no matter how much we want them to. We want to find a way of explaining things to soothe our hearts when we feel lost and alone. It's so hard to find someone we connect with (because it's so rare these days) only to discover that they have no interest in you or don't return the level of interest you have in them.
The only explanation that I can offer in circumstances like these is one. Perhaps this explanation will not soothe your heart (you know who you are) and perhaps it can't fix what's already been broken. But the truth always wants to be found, and perhaps this idea is something to consider …
I think what happens is that when we begin to like someone, for whatever reason, we begin to idealize them-place them up on a pedestal where they are impervious to being human. What I mean is, we have somehow made them god-like in our minds without realizing it. Until we can take off those rose-colored glasses, we can't truly see the person in front of us. We want to believe the best in them-so we give them the benefit of the doubt even to our detriment.
I have myself done this a thousand times. When I'm interested in someone, I forget about all the bad habits I see them displaying because I'm so busy picturing how wonderful they are in my head. Don't think I'm crazy; I'm sure that other people do this too. You know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. In the beginning, we want to believe that they like us back-so our heart fills in all of the little questions we ask ourselves about their character, their judgements, and their personality.
So when they ditch us after promising us the world, we can't figure out why and we're left hanging only to ask ourselves, "what happened?"
Worse, there's a feeling of loss that often accompanies these feelings because we feel as though we are losing something special, something that meant something to us. What becomes readily apparent is that these feelings that we had are clearly not shared by the other person because otherwise, they wouldn't treat us that way. At least, that's what we tell ourselves anyway.
I think the main reason I fell in love with J (and really felt he fell in love with me) is because when we first met, there was no need to think about each other in an idealistic way. We accepted each other because we were both taken at the time. Yet years later, when I sought his advice, I noticed something that I think is key …
When two people fall in love, they go through the same "rose colored glasses" stage. They idealize each other and then, when the feeling wears off, realize that they still love one another. But what happens when they idealize one another, it wears off, and they realize that it's not a good fit? Someone is bound to get hurt …
It just sucks when that person getting hurt turns out to be you. It sucks to have invested your heart and your time and your whatever into a person that will never return how you feel.
This has also happened to me a time or two; I think it happens to all of us. Everyone gets their heart trampled on, stepped on, and sometimes broken. No one is exempt to getting hurt unless they never open their heart up in the first place.
But if you don't open your heart, you'll never be willing to let someone wonderful, faithful, reliable, honest, etc. inside. But at the same time, if you just openly give your heart to each person who promises you the world, you'll run the risk of getting cut open like a fish fillet.
So what is the ultimate answer? I don't know … I do know that you deserve to be loved. You deserve to have someone who appreciates you and knows what they have is great. I've said this a million times, I know, but you should never have to convince someone of how great you are.
Either you're great, or you're not. The right person is going to think you're great and isn't going to let you go no matter what.
One thing I've often seen is how many excuses we give other people when we don't want to date them. "I'm really busy" or "I'm not ready for a relationship" or "I don't know what I want." Etc. etc. While those things may be true, there is one thing I know to be true.
If I wanted my favorite ice cream, and I knew I wanted it, and I knew it wasn't in the freezer, I would go and get it. I probably wouldn't let the cost hold me back, or how much time it took me to get to the store to get it. I certainly wouldn't be (too) annoyed to stand in line and wait as the cashier rang me up. Why? Because it's something that I really wanted. Put whatever it is you've really wanted into the sentence. Computer. T.V. Whatever. My point simply is that if you want something badly enough, nothing is going to stand in your way.
It's like the girl (or guy) that you perceive to be too "shy" or too whatever to ask you out on a date. I've heard one friend in particular (and yes, even myself a time or two) say over and over again how she has to ask guys out because they are too shy to approach her. But the truth of it all is this … (and the truth sometimes hurts) … if he liked you as much as you liked him, he wouldn't let anything stand in his way of asking you out.
Because real life is about finding someone wonderful to spend your time with. Real life isn't what we see on television. Real life means that you could die tomorrow. And if you died tomorrow, would you be happy with what or who you have right now? Because if not, then you'd go out and get whatever it was or whomever it was that you thought even had a possible chance of making you happy.
So that's how I feel about this. It's a tough subject because I'm personally terrible at decoding interest. It's always so much easier to give advice than to take my own …
But anyways, I just want you to know that there is someone out there who is going to love and appreciate you. You won't have to decode them or figure out what their secret word is or why they've abandoned you or why they aren't speaking to you or whatever. If you are dealing with that, my only advice is to try and let them go so you can make room in your life for someone better.
I know it's difficult to let someone you love, someone whom you've shared your dreams with, go. I know because I've been there; it took me 2 years to get over J. But in the end, perhaps instead of focusing on what you don't have with them, maybe it's time to focus on what you do have within yourself. Perhaps instead of looking at the love you are missing out on, you should spend time to know and love yourself.
A good healthy relationship starts from the inside out. When you love yourself, you can love another person. I think that Shakespeare said it best when he said, "To thine own self be true …"

The Filters in Our Lives

So lately, I've become much more interested in photography. There's something about taking images and making them look great that intrigues me. I think it has something to do with the fact that, with the right shot, you can not only capture a moment in time, you can almost capture a sense of being there, in that moment.
Have you ever looked at a photo and even though you've never been there, you can feel as though you could have been? The textures seem so real, so alive, they just grab you from its two-dimensional plane?
Anyways, I'm fascinated by it and recently bought a really nice although not professional quality, digital SLR. It's the kind of camera I'd say an experienced hobbiest would use or the amateur perfecting his / her craft on the path to becoming professional. But hey, it allows me to use different lenses and try different effects (before I have fun with it in Photoshop) so I'm completely happy with it so far.
There are several kits that you can buy to enhance your camera-one of which, or a few of which, are filters. There are all kinds of filters, but I'd say that UV filters, polarizing filters, and possibly flourescent filters are probably most common. Each has its purpose in the field of photography.
But specifically, the polarizing filter operates much the same way our sunglasses do. In a way, it helps provide much stronger contrast to the things we see-for example, it will help darken a blue sky or make the shadows stand out a bit more.
As I was thinking about this, I was reminded about the filters that we often place on our lives. We assign "filters" those things that we want to see, and those things we refuse to see, all in the course of our journey through life.
What's especially interesting is that it is these filters that color our perspectives and provide contrast to how we view life in general. For example, Someone who is racist uses a biased filter over the camera of their life to judge other people based on those things they believe. These beliefs, or filters, are rarely if every challenged because it requires the person (just like the camera user) to remove the filter in order to see a "normal" picture.
I often wonder what lenses and what filters, I have unknowingly applied in my life. Worse, I wonder how to break them down and make them clearer. But then, I see other people's filters, and it convinces me that mine aren't so bad.
There's a guy I know who always gets into the bad relationship. His latest "mistake" continues to treat him poorly. But because he's only been in destructive, unhealthy relationships, he somehow seems to think that this one is good for him. Or perhaps he even sees that it's unhealthy, but doesn't know another "filter" to use for his life, so he sticks with her. So he goes through day after miserable day wondering if there's someone better out there ... and there is. To quote a friend, you can't find the right someone if you're with the wrong someone.
A girl friend of mine always lets men walk all over her. Oh and ... she sleeps with them right away and always tells me, "But I thought he was going to be a nice guy." She is a super attractive Hispanic woman who could probably have anyone she really wanted. But the filter she is using has somehow caused her to view herself as someone not good enough or strong enough or whatever enough to find someone great. And so she let's herself get sucked into these situations where she feels that sex is the only way she can make them interested in her and then can't figure out why they don't stick around.
But then there's me. I think I have the "strong" "tough" filter on right now. But I've had to be that way. I'm starting to wonder if I'm too outspoken (remind me later to tell you how my boss sort of implied that I have that tendency) too independent, too stubborn perhaps? I'm not just talking about relationships, either. It seems like when I get "comfortable" in my job, I start speaking my mind when I don't know if I have the "right" to do that, if that makes any sense.
Well anyways, these filters continue to color our lives and we let them. As for my guy friend, his friends keep telling him to "dump" his girlfriend (I don't dare tell him that). But still, he keeps on trying. I am not sure that he would even recognize something or someone good if he saw them (remind me to tell you later about how he probably thinks I'm crazy). He might not even know how to have a healthy relationship or even what it means to be in one! So in putting on a "broken" or "different" filter, he in essence changed a part of his chemical makeup thus forever altering how he views the world.
I guess I am wondering at this point, if it is possible to change back--is there a magical answer for these filters we place over our lives? My girl friend claims she wants to find someone wonderful, but time after time after time, she ends up with the same kind of guy. As the friend who provides the "advice" I don't know what to do. I don't know how to remove that "filter" or even if it's possible.
What do you think?

Scary but Going For It Anyway ...

You know, when I was a young girl, we lived in the middle of about one hundred acres of woods and forest. Believe me, when you live in Oregon, that’s possible. At night, not only was it extremely quiet ... but you could often hear things crashing around in the forest.
It was those sounds that terrified me. Of course, I always ended up getting the chore of taking out the garbage. I would run as fast as I could across the driveway to where the garbage cans were. Then I would sift through the trash (a strange thing my mother would insist upon to ensure nothing important had been thrown away) and make my way back as quickly as possible to the house.
Things that scared and terrified me also made me eager to overcome them. A famous story (that my mother always tells at parties-so embarassing) is that when I was four, I saw the curtains moving on the door outside (due to the breeze) and I asked what made the curtains moved. "Ghosts." My brothers insisted. "They are trying to scare you." Well, while the thought scared me, I marched over to the door, opened it, and shouted, "BOO GHOST!"
If you fast forward, this approach to life actually is true just as much today as it was then. Things that terrify me only bolden my resolve to conquer them (with the exception of scary rides and death-defying stunts of madness)... even the idea of my current job scared the crap out of me, but I did it because I wanted to prove to everyone else (and especially to myself) that I could do it. I could be strong enough, tough enough, brave enough.
I did it. Six years later, I am still here ... having conquered many fears and shortomings within myself to be able to do it. But the truth is, underneath it all, I think I’m still afraid on some level.
Fear is a natural part of life. Some of us are constantly running from it, and others take the time to face our fears-we just do it a little bit more slowly than most people. We don’t run from them, but we don’t jump in either ...
I think I need to take my relationships slowly, one day at a time with someone patient, kind, and romantic. :)
Those are my thoughts.

Prayer For The Broken

So much of my life has been spent in oblivion--that strange place where you try to forget all the bad stuff that’s happened in your life and focus on the good. You try and forget the bad stuff about your friends, relationships, work, life, etc. and focus on what’s good about all those things.
I have purposely tried to avoid negative things because sometimes not knowing the truth is better than the alternative: knowing the truth and allowing it to hurt or affect you. Sometimes, I avoid hearing gossip for this very reason. I would rather not know why people dislike each other because I choose instead to form my own opinion one way or the other. I’d rather not know the toils and obstacles or the shortcomings in a person’s character or life because I’d like to continue to see them as better people than perhaps they really are.
Sometimes, inevitably, you learn about people when you spend time with them. You get to know the good, the bad, and sometimes, the ugly. I realize when I share who it is I am, my past "horrors" tend to scare people away at first because they assume things about me or make judgements about who I am based on my past. That is understandable when you look around and see how many people out there are broken, hurting, sad.
Recently, I was told some disheartening information about someone I hadn’t ever known before. All the questions I had asked myself about this person’s personality were suddenly resolved in the discovery. I was shocked to say the least that this person was so completely broken and lost. Some people are always a victim, a victim of circumstances, a victim of bad relationships, a victim of their own self-deprecating behavior.
Perhaps one day I will have the courage to attempt to post a blog more about this … but for now, I just wanted to say a little prayer for all of those out there who are broken and hurting.
Lately, I have struggled to find faith even in its smallest measure. If you could pray this with me, maybe if there’s a God up there, we can convince him to help heal some of these people so they can find happiness in their lives. If you are the one hurting, or have been hurt, abused, abandoned, whatever, in the past, I hope you can find peace.

God I pray that you help those who are hurting in their lives, those who are sad or broken. I pray that you would lift those people up, bless them, and help them to find peace. I pray that you help them realize that they have a purpose here on earth and they just need to find what it is. I pray that you would offer them comfort in their time of need and that you would look into their hearts and heal their hurts so that they can find whatever purpose it is that they were meant for. I pray that they are able to let go of their hurts and hang-ups and let go of those hurts they have suffered in the past. I pray that you give them strength for this journey of healing and I pray that their hearts are opened to let something new and wonderful happen in their lives. All this I pray in your name. Amen.

Greener Grass

So you’ve probably heard that old familiar saying, "the grass is always greener on the other side [of the fence]." That adage implies that everything always looks better from a different perspective-until you get there, and you realize that the grass looks just the same as everyone else’s-including yours.
But sometimes the grass really is greener on the other side. Let’s take a look at a few things.
When the first flat panel t.v.’s / computer monitors came out and were super mega expensive, I couldn’t help but wonder what it might be like to have the thin versatility of the flatscreen and the idea of an uncluttered workspace was especially appealing. But still, my old, bulky, enormously ugly CRT monitor (cathode ray tube) still was functionable. Supposedly the picture was better anyways. But as the time went by, I kept thinking about that flat panel monitor until, one day, I bought one. Let me tell you, it was everything I hoped for in a monitor (well, for the most part) so I was not disappointed (Thank You Samsung!).
In another case, a friend of mine recently confided in me that he was hoping to get a new job-one that expanded his knowledge and that gave him an opportunity to grow within the company-something his current company didn’t offer. He was at yet anoter dead-end job where the pay was absolutely outstanding. Looking for a new job meant the possibility of taking a pay cut, not liking it as much, and the possibility of failure. He kept wondering if the grass was greener on the other side. He loved his co-workers (he’d been working there for five years or so) and loved what he did. But yet there was still that idea in the back of his head eating away at him ... Finally, he took a breath, put out his resume, and got a new job. This job is so much better than his last job. He told me he hadn’t even realized how crappy his old job really was until he got his new one. So this is a perfect example of times when something you don’t have is in fact better than what you do ...
Finally, there are relationships. When I was in my 7 year relationship (wow, I still can’t believe we were together that long), we got along really really well for the most part. We argued at times, like any other couple. But for the most part, we actually had a paretty calm relationship. But in the back of my head, I longed for something more, something different. We had no major commonalities and the more I grew up (I was, after all, very young) the lack of similarities between us started out as a small tributary and grew into a great gulf that separated us. But still, I kept on with the relationship. But every time I had a connection with someone else, a spark of that something I was missing in my relationship, I wondered. I wondered if it really was greener on the other side of the fence. I questioned whether or not the things I wanted were really possible.
After a time, I made up my mind that I needed to find out. So I broke up with him. I would be lying if I said he wasn’t devastated and I truly from the bottom of my heart, regret the callous way I handled everything. I had emotionally disconnected from the relationship a month or two before it was actually over. He probably deserved more of an explanation. But if you were to hear the terms of it all, you might actually say he didn’t. Who knows.
The point is, I wanted to see if the grass was really greener--and in a way, it really was.
Sometimes when we see people in relationships that we don’t understand, it’s easy to point fingers and make snap judgements about what they should do with their lives. We want them to see the possiblity that there is more to life out there than who they’re with. But the reality is, they’re probably thinking through the same things in their mind and wondering to themselves "is the grass really greener on the other side?"
The truth of it all is, I’ve somehow convinced myself that the grass really is greener on my side. Maybe I’m wrong ... I see how people get in relationships, and I’m shocked. I see how people treat one another and I’m apalled. I want to enjoy someone’s company without changing who they are, I want to have an intelligent conversation about random things, I want to be a part of someone’s life and have them be a part of mine. I want them to think to themselves how lucky they are to have me and visa versa. I never want them to regret being in a relationship with me. It’s that simple.
I don’t know what the future holds; I don’t know if I will ever find someone in this lifetime. But that’s okay ... I know I’m not perfect; I know I make stupid mistakes; I know I’m still growing as a person. But I definitely think that I’m worthy of something and someone great. But I just have to be given that chance ... So this might be yet another one of those times when the grass really is greener on the other side.
As far as relationships, I’m sure we’ve all been in those situations and with those people who we are pretty sure are not the IT person. They are the person who tides us over until our real person comes along. But what I’ve noticed is that so many people get trapped by the "stand in" person because they end up getting pregant (sometimes on purpose-don’t even get me started), they have such low self-esteem they are afraid to move on, they feel something is better than nothing, or they just don’t know what they want. They get trapped and then life gets in the way. Suddenly everything has become more complicated. They end up settling and find themselves unhappy.
The truth is, even though people criticize me for taking such a long time to find someone (or criticize me for having standards), I would rather be here, soaking up moderate happiness, than stuck wallowing in a slow death of loneliness or unhappiness. Sometimes it’s worth coming over to the other side because the grass just might give you a place of peace.
I admit though, it does get lonely over here in my patch of personal garden. But when the time is right, everything will work itself out and I won’t have to wonder if the grass is greener elsewhere anymore-because I’ll have already been to the other side to find out.

Ways to Reach Out

I keep putting off the subject of trust, I realize, but it’s really a long blog that I must save for when I have time. Oh my goodness. I totally want to talk about flirting... well, okay, not flirting per say so much as who to do when you’re being flirted with and how to interpret it..
I suck at flirting. Somehow the words that come out of my mouth end up sounding pathetic and ... dumb rather than enchanting and sexy. Go figure. I will probably never have my mother’s seemingly innate ability to seduce any guy at any time. Seriously. Even at her age ... but anyways ...
So instead of calling it flirting, I’m going to call it "Ways to Reach Out" to someone, because let’s face it, we reach out to people all the time. But it’s knowing what to look for when someone reaches out. Perhaps if you reach back, meet them halfway, you might just make a new friend or find a good relationship partner.
A guy friend of mine (you know who you are) keeps asking how to tell when a girl likes him. Even though we all know that when a girl likes you, she’ll make it pretty obvious ... even shy girls have their limits. His point, which is a good one, is what to do as a pre-cursor to flirting so you know your presence would be a welcome one? So, I thought I’d compile a list of some stuff to do to reach out and see what the response is. If the response is positive to at least half the things on the list, then I’m pretty sure the other person likes you. If it’s not, then they probably don’t.
If a guy calls you, he’s reaching out. If a girl calls you, same thing. Whether it’s just to ask you a lame question or to talk to you about the last Laker game, it’s reaching out. (Keep in mind, this doesn’t apply necessarily in work situations. Just so we’re clear).
Anytime the other person asks you questions about yourself, they are reaching out. So then what are you going to do about it? If you like the person, reach back. Oh, and you might disagree with my idea of a positive / negative response, so keep in mind it’s just my opinion ... not fact.
If you like someone, ways to reach out are:
1) Ask them questions about themselves (i.e. what do they do for fun?)Positive Response: an answer. They tell you about the skiing trip they went on last year, the fishing trip they took to wherever, etc. SUPER Positive Response: They ask questions about YOU.Negative response: No answer, or the brush off. I had someone tell me once, "I don’t really do anything for fun." Not exactly a positive response.SUPER Negative Response: Not only do they not answer your question but don’t even bother to ask anything about you. Maybe they change the subject or don’t even answer ...
2) Call them for any reason. Maybe you have a question or want to know something or ... whatever.Positive Response: They sound eager to talk to you and your conversation seems positive and upbeat. Or they return your phone call within a couple of days if you’re unable to reach them.SUPER Positive Response: They tell you they are happy to talk to you or it was really nice talking with you (that implies you should call again or perhaps they will). They also return your phone calls right away. Negative response: They tell you they are really busy at the moment (why did they answer the phone then? That’s why they have voicemail ...) and will have to call you back. But they don’t.SUPER Negative Response: Every time you call, they don’t answer the phone.
3) Ask them out to coffee / dinner / movie, whatever.
Positive Response: They say yes. You set a time and make a plan. You mutually agree on a place to go.SUPER Positive Response: They say yes, you set a time and make a plan, and after your evening (or whatever) they tell you they’d like to see you again. They tell you they are willing to go anywhere (so long as they’re with you).Negative response: They say yes, then blow you off or they say no. They offer some half-hearted explanation. They say something along the lines of, "Maybe" or "I’ll get back to you." And you can’t seem to agree on a plan.SUPER Negative Response: They say no and offer no explanation or they say no and come up with a million reasons they didn’t say yes. Worse, they seem uncomfortable you even asked in the first place. Ouch. That one hurts. Also, they don’t seem to like any plan you come up with.
4) Try to talk to them (more than other people)
Positive Response: They respond with open communication: looking at you while you talk, feet pointed in your direction, there is easy communication.
SUPER Positive Response:All of the above and they return your smile and look into your eyes while talking.
Negative response: Closed body language: Frequent shifting in position while talking to you, yawning, torso pointed away from you, no eye contact while talking, no smile.SUPER Negative Response: All of the above and they interrupt you in the middle of something you’re saying, don’t look at you, frequently check their watch or tap their feet / hands.
5) Smile at them more often (this is a toughie for some people. I don’t mean a fake grin either.)Positive Response: They acknowledge you and smile back.SUPER Positive Response: They acknowledge you, smile back, and stare into your eyes.
Negative response: They just look at you awkwardly, no smile.
SUPER Negative Response: They look away or walk away.
(I should mention that some super shy people have the tendency to look away or down when people smile at them—just food for thought)
6) Touch them gently on the arm, shoulder, hand when you’re talking to them (oh, it’s said that if you do this without thinking about it it’s a sign you’re a genuine, trustworthy person).
Positive Response: They don’t shrink away, they smile.SUPER Positive Response: They don’t shrink away, they smile, and they touch you back, they’ll reciprocate. They will maintain closer body proximity.
Negative response: They shrink away, no smile, no reciprocation.SUPER Negative Response: They put greater distance between the two of you. You won’t be able to maintain close body contact.
7) Do nice or thoughtful things for them.Positive Response: They thank you and return the kindness.SUPER Positive Response: They give you a card or gift back, they offer to help in the future.Negative response: They don’t respond. They don’t return the kindness. They don’t thank you or appear to appreciate the act or possibly even notice.SUPER Negative Response: They seem embarrassed or uncomfortable, they get nervous about it, they tell you not to do anything for them again in the future.
8) Details about You—You mention tiny details about your everyday life: perhaps it’s your favorite color or something you’re interested in.Positive Response: They remember little details you’ve mentioned. They give you compliments. They seem to want to get to know you.SUPER Positive Response: They remember details and mention that they’ve remembered.
Negative response: Silence. They ask you the same questions over and over again.SUPER Negative Response: They appear annoyed by the little details or seem bored when you talk about your life. Their interaction with you feels more like an interrogation rather than a conversation.
9) Making Yourself Available—You give your personal details such as cell phone number, e-mail, etc.Positive Response: They give you their cell phone number.SUPER Positive Response: They give you their cell phone number, fax number, e-mail, and every other detail you can imagine.
Negative response: They don’t give out their information readily, or you have to ask more than once.SUPER Negative Response: They give you the wrong number, a bad number, or refuse to give you their number. Or they just don’t answer when you ask as if pretending not to hear you.
10) Spending time with them-how do they react by spending time with you?
Positive Response: They take the time to get to know you; they respect you.SUPER Positive Response: They respect you, take time to get to know you, and seem to do things because they want to impress you. Negative response: They don’t seem to want to spend time with you.
SUPER Negative Response: They won’t make time to see you. They are always "super busy" or "working" and can’t you a clear answer of when they’re available.
So there you go. Make out your list. +1 point for Positives, +2 for Super Positives. -1 point for Negatives, -2 points for Super Negatives. And if it doesn’t apply, it’s a 0 score. Okay, so this totally seems like easy common sense ... but sometimes I’m not so sure. These are just some of the things I sort of have in the back of my head when I try to reach out to other people or when I am trying to decide if people are reaching out to me. Maybe it’s accurate, maybe it’s not. Who knows.
In the end, if someone really likes you, I think you’ll know. And if they just want to stick you in the "Friends Zone" you’ll figure it out eventually. Good luck

I'm Ready

Have you ever had completely random conversations with people that somehow correlated? They have no idea that you've spoken to someone else and yet somehow it all fits together ... It's almost as if the cosmos is spitting out a message. Call it God, the higher power, whatever.
Everyone is talking about the power of positive thinking--you know, the idea that if you think about something you want, you're supposed to be able to get it.
Now I don't know about you, but I've thought that I could win the lottery for a long time-and not once (Not ONCE) has it ever happened.
So I wonder if there's anything to this positive thinking stuff. I mean, I'm a pretty optimistic "glass if half full" kind of person. But does that have any effect on anything that might happen in life?
It is said that happy people live longer, more fulfilled lives. So wouldn't it stand to reason that if you're happy, things naturally go your way? Because if things happen that don't go your way, I imagine you'd disregard them or get over them faster than someone with say depression would. Therefore, the negative things that happen to an optimistic person don't affect them the same way. Thus, they are able to stay happier longer. When a person is happy, then tend to forget about the negative.
I was also thinking about how people in domestic violence relationships have the tendency to establish patterns where they constantly return to people time after time that have personalities similar to their parents and statistically, that means over-bearing and domineering control freaks. So with the idea that if you think something, it will come true-this might just be the same thing if you think negative thoughts, they might just come true. Because you subconsciously put out the energy that you are afraid of this very scenario coming true. How is it that it then comes true? It might be because subconsciously you made it happen ...
Anyways, everyone is talking about the book, "The Secret." I haven't read it, but I'm sure it's something along the lines of what I am talking about.
I almost neglected to mention the idea of finding a good relationship. If you think you can find a good relationship, will you find one? Or if you secretly fear you are going to have a crappy relationship, will you subconsciously undermine it? How does that work when you don't like the relationship someone else is in? Because your thoughts don't seem to have any effect on that ... =P
Seriously, is it possible to find everything you're looking for in a relationship just by the power of positive thinking? Okay, so here goes: I'm waiting for you whomever you are. You're going to be funny, intelligent, nerdy, and perfect. Oh, and romantic too. You like to cuddle. You don't play games. You're going to figure out I'm amazing any day now and ask me out. You're not married or otherwise taken. You're kind and like children. Oh, and dogs too. There, I just sent a message out into the cosmos ... let's see what happens.
What do you think?

You Are Loved

So about a year or so ago, I was going through one of my bleakest moments ever. I was driving back from a friend's house and was thinking about how completely unloved and alone I felt. It's been an incredible journey, these past 10 years here in California, and it's sometimes difficult to believe how far I've actually come.
I was reflecting on poor decisions I've made, friends I've lost touch with along the way, and thinking that if I were to die, no one would ever notice it. As I said, one of my bleaker outlook moments in life. Anyways, it was silent in my car; for once, I didn't have the blaring radio to quiet my thoughts. So as I'm thinking about this, and thinking of how hopeless I felt, I got the inexplicable feeling to turn on the radio. A station (one that I never listened to) suddenly popped into my head (I know how crazy it sounds) but it's all true. So I turned to that station and all of a sudden, a sad mellow tune from a piano caught my attention. Everyone who knows me well knows that I have always held a soft spot in my heart for anyone who can play and the hair on my arm stood up. I felt as though I NEEDED to listen to this song. And these were the first words I heard:
"Don't give up. It's just the weight of the world when your heart's heavy, I will lift it for you. Don't give up, because you want to be heard ... if silence keeps you, I will break it for you."
Even now as I write this, the hairs on my arm again stand up and I am overtaken by the powerful effect that these words had on me the first time I heard Josh Groban (didn't even know who that was, had to look it up) sing it. As if reading my thoughts in an innermost part of my heart, he continued,
"Everybody wants to be understood...well I can hear you. Everybody wants to be loved. Don't give up...because you are loved."
It sounds cheesy, but those words meant something to me. If there is a God, then he was clearly sending me a message loud and clear.
So I just wanted to offer up a little hope for all those people out there who are suffering in some way, who are lost or are hurting, or feel as I did then, that no one cared for me.
"It's just the hurt that you hide, when you're lost inside ... I'll be there to find you ... Don't give up because you want to burn bright. If darkness blinds you, I will shine to guide you ... don't give up."
I don't know the bigger plan or what lies ahead in our futures. I don't know who will fall or who will continue onward. I don't know if I'll ever find what I'm looking for or a safe place to rest and a good heart to place my trust in. But I do know that no matter how difficult things are, if we truly listen, listen to the messages we are given, we'll discover the path, the way, the light.
We all lose our way sometimes in this journey we call life. Everyone feels lost sometimes, everyone wants to give up. No matter what you are going through, don't give up. Remember: you are loved.

Hold On To Yourself

I must rely on the wise words of Sarah Mclachlan and Jewel for this blog ... as I descend into a subject a friend and I have recently been talking about. Specifically, how to hold on to yourself after you've fallen in love and gotten hurt.
"Hold on ... Hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like Hell." ~Sarah M
Many of you can relate what it's like when you first fall in love with someone. At first, you can't believe it's happening to you. But suddenly, your heart is slipping, sliding, gracefully falling towards complete reckless abandon and love. Everything is perfect. You finally reach that point in your life where it means something to you. The world is a little bit brighter, your days a little bit easier. Eventually, you let go. They're kind to you, they take care of you, they love you back. You let go of that tiny voice in the back of your head and heart that tells you they might hurt you. You let it go so that you are completey submersed in your love. You see their faults; you accept them for who they are.
But then there's a problem that emerges. At first, it's something small. But then one day something happens-maybe it's something big like cheating on you. Whatever it is, it shatters you. You are the mirror that's broken into a thousand pieces and are left, all alone, to try and figure out what went wrong.
I think a lot of people who end up saying they have "trust issues" really mean they have issues trusting themselves. Because they lost sight of who they were while they were in that relationship. They let go of themselves and got lost in the idea of their "perfect" love. So instead of seeing the warning signs, or perhaps completely ignoring the warning signs, end up careening off a cliff.
"You try and tell yourself you'll be all right ... I shouldn't think anymore tonight cuz dreams last for so long ... even after you're gone." ~ Jewel
We all have an idea of how it should go. But sometimes we end up losing ourselves. So when we emerge, on the other side of the broken relationship, we stopped trusting ourselves. You see, it's easier to convince ourselves that we've done something wrong, that there's something we could have changed or done differently and everything would have been all right. But that's our faulty thinking.
After J and I broke up, I did blame myself. I blamed myself for harboring a grudge after the first time I caught him being slightly unfaithful. I blamed myself for holding him too tightly. Worse, after I lost my trust in him the first time, I never gave him a chance to earn my trust back. I blamed myself for everything that went wrong. But that's ridiculous! I completely missed the warning signs that were CLEARLY there before this all happened. For example, though I lived with him, he never wanted me to get the mail. He especially never wanted me to answer the phone. What kind of living situation is it when you can't even answer your own phone? He even went out of his way to get me my own line!
He justified his actions by telling me that he was a "private person" and explained it wouldn't look good for a supervisor to date a subbordinate. Somehow, I let him convince me that type of thinking was acceptable, and it wasn't! Every time he would get upset with me, I would convince myself it was my fault. Or worse, he would tell me it was my fault and I would believe him!
At the end of our "relationship" he had me convinced that I was crazy!
So some time went by and I realized that ... I wasn't the crazy one! He was. He had issues to resolve and things that he needed to work on. The reason I got so lost is because I let go of myself and let go of the person I am. I gave him more respect than I gave myself. Once I realized that I was the one who had all the power, it all made sense! His cheating was about control (ask any psychologist-they'll tell you the same thing) ... and it was never about me! I wasn't the one to be blamed!
About six months after I discovered this, he took me out to lunch and his words, while a bittersweet remedy, shocked me. By this point, his new girlfriend was pregant. There was no chance I was getting back together with him. And by this time, I'd already moved on ... anyways, he told me that he had been falling in love with me. For the first time in his life, he was falling head over heels in love ... and like any guy with commitment issues, it scared him. So he did the only thing he thought he could do to maintain control. He tried to cheat. But it didn't work, he never did it, because I caught him. He admitted to me that none of the things that happened in our relationship were my fault; he was to blame for how everything fell apart. He was to blame for it all. He also told me that I was one of the best people he'd ever met and he really blew it with me and knew it.
Few of us ever get that kind of closure. But my point is simply that while the answer came a little too late for me to waste about two years with a broken heart, it only reflects what time could only tell.
"Hold on ... Hold on to yourself ... you know that only time will tell." Sarah M
The secret it seems, is not to stop trusting. Trust is not the enemy; it's the solidifying foundation to any long-lasting, strong relationship. The true secret is to NOT stop being who you are. So hold on to yourself. Hold on to yourself through this journey and even when you get into the most mind-blowing amazing relationship, hold on to yourself. Change those things you must about yourself, but keep the person you are and I promise, you will trust again. You will find someone wonderful again. You just have to give it time.
Cheers and peace.

Dating Tips For Guys (What Not To Do)

Good evening!
So I should be updating you on my workout plan / diet action ... but here's the deal: I have been struggling with a small cold for the past week or so. Just when I thought I've kicked it to the curb, it comes back with a nasty bite. So pray that my awesome immune system is able to conquer it once and for all. I have always been able to get over things pretty well or avoid getting sick. Hopefully, this cold will not conquer me...
Anyways, everyone knows that I have been dating people recently ... well in the last few months. I could probably write the book on bad dates. But I thought I would take a few moments to talk about things that have happened to me (mostly bad) as an example of things guys shouldn't do on a date ... with any girl. Girls, see if you can relate. If I missed one, feel free to add a comment with YOUR rule! I can't wait to read 'em. Guys, please don't get offended. I'm not saying you're a jerk or that you're going to do any of the following things. I'm just telling you things from my personal experiences that I plan to avoid in the future. I'm hopeful and positive that a great person exists out there and I plan to find him. I can't promise that it will ever work out, but I promise that I'm a good girl and I'll treat the guy right ...
With that in mind, here we go ...
THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN YOU DATE A GIRL:1) Don't let her pay for dinner on your first, second, or even third dates. Period. Even if the bill is very little and she insists. YOU insist on being the gentleman. She'll give in ... yeah, it seems sad in this day in age that you have to pay for things. But it's the first few dates. Be a gentleman. She'll appreciate you for it in the end.
2) Don't tell her you'll take her out on a date, but then say something like, "Well, we'll go out ... unless my dog gets sick" or "... unless I'm out of town that weekend."
3) Don't talk about things like all the "friends with benefits" relationships you've had in the past or want to have in the future. I promise you, she doesn't want to hear about it. Player.
4) Don't call her then suddenly remember something else you have to do like cutting your toenails and so you tell her you have to call her back. Really. If it's so important for you to talk to her, the toenail cutting or personal grooming items can wait. The way I see it is, I want to know where I'd fit on the list of their priorities. Knowing I'm second to the toenail clipping is NOT good for me.
5) The subject of kissing is delicate. Don't expect she is going to kiss you on the first date. She just met you. Maybe she'll kiss you if you've been friends for like 4 years or she has no values and is the type that gives in to whatever you want. Let me just say that a girl with values likes to take it slow, likes to enjoy each and every moment. Why rush into the kiss? The kiss is a magical moment and is meaningful. A bad kiss can often decide the fate of your chemistry. Kissing is like listening to a good song. You can't just jump into the chorus ... you have to build up slowly, and then comes the cresendo ... If you have built up your new-found "relationship" / "date" and you want to kiss her on the first date, please ask her, "can I kiss you?" or something cute. She'll tell you where she stands.
6) Open the door for her. Let her walk first through the restaurant. That's a nice thing to do. You are letting her know you respect her presence.
7) Don't ask a girl a question unless you plan on answering it yourself. Period. Sometimes a guy likes to play 20 questions with the girl, but then considers himself too "high and mighty" to answer the same questions. There are only so many basic questions, sparky.
8) Don't assume anything. Don't assume she likes sushi, for example, because she just might hate it. Don't assume that little Mexican place you've got all picked out for your romantic getaway evening is going to be just what she wants. Ask her the things she likes and listen to what she tells you.
9) She is not a sex toy. Sex is important. Don't ask her about her "interests" in an "adventurous sexual romp" with three people or about how many positions, etc. she likes to do or even her favorite methods / sexual behavior. Even those of us who like sex (sorry to be so personal) know that people who are good at it don't have to always talk about it. After all, is the reason you're talking about it because you're a bit insecure? Hmm...
10) Don't get drunk / high / above the legal limit on your first few dates. Let's be honest, our personalities change when we drink. If you have too much to drink, what do you think the other person is going to think of you? Not to mention the idea that you are meeting someone for the first time and are trying to make a good impression. Don't let the first impression they have of you be the impression of you being obnoxious at the bar or overly flirtatious or (much worse) the guy throwing up in the bathroom, and having lots of waiters tell your date how sick you are.
So these are just a few. I know you have some .... C'mon guys ...
And I thought I would leave you with another one a date did a few years back that has to top my list of things not to do ...
11) Don't ask a girl out on a date only to tell her when you get there that your parents (PARENTS) have already cooked you dinner.
That's all for now... your thoughts are precious. Write them down or lose them forever.

The Perfect Churro

In Search of The Perfect Churro--inspired by Denise a.k.a. "sugar and spice and everything nice."
I don't know about you, but finding a good churro is a difficult process.
Sometimes, you go to Costco and you get a churro there--because it's one of the only places you have seen churros. After all, where does everyone else find their churros?
You usually accept the churros you are given at Costco, no matter how bad they taste. You notice that there's not enough sugar on it, but you've already bought it, so you figure that the best thing you can do is keep eating it, hoping that it will eventually taste better. And you begin to doubt yourself. This is what a churro is supposed to taste like, you tell yourself. And yet, a part of you wishes for something more. A part of you wishes it was just a little bigger, a little hotter, had a little more sugar, had a little less sugar, or just was a little bit more satisfying and didn't leave you wanting something more.
There are times when the perfect thing comes from the most unexpected of places. When you buy a churro at say, El Pollo Loco, and you worry that with a name like "Crazy Chicken" the churro will reflect yet another poor choice you've made in food. Clearly, a place that specializes in chicken could not possibly make the best churro.
But sometimes, you are wrong. Sometimes, you fear the worst--but you buy the churro anyway. You reluctantly hand over your dollar and change, watching in horror as a quarter slips from your hand and falls to the ground-and now the churro that you were already doubting-cost more than you intended. You start to second-guess yourself. Is the churro going to be worth all the trouble?
You take a deep breath, and fish more change from your purse--hand it to the clerk, and wait patiently for what you expect will be yet another mundane experience. But it's not.
It didn't come in the best packaging and it didn't look like the best churro you'd ever seen-but you take a bite and in an instant, you realize that something you've never noticed before has suddenly become one of your favorite things. In that moment you take the bite, and then another, your expectations of what you thought it would be like melt away and complete satisfaction replaces all your worries and doubts.
You don't bother to notice your churro is smaller than the one you ate at Costco, or other churros you've eaten before ... you merely take the time to enjoy the experience for what it is. And suddenly, something on the menu that you've never noticed before, has become one of your favorite things.
The thing about is, it's really a great churro. It's just the way you like it-just hot enough, has enough sugar, and is crunchy on the outside and soft and chewy on the inside.
After you reluctantly finish your churro, you realize that now that you've had such an amazing churro, you can never again accept just any churro. Because now you know what a churro can be and how good it can taste when it's made right.
If you get a chance, find a good churro. Don't settle for too big or too small or too sweet or too hard. Find a good churro. You never know, you may just find something amazing in the "craziest" of places.

Difficult Steps (ie Letting Go)

Anyone who knows me knows that I am almost a contradiction of personalities at times. I am outgoing and love to laugh, but am shy when it comes to meeting new people or flirting with guys. While some people have the innate ability to shamelessly flirt with people, I sit back in the wings and wait for things or people to come to me.
It's a wonder that I ever had the success I did at meeting both S and J (you know who they are) because they pursued me and my laid-back style really worked for me. They got to have the chase they wanted, and I didn't have to come out of my shell to make a move on them.
Another thing that is difficult for me is to let go of things I've been holding onto-both physically and emotionally. Before I start to sound like a basket case who needs psychiatric help, let me explain because it's not what it sounds like.
I have pretty much lived out of a box since I was sixteen. Actually, when I was sixteen, I had nothing--I went into the care of social services without so much as even a change of clothes. The clothes they ended up getting us were too big and horrible looking. Shauna ended up losing her favorite stuffed dog, Whopper. I still think about that. She used to take it with her everywhere. But I guess he wasn't meant to accompany us on the next part of our journey.
When we finally managed to get our things, I held onto them because it was all I had. Every time we changed places, I had to pack up my stuff again and move. Everything else, everything too big to carry, and sometimes things that meant a lot to me, were left behind. At one point, Mom found out where we were staying (she was a good detective with things like that) and called us-threatening to burn all of our stuff.
So when I finally stayed at a place for a few months or more, I kept everything. Plus, with moving around so much, friendships were fleeting. I'd make a new friend, share a few memories, then move away again. Pictures we'd taken or things we'd done were lost ... and a part of me was lost with them and left behind.
I think that's part of the reason I've felt so strange having lived where I do now for so long. I think a part of me is afraid that if I let this stuff go, the memory will be lost forever. So I've kept momentos of my travels for the past 14 years. But I've reached the point in my life where ... it's time to let it all go. It's time to let go of the fears and insecurity I've had about keeping it and it's time to remember that the one thing that has always been with me this whole time is me. And I'm not going to lose that. Even if there are no pictures of family that ever adorn my walls or photographic proof of where I've been, I'll still remember and I'll still have me.
This all may sound like common sense, but most people seem to have only moved once or twice in their lives. They don't know what it's like to live out of a box every year or wonder when the next move is going to happen. But I do.
So I feel as though I've become a true adult because I've started to get rid of it all ... stuff I don't need, stuff in boxes, stuff I'll never use. I have decided that less is more. Less is more. My room right now is completely torn apart. If it doesn't have a direct purpose, it's going in the trash. I feel better already.
The second step I've made is that ... I finally let go of someone who I've loved for a long time.
You know, I always tell people not to burn bridges. You never know when you're going to need someone. So you should always treat them with respect and kindness. Always. And I have the tendency to appreciate good things and want to keep them in my life. The funny thing is, sometimes something appears to be good, but really, is actually hurting you.
So my ex boyfriend, who I was desperately in love with but broke my heart, keeps coming around. He buys things for me and ... I haven't had the heart or the will to tell him no. Worse, he has a girlfriend and a six month old baby at home.
He doesn't come around like he used to. There are no fake hugs or perfunctory niceties that you'd expect from a couple who broke up and stayed friends. He plopped himself in my office and proceeded to tell me that he knew where my new "assignment" at work was going to be. The thing is, I had been offered this assignment and hadn't made up my mind to accept it or not. It would come with a ton more responsibilities, dangers, and difficult hours. In thinking about this, I had to decide what it was going to do to me. If you know me, you know that this job already takes a difficult toll. What would happen to my soul if I were to accept the job? As cheesy as this sounds, I am at my best when I am loved and supported. It's difficult to negate stress when I come home to a lonely life. I don't know how to explain it... that's just the way it is. So if I were to accept the responsibility, that girl I know -- the old me who is still clinging on to the life of being sweet, slightly naive but kind--would be replaced by the girl who is hardened, realistic, and forever changed by the sights I've seen.
Anyways, so he tells me that he'll "put in a good word" and this and that... and the thing is--where was he when I was going through a difficult dating situation a year ago? Where was he when I had to move my stuff from his house when he cheated on me? Where was he when I struggled at my job and didn't know what to do? Where was his friendship then? And now he just acts like he can drop on by whenever he wishes and pretend that he's still my good friend. Well, I'm not a friend of convenience.
The old me, the one that still loves him, wanted to make sense of it all. Why would he be doing those things for me? For what purpose? The old me, the one who also wanted to maintain the friendship, felt --even in the smallest way--loved.
But the new me, the one who feels as though I deserve to be treated well is like, WHAT is this? What is he doing? Why try to be my friend once in a while? And why on earth does he think I still need his help or welcome his "good word" to someone else? A lot of people know what happened even though I've tried to make it not that big of a deal.
Well, what made up my mind is this: the other day, another one of my co-workers approached me and started telling me all the funny stories about him in his new life: about dealing and adjusting with the new baby he and his girlfriend have just had. And I realized something important: despite his pretense that we are still friends, I am missing out on the best part of a good friendship--the part where I get to be a part of his life too. I'm not a part of his life. I don't get to hear about the baby laughing for the first time or taking steps for the first time. I don't get to hear about how he feels about life or how he's dealing with being a new parent. All I get, is the "I'll put in a good word for you" sort of half-hearted friendship--a friendship based solely out of guilt. He feels guilty for what happened. He's told me so. He's told me "I'm trying to make things right." But the truth of it all is, he'll never make things right. I don't know, to be honest, if that's possible.
So ... gathering up my courage, I pushed away the person in my head telling me that I still wanted him around. A part of me still wants that interaction, even if it's unhealthy for me. How crazy is that?!? (don't answer). I wrote him an e-mail (I could have never done this in person) and told him that I didn't want his "help" anymore. I didn't want his friendship. I told him that given the circumstances, friendship wasn't possible. I wished him the best of luck with his new life. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and hit the SEND button.
He called me later that night--didn't leave a message. I'm lucky that I was at a friend's party or I would have been tempted to pick up the phone. I'm so glad I didn't have to hear it ring. I guess his lack of a message is clear enough: there's nothing more to be said. I'm right and he knows it. We could have wasted another two years being polite.
Anyways, it was a difficult step. It's difficult to let things and people go. But sometimes, you have to cut away the fat in your life in order to be healthier, happier, and stronger.
All I can say is that ... I feel proud because I know that I have made steps in a positive direction. I will miss my things and I will miss my "friendship" with J. But let's face it, a half-hearted friendship isn't a friendship at all, and things you aren't using are merely pieces of junk that clutter your life.
Sometimes, you have to let things go ... and give yourself permission to live again.

The Power of Love

Okay, so if you're afraid of cheesie blogs, don't read this one. If, like me, there's a hidden romantic hidden in that heart of yours ... read on.
I am single. Lately, it seems that there's a stigma attached to that word. People have started to look at me funny when I say it. Almost as if they're asking themselves the silent question, what's wrong with her that she's not married yet? There's more to being single than having to check that box on all those stupid government / survey forms. Being single means being the odd one out at the movies-the one stuck in the middle of all the couples who want their space. Being single means not having a partner to sit on the ferris wheel with. Being single means that I'm on a journey, still searching.
It's difficult not to get a complex when dating. After you go through a certain number of dates you don't care for, you start to believe that it's just not out there; you're never going to find someone who makes your heart beat faster, takes the time to get to know you and who loves you for who you are. It's difficult not to believe that there's something wrong with you; you start to feel you're broken. Your friends tell you that you're too picky; you should stay with the person you have.
When I was with S, I spent years of my life almost satisfied. I had convinced myself that he was the best thing that was ever going to happen to me. And yet, I would often find my mind wandering to the idea of someone else-someone a little more romantic, a little more loving, a little ... different. When I first started spending time with J, I had hoped he'd convince me that staying with S was the right thing to do. Only, he had no idea the impact he would have on me.
Up until then, I was sure that I was the one making a mistake-it was my fault for keeping that part of myself hidden. For he had never truly understood me or taken the time to truly get to know and love me. I considered the idea that love was impossible. And then J changed my mind.
From our first meetings, we were just friends. There was no false hope or sentimental ideals in our getting together. We were simply two people and he was trying to help me make sense of my confused heart. But it wasn't so much what he said that turned my heart ... it was the little things that he did that turned the world I had known-upside down. He'd make me tea after a long evening at school, and it would be hot and ready for me when I got there.
It was the fact that he knew in his heart that such a little thing would be so welcome to me that impressed me. He didn't have to brag about himself or sell himself to me. He'd make me lunch for my next day, and without saying a word, would hand it to me on my way out the door.
"What's this?" I would ask. "I made you lunch." He'd say quietly, handing me a brown bag bulging with unknown items. He didn't brag about it or make a big deal. It was just something that he did because he had thought about me enough to do it.When he saw how stressed I was about things, he'd offer to talk to me or would make silly jokes to calm me down. He'd spend hours sitting with me, just to make me feel better.
Those little insignificant things made me realize that love was possible. Real love, the kind that lasts forever. It wasn't about what kind of car he drove or how much money he made. I loved him for who he was.
I loved his silly collection of Japanese swords and trinkets, his knowledge of computers, and the gentle way that he looked after me. Once, when we came back to the house that S and I shared, he saw it was in disarray. I had become disheartened and stopped doing the cleaning. Without my work, S hadn't done a thing. J was dressed up; he had come from work. He rolled up his sleeves, grabbed a washcloth, and helped me clean the entire house. He didn't ask for a thing in return. He simply marveled at the fact that S had not lifted a finger to help me. His act of complete kindness has never left my heart. Years later, I still look back upon those times and remember how easy it was to fall in love with him.
Lately, I have found myself discouraged with dating. Kindness in the way that J was seems to be a lost art, destined only for those lucky individuals who have managed to find love. But just as I am about to give up, I see love before me.
A friend of mine was married yesterday. I felt terrible before the wedding, and was determined not to go. My stomach felt sick, my head felt like a thousand horses trampling me, and yet I somehow pulled myself out of bed, grabbed an old dress, and made my way to her wedding. There, right before my eyes, I saw love again. Not fake, superficial love, but real love. I have gotten enormously good at reading lips for some reason. This comes to a point here in a second as I compose my thoughts ... I got to see everyone start to walk down the isle. Suddenly the triumphant sound of a wedding march started and I saw Sarah, a giant grin on her face, make her way down the isle. When she saw me, the single girl at the end of the isle, she smiled even wider. She proudly stepped forward and took her place next to her groom. At some point, as they stood before the pastor, he looked at her, took his hand in hers, and I could see his lips ask her, "Are you ready?" Such simple words, with such an incredible impact on me. It was as if there was no one else in the world there but two people who had eyes only for one another.
That, my friends, is true love. A simple act of putting the other person's happiness and well-being before your own or thinking of them in such a way as to care about them.
Unfortunately, I was originally going to go with someone. But I felt bad and didn't want him to have to drive so far at the last minute. But the truth of it all is, I think I was meant to go alone. Had I not gone alone, I would not have been able to listen as I did and my heart stilled by watching something so magical happen. I would have been too worried about my own thoughts or feelings to really listen to the sound of love.
Sometimes, when I watch a good movie or I see a wedding as powerful as this one was, I am reminded in the power of real love-and of the idea that in its true form, love is a most glorious, powerful thing. It doesn't matter how old you are, how young, how fat, how thin, how weak, or how strong. It doesn't matter what your friends say or what they don't say. All that matters is the fact that you have the admiration and adulation of that other person. God blesses such things.
I still see people who have the gift I am talking about. A certain someone made an impression on me a long time ago and I don't think I will ever forget it. It was such a simple act of kindness, that I know he will never know how much I appreciate him-even if he will never know I exist.
Some months back, a ... I guess I'll call him a friend, because if I say "co-worker" everyone will figure out who I'm talking about. A friend of mine was talking to me, and has always been very aloof but professional. There's nothing that could draw us together as we get very few opportunities to touch on personal subjects. There doesn't seem to be a place for that in our line of work. But sometimes I wish ...
Anyways, as we talked about one of my "clients" he said, "How does he treat you? Does he treat you okay?" in the way a big brother might ask his little sister. "He treats me all right." I think I managed to answer. I was simply taken aback by his question. It was the first time in a long time, that someone had asked about my well being. This went beyond the superficiality of everyday conversations or fake "how are yous?". This was about how I was being treated. Looking back, I wonder what he would have said if I had told him that he treated me poorly. Would he have defended me or done something to change how I was treated? That one question made a huge impact on me, and I don't think this person will ever have a clue that one question could make such a difference in my life. This person has since continued to amaze me in small ways. Though he will probably never realize that I exist, for reasons I have not yet articulated, he has managed to also make me remember what it is I am looking for in another person. Something so simple and yet so difficult to find.
The other thing is, a person so wonderful as this is often sought by others who might not be able to articulate their worth but find them valuable all the same. Often, those people are more beautiful than myself. It's a small chance to find someone such as this and actually have them like you as much as you do them. That is what makes love such a magical thing-so that when you do find it, you hold on to it, and don't let it go.
I believe that real love is possible. The kind that hopefully lasts longer than a couple of years when the feeling of "newness" wears off. The kind that makes your heart go pitter-patter and your feeling of love grow. People have often said that when you find the right person, you just know that it's right and I believe them. Love is possible. You just have to find someone who is ready for the magic to happen ...
I often pray that God gives me the strength to continue this journey I am on. I pray that he will help me find the right person so that I may be even happier in my life. Seeing others find love, including witnessing that miracle at my friend's wedding last night, is almost enough to keep me going. It's almost enough to remind me that love is worth waiting for. It's almost enough to know that I found love one time in my life, and it's almost enough to know that great things are possible. If only my heart could convince me that almost was good enough ... For I will never completely be satisfied with that.
To all of you still on that journey, I applaud you. I applaud your courage in waiting for the right person, and in not settling for just anyone who comes along. Good things come to those who wait, or so it is said, and I hope that you find the person who loves you and makes you happy. So when you find that person who treats you questionably, or makes you wonder what their motives are, who moves too fast, who moves too slow, who puts you down but claims they love you, remember that you deserve better. You deserve to go out on dates and have a good time. You deserve to be caught up in the passion of romance, even by someone who's not romantic. You deserve to be loved for all your flaws and strange quirks. You deserve to have someone amazing.
You deserve real love. You deserve to be happy, even if it is for a fleeting moment in time. Wait for it ... wait for it to scoop you up and show you its passion. Wait for it to make a believer out of you ... and to show you, even for a moment, that any dream in this life is possible.

What I Want!

Everyone has been asking me this question lately. So I thought I would take a moment out and put this to rest once and for all. Yes, I am still single ... still searching for that person who is going to add something wonderful to my life.

I am happy being alone. I don't need someone to make my life complete. My life is complete. However, there are so many things I would like to share with someone, so many things I could offer and bring to a relationship.

It seems like there are so many things that you can't do alone... or you can do them alone, but the experience just isn't the same. Like going to the movies. Sure, you can sit in the air conditioned room all by yourself, but it's much more fun when shared with another person. That's how I feel about life and relationships. It's okay by itself, but it's so much more enjoyable with someone else.

With that in mind ... here's an estimate of what I want. No one is going to fit in a little box of my expectations. That's why you won't see me talking about looks or any of that. I don't care what you look like. I care who you are. When we die ... no one is going to care what you look like. All you are going to leave behind is the memory of the person you were and the legacy of the things you did.

So here we go: I want someone who can make me laugh. Someone who will laugh at my silly jokes and someone with a good sense of humor. I don't mean someone who likes to make fun of other people. I don't find that kind of humor funny. It's different if you point out absurdities in people in general, but I don't like putting down people. It's not fun.

I want someone who is nice to me, who acts like a gentleman. They open doors because they want to, because it's in their nature, not because they know it will score points with me.
It would be nice to have someone who takes care of me the way I take care of them. If they've had a long day, I have been known to whip up a great dinner and finish it with a day of pampering him. I would love the same in return.

I would love to find someone who understands me, who I could talk to, who takes the time out to get to know the things I like and what I'm interested in. I'd appreciate the person who could help me work out problems I have without passing judgement or telling me how many ways I did it wrong. I want someone who's solution-oriented and not blame-oriented.

I want someone with confidence --someone who knows what they want and isn't afraid to go after it. Someone who is happy with themselves but always striving to be a better person. Someone who isn't afraid to tell you they're sorry or that they've made a mistake.

I want someone who doesn't give in to everything I want, and someone who has an opinion of their own. It is so refreshing to meet a guy on a date who already knows where he plans to take you. I can find something to eat at any restaurant-just pick a place, and let's check it out together.

I want someone who is kind to others and who is kind to me. I don't want someone who puts me down-even if we are disagreeing with each other. I want to know I can tell him anything and he will still love and respect me.

I want someone who likes animals-especially dogs. I want someone who isn't afraid to do a little cleaning once in a while and knows how to clean up after himself.

I want someone who's honest, who can tell me the truth, and someone who is loyal. Trust is important. I need someone as commited to me as I will be to them. I don't ever want to have to question my faith or my trust in the other person.

I'd really like to have someone I could talk to about things; someone who is interesting, who actually knows what's going on in the world or has something to say. It's always amazing to me when I meet someone who's intelliegent and pays attention to issues and likes to talk about them, or even someone who likes to ponder "what ifs".

Finally, I need someone who isn't stupidly superficial. We're all superficial to a point. Someone down to earth, easy to talk to, who knows that there is more to life than "things" and "money."
I'm sure I have more stuff... but that's all I'll say for now. Perhaps I'll add more to it as I think about it.

Meanwhile, I figure it's only fair to tell you what I have to offer. I mean, life is short, right? Sometimes we don't give each other the opportunities we need to show each other how great we are.

So here goes: I'm the kind of girl who would drive 100 miles to bring you soup if you were sick. I'm the kind of girl who would listen to you talk for hours if you were having a problem.
I'm the kind of girl that would wake up early to drive you to the airport, without complaint. I'm the kind of girl who would jump in the car with you and go on an overnight adventure to just about anywhere.
I'm the kind of girl who likes the cheesy walks on the beach and looking at sunsets. I have been known to stare up into the constellations a time or two looking for that falling star ... I am the kind of girl who loves romance and loves everything that comes along with that (yes, even sex)...
I love sweet things, but not necessarily chocolate. I love animals, but not cats. I drive a fast car, but try to stay safe all the same ... I love to laugh, love to have fun, and love to be silly a time or two.

I love kids and plan to be a great parent someday. But I don't want a "baby's daddy" or a one night stand to get one. I want someone who is as committed, caring, and ready as I am (preferrably after marriage)...

That's who I am. That's what I have to offer. That's what I'm looking for.I hope that I eventually find someone who is interested in continuing this journey with me ... and maybe we can sail together on this silly ocean we call Life.

Cheers and hugs to you all!

Rehab

Since when did it become trendy to go to rehab? It seems like everyone is doing it these days from Spears and Winehouse to Wilson. Even people I know are coming and going into rehab. There are even songs about going to rehab and it's played on the local popular radio stations at least once a day!
What bothers me the most is that it's become so commonplace that people talk about it as if it were an everyday occurrance and nothing out of the ordinary. "What have you been up to?" Answer: "I went to rehab, I blah blah blah." Worse, we are actually expected as a society to embrace it and congratulate those who go as if it is a step in a positive direction.
But since when have we become a society that looks up to, or idealizes, addictions and the necessity of going to rehab? What happened? Are people really so bored with their mundane lives that they need to be broken in order to feel alive?
How can we encourage our children, our family, our neighbors, our friends that these are bad things when it's depicted in such a way by the local media?
We scoff and laugh at people like Paris Hilton who "can't make it" in jail, but we forget the point: she went to jail for breaking the law! And by focusing on her as much as we do, we are sending a message that lets everyone know that negative behavior will get you more attention. Drinking will get you attention, but drinking in excess will get you more. Breaking the law will get you attention, but breaking the law and making a scene will give you more.
It's strange to think that instead of focusing on the problem, we actually encourage it. Suddenly, it's the new thing, like the pair of sunglasses that "everyone is getting."
Now just to clarify, I am not desparaging normal people who suffer from addictions and use rehab to their benefit. I am merely noting that suddenly, people going to "rehab" has suddenly become like an epidemic and is getting out of control.
Maybe we should focus on showing more of how dangerous addictions are to the public, rather than idealizing a life in excess. Maybe then, we won't appear hypocritical to our children because we will lead by example and won't just do what's "trendy" but we'll actually do what's right.