Greener Grass

So you’ve probably heard that old familiar saying, "the grass is always greener on the other side [of the fence]." That adage implies that everything always looks better from a different perspective-until you get there, and you realize that the grass looks just the same as everyone else’s-including yours.
But sometimes the grass really is greener on the other side. Let’s take a look at a few things.
When the first flat panel t.v.’s / computer monitors came out and were super mega expensive, I couldn’t help but wonder what it might be like to have the thin versatility of the flatscreen and the idea of an uncluttered workspace was especially appealing. But still, my old, bulky, enormously ugly CRT monitor (cathode ray tube) still was functionable. Supposedly the picture was better anyways. But as the time went by, I kept thinking about that flat panel monitor until, one day, I bought one. Let me tell you, it was everything I hoped for in a monitor (well, for the most part) so I was not disappointed (Thank You Samsung!).
In another case, a friend of mine recently confided in me that he was hoping to get a new job-one that expanded his knowledge and that gave him an opportunity to grow within the company-something his current company didn’t offer. He was at yet anoter dead-end job where the pay was absolutely outstanding. Looking for a new job meant the possibility of taking a pay cut, not liking it as much, and the possibility of failure. He kept wondering if the grass was greener on the other side. He loved his co-workers (he’d been working there for five years or so) and loved what he did. But yet there was still that idea in the back of his head eating away at him ... Finally, he took a breath, put out his resume, and got a new job. This job is so much better than his last job. He told me he hadn’t even realized how crappy his old job really was until he got his new one. So this is a perfect example of times when something you don’t have is in fact better than what you do ...
Finally, there are relationships. When I was in my 7 year relationship (wow, I still can’t believe we were together that long), we got along really really well for the most part. We argued at times, like any other couple. But for the most part, we actually had a paretty calm relationship. But in the back of my head, I longed for something more, something different. We had no major commonalities and the more I grew up (I was, after all, very young) the lack of similarities between us started out as a small tributary and grew into a great gulf that separated us. But still, I kept on with the relationship. But every time I had a connection with someone else, a spark of that something I was missing in my relationship, I wondered. I wondered if it really was greener on the other side of the fence. I questioned whether or not the things I wanted were really possible.
After a time, I made up my mind that I needed to find out. So I broke up with him. I would be lying if I said he wasn’t devastated and I truly from the bottom of my heart, regret the callous way I handled everything. I had emotionally disconnected from the relationship a month or two before it was actually over. He probably deserved more of an explanation. But if you were to hear the terms of it all, you might actually say he didn’t. Who knows.
The point is, I wanted to see if the grass was really greener--and in a way, it really was.
Sometimes when we see people in relationships that we don’t understand, it’s easy to point fingers and make snap judgements about what they should do with their lives. We want them to see the possiblity that there is more to life out there than who they’re with. But the reality is, they’re probably thinking through the same things in their mind and wondering to themselves "is the grass really greener on the other side?"
The truth of it all is, I’ve somehow convinced myself that the grass really is greener on my side. Maybe I’m wrong ... I see how people get in relationships, and I’m shocked. I see how people treat one another and I’m apalled. I want to enjoy someone’s company without changing who they are, I want to have an intelligent conversation about random things, I want to be a part of someone’s life and have them be a part of mine. I want them to think to themselves how lucky they are to have me and visa versa. I never want them to regret being in a relationship with me. It’s that simple.
I don’t know what the future holds; I don’t know if I will ever find someone in this lifetime. But that’s okay ... I know I’m not perfect; I know I make stupid mistakes; I know I’m still growing as a person. But I definitely think that I’m worthy of something and someone great. But I just have to be given that chance ... So this might be yet another one of those times when the grass really is greener on the other side.
As far as relationships, I’m sure we’ve all been in those situations and with those people who we are pretty sure are not the IT person. They are the person who tides us over until our real person comes along. But what I’ve noticed is that so many people get trapped by the "stand in" person because they end up getting pregant (sometimes on purpose-don’t even get me started), they have such low self-esteem they are afraid to move on, they feel something is better than nothing, or they just don’t know what they want. They get trapped and then life gets in the way. Suddenly everything has become more complicated. They end up settling and find themselves unhappy.
The truth is, even though people criticize me for taking such a long time to find someone (or criticize me for having standards), I would rather be here, soaking up moderate happiness, than stuck wallowing in a slow death of loneliness or unhappiness. Sometimes it’s worth coming over to the other side because the grass just might give you a place of peace.
I admit though, it does get lonely over here in my patch of personal garden. But when the time is right, everything will work itself out and I won’t have to wonder if the grass is greener elsewhere anymore-because I’ll have already been to the other side to find out.

Ways to Reach Out

I keep putting off the subject of trust, I realize, but it’s really a long blog that I must save for when I have time. Oh my goodness. I totally want to talk about flirting... well, okay, not flirting per say so much as who to do when you’re being flirted with and how to interpret it..
I suck at flirting. Somehow the words that come out of my mouth end up sounding pathetic and ... dumb rather than enchanting and sexy. Go figure. I will probably never have my mother’s seemingly innate ability to seduce any guy at any time. Seriously. Even at her age ... but anyways ...
So instead of calling it flirting, I’m going to call it "Ways to Reach Out" to someone, because let’s face it, we reach out to people all the time. But it’s knowing what to look for when someone reaches out. Perhaps if you reach back, meet them halfway, you might just make a new friend or find a good relationship partner.
A guy friend of mine (you know who you are) keeps asking how to tell when a girl likes him. Even though we all know that when a girl likes you, she’ll make it pretty obvious ... even shy girls have their limits. His point, which is a good one, is what to do as a pre-cursor to flirting so you know your presence would be a welcome one? So, I thought I’d compile a list of some stuff to do to reach out and see what the response is. If the response is positive to at least half the things on the list, then I’m pretty sure the other person likes you. If it’s not, then they probably don’t.
If a guy calls you, he’s reaching out. If a girl calls you, same thing. Whether it’s just to ask you a lame question or to talk to you about the last Laker game, it’s reaching out. (Keep in mind, this doesn’t apply necessarily in work situations. Just so we’re clear).
Anytime the other person asks you questions about yourself, they are reaching out. So then what are you going to do about it? If you like the person, reach back. Oh, and you might disagree with my idea of a positive / negative response, so keep in mind it’s just my opinion ... not fact.
If you like someone, ways to reach out are:
1) Ask them questions about themselves (i.e. what do they do for fun?)Positive Response: an answer. They tell you about the skiing trip they went on last year, the fishing trip they took to wherever, etc. SUPER Positive Response: They ask questions about YOU.Negative response: No answer, or the brush off. I had someone tell me once, "I don’t really do anything for fun." Not exactly a positive response.SUPER Negative Response: Not only do they not answer your question but don’t even bother to ask anything about you. Maybe they change the subject or don’t even answer ...
2) Call them for any reason. Maybe you have a question or want to know something or ... whatever.Positive Response: They sound eager to talk to you and your conversation seems positive and upbeat. Or they return your phone call within a couple of days if you’re unable to reach them.SUPER Positive Response: They tell you they are happy to talk to you or it was really nice talking with you (that implies you should call again or perhaps they will). They also return your phone calls right away. Negative response: They tell you they are really busy at the moment (why did they answer the phone then? That’s why they have voicemail ...) and will have to call you back. But they don’t.SUPER Negative Response: Every time you call, they don’t answer the phone.
3) Ask them out to coffee / dinner / movie, whatever.
Positive Response: They say yes. You set a time and make a plan. You mutually agree on a place to go.SUPER Positive Response: They say yes, you set a time and make a plan, and after your evening (or whatever) they tell you they’d like to see you again. They tell you they are willing to go anywhere (so long as they’re with you).Negative response: They say yes, then blow you off or they say no. They offer some half-hearted explanation. They say something along the lines of, "Maybe" or "I’ll get back to you." And you can’t seem to agree on a plan.SUPER Negative Response: They say no and offer no explanation or they say no and come up with a million reasons they didn’t say yes. Worse, they seem uncomfortable you even asked in the first place. Ouch. That one hurts. Also, they don’t seem to like any plan you come up with.
4) Try to talk to them (more than other people)
Positive Response: They respond with open communication: looking at you while you talk, feet pointed in your direction, there is easy communication.
SUPER Positive Response:All of the above and they return your smile and look into your eyes while talking.
Negative response: Closed body language: Frequent shifting in position while talking to you, yawning, torso pointed away from you, no eye contact while talking, no smile.SUPER Negative Response: All of the above and they interrupt you in the middle of something you’re saying, don’t look at you, frequently check their watch or tap their feet / hands.
5) Smile at them more often (this is a toughie for some people. I don’t mean a fake grin either.)Positive Response: They acknowledge you and smile back.SUPER Positive Response: They acknowledge you, smile back, and stare into your eyes.
Negative response: They just look at you awkwardly, no smile.
SUPER Negative Response: They look away or walk away.
(I should mention that some super shy people have the tendency to look away or down when people smile at them—just food for thought)
6) Touch them gently on the arm, shoulder, hand when you’re talking to them (oh, it’s said that if you do this without thinking about it it’s a sign you’re a genuine, trustworthy person).
Positive Response: They don’t shrink away, they smile.SUPER Positive Response: They don’t shrink away, they smile, and they touch you back, they’ll reciprocate. They will maintain closer body proximity.
Negative response: They shrink away, no smile, no reciprocation.SUPER Negative Response: They put greater distance between the two of you. You won’t be able to maintain close body contact.
7) Do nice or thoughtful things for them.Positive Response: They thank you and return the kindness.SUPER Positive Response: They give you a card or gift back, they offer to help in the future.Negative response: They don’t respond. They don’t return the kindness. They don’t thank you or appear to appreciate the act or possibly even notice.SUPER Negative Response: They seem embarrassed or uncomfortable, they get nervous about it, they tell you not to do anything for them again in the future.
8) Details about You—You mention tiny details about your everyday life: perhaps it’s your favorite color or something you’re interested in.Positive Response: They remember little details you’ve mentioned. They give you compliments. They seem to want to get to know you.SUPER Positive Response: They remember details and mention that they’ve remembered.
Negative response: Silence. They ask you the same questions over and over again.SUPER Negative Response: They appear annoyed by the little details or seem bored when you talk about your life. Their interaction with you feels more like an interrogation rather than a conversation.
9) Making Yourself Available—You give your personal details such as cell phone number, e-mail, etc.Positive Response: They give you their cell phone number.SUPER Positive Response: They give you their cell phone number, fax number, e-mail, and every other detail you can imagine.
Negative response: They don’t give out their information readily, or you have to ask more than once.SUPER Negative Response: They give you the wrong number, a bad number, or refuse to give you their number. Or they just don’t answer when you ask as if pretending not to hear you.
10) Spending time with them-how do they react by spending time with you?
Positive Response: They take the time to get to know you; they respect you.SUPER Positive Response: They respect you, take time to get to know you, and seem to do things because they want to impress you. Negative response: They don’t seem to want to spend time with you.
SUPER Negative Response: They won’t make time to see you. They are always "super busy" or "working" and can’t you a clear answer of when they’re available.
So there you go. Make out your list. +1 point for Positives, +2 for Super Positives. -1 point for Negatives, -2 points for Super Negatives. And if it doesn’t apply, it’s a 0 score. Okay, so this totally seems like easy common sense ... but sometimes I’m not so sure. These are just some of the things I sort of have in the back of my head when I try to reach out to other people or when I am trying to decide if people are reaching out to me. Maybe it’s accurate, maybe it’s not. Who knows.
In the end, if someone really likes you, I think you’ll know. And if they just want to stick you in the "Friends Zone" you’ll figure it out eventually. Good luck