Friendship On Fire

So what does it feel like when you're in love? How can you possibly put to words a feeling that comes from your heart?

This is for my friend--he knows who he is--who struggles, like many of us do, to find our place, where we belong, and to determine whether or not real love is even possible. Do we settle for what's comfortable, safe? Or do we take a risk, put ourselves out there, risk getting hurt, for the chance at love?

What does being in love even feel like? Is it worth it?

My best way to describe truly being in love is ... better to talk about how it happened... and how it made me feel.

I didn't want to fall in love; I wasn't expecting to fall in love--it just sort of hit me one day. I worked full time and went to college full time--and at the end of the day, I was completely exhausted. The only thing I could think of was getting something to eat and going to bed. I checked my voicemail in between classes-he had left me a message telling me to come to his place after I was done with school. I show up at his house, exhausted beyond belief, and he's got a cup of hot chocolate and a sandwich waiting for me. "How was your day?" he asks me.

Who would have thought that, in that moment, NOTHING in the world could not take the place of the warmest gesture of that darn sandwhich and a stupid cup of hot chocolate... and his simple kindness in asking me about my day...

One day, I woke up to find him kissing me lightly on the cheek---just because he saw me sleeping (I worked graveyard) and felt like he wanted to. He didn't even know it woke me.

Another day, I woke up and I noticed that he was ironing like crazy. "What are you doing?" I asked in bewilderment. "Ironing." He grinned at me with the sort of mischievous grin that just makes you sort of smile, and I noticed that he's ironing MY clothes. "I'm almost done!" he said proudly... Done? Done with what? While I was asleep, he knew how busy I was, so he had taken my ENTIRE closet and ironed all of my clothes... he was hoping to do it before I woke up.

Being in love is like ... spending 5 hours with someone and it feels like minutes. You can do the most MUNDANE errands, and it's exciting. We had fun doing the silliest things--Costco trips became fun--our weekly trips to Home Depot became another chance to talk about our plans for our "future house."

Everything you do with them is exciting. Laying in their arms feels like euphoria. The world suddenly begins to make sense again, it has purpose, your life has meaning.

I would give my whole world to have that again. To find someone who knows how to love me without being told. They speak to your heart ... in ways that you don't quite understand. They "get" you and understand you. You can talk about ANYTHING and it's okay ... you can tell them the truth and they don't judge you.

Love isn't just about the actions, it's the feelings you get from being around them. It's how they make you feel about yourself. That seems to be the secret. Oh and what's funny is, you find yourself doing things you'd never normally d0--you WANT to do things for them, little things, just to make them happy, just to see them smile.

In the end, it's difficult to describe that feeling--but you know--oh you always know--when you don't have it--and you can see that feeling when others do.

As I've talked to many of my friends, real LOVE, is like a "Friendship On Fire" (the theme of a friend's wedding)... It's friendship transcended, friendship divine--and is it worth waiting for? Is it worth taking risks for?

There's always the possibility of being alone, of being rejected, of hurting yourself and others. But what if you realized how SHORT life really is and you didn't waste another moment with someone who will never understand who you really are? When we die, all we leave behind, are memories of ourselves and the legacy of ourselves. Who will remember your legacy? Who do you want to share yourself with? Who will remember you?

Life is short, you've heard it said a thousand times. Only you can decide if love is worth taking that risk for--you may end up alone, but maybe, just maybe, if you open up your heart, you just might find what you're looking for--and find yourself in the process.

Tomorrow, perhaps, I'll talk more about this subject of finding yourself. How do you do it? Where do you start? :P I've covered this before, but perhaps it needs a revisit. What are your thoughts?

Modern Day Miracles--Are They Possible?

I do not know how long my internet will last (I am "sharing" with a neighbor) but I wanted to take a moment to write down a couple of things that happened in the process of this move that ... I don't know, shocked me. If there was a message to be told, I think it came across loud and clear.
A few roommates ago (one of the "bad ones") I remember we discussed the idea of God. I am constantly struggling with the strength of my faith. I have beliefs that are constantly tested and challenged by the day to day of real life and the painfulness of reality.
I remember my roommate said something thar really stuck with me. He said he didn't believe in God because he'd never witnessed a miracle. It was the tone in his voice that caught my attention. It wasn't the sort of smug self-important tone he usually had, but one of genuine longing and disappointment. I got the distinct feeling that perhaps he might change his mind if ever he had the chance to see a true miracle.But what is a miracle? Is it as the Bible would have you believe, those who can't see suddenly regain their sight? A person who cannot stand or walk can suddenly dance out of their chair, forever healed by the power of God? Or are miracles something that, if you look closely enough, you see every day?
It's difficult for me to think that we are somehow all connected or that everything means something. It's difficult because I don't understand why in all the universe, I have yet to find someone who is willing to go the distance with me, someone who wants real love and a lifetime to explore it in. It's difficult for me to imagine that all those times I was beaten as a child, and lay awake in fear and silent resentment, that there was a bigger purpose for it all, a deeper meaning that only God himself understands or plans for us.
What if we do witness miracles every day but don't notice them when they happen? What if we were cognicent, even for just a moment, of the bigger picture?
I say all this not to confuse the issue or pontificate on the idea of God's bigger plan or even to be so bold as to say that I myself understand the purposes we serve here on this planet. But I do know, that for some reason, I have been allowed to see a few things lately that gladden my soul.
After leasing my apartment, I had to get renter's insurance-yet another hidden cost to renting I'd forgotten all about. I'd never gotten insurance before and didn't know the first thing about it. I said a few quick prayers and made my way to the local AAA office to inquire about it.
It wasn't a busy day and I went in the middle of the week. I sat on a chair and waited, almost as if one would wait for an interview, until I was greeted by the agent who was planning to sell me the insurance.
I was expecting the usual sales pitch and customary attempt to sell me more than I needed. I hoped that I could wade through the BS and walk away with the cheapest plan possible. But in the end, I got more than I bargained for ...
Long story short, at some point, as is usual, he had to ask me what I did for a living. We started talking about my job and I hadn't even gotten to the part where I was going to tell him that I worked with juveniles. But we fell into this sort of easy conversation that I felt was necessary on a level I didn't understand. My feeling of this was confirmed a few minutes later when, after a few questions from me, he told me that he and his wife had considered becoming foster parents but weren't sure they should do it. Having come from a similar background, I found the voice inside of me rise up and tell him that not every foster care comes out of the system broken. Some of us make something of ourselves. I encouraged him that it was a good thing to do ... and at the end of our conversation, he only sold me the insurance I needed, and told me the complete truth about what I needed and what I didn't. In exchange, I think I managed to encourage him that being a foster parent was a rewarding experience and it is my belief that he and his wife would make wonderful surrogate parents to those unfortunate enough to find themselves in less than ideal houses where abuse and mental illness can sometimes capsize a family.
As I left the building, I was overcome with a sense of pride and joy. For the first time in a really long time, I felt as though I had done a truly good deed. It was as if I was supposed to be there that day to answer his questions and alieve his fears ...
Could that not be called a miracle? The child he takes in and saves today is the person who saves your life tomorrow. The heart that's rescued at its most vulnerable moment is the soul that breathes love into relationships in the future.
But that is not the only miracle that I have may had inadvertently been a part of.
It also has to do with leasing this apartment itself and the guy who showed it to me. He showed me the apartment and, I don't know how to explain this but, there was a sort of energy between us (not a romantic one---I later found out he had a girlfriend anyway) but a sort of energy that tells me that something else is yet to come. It's as if we have known each other before, without a formal introduction. I found myself asking him questions I would never have the couarage to ask someone, let alone someone I just barely met-questions about his life and how he came to be living in California. I should mention that I detected his slight accent and somehow we just fell into easy conversation.
Anyways, after I leased my place, part of the requirements was for me to tell him what I did for a living. I didn't actually write it down, but rather faxed over my pay stubs as was required.
When I came in to see him, to sign the paperwork, there was a knowing gleam in his eye. "I really want to talk to you." he said to me. Well, it turns out that he has wanted to get a job like mine for years. He has wanted to make a diffierence in people's lives and has never had anyone tell him how to do it or encourage him to go for it. He got stuck in the leasing business because he feels he's a good salesman, but something else has been tugging at his heart ...
We are supposed to go to coffee on Friday and I find myself so excited. Rarely do you get the opportunity to tell someone (knock on wood) what a great job you have and how much it means to you to be a part of something bigger than yourself.
Even if we don't end up meeting, it's as if a giant seed was planted there in his heart-a seed that has encouraged him to grow and perhaps seek out that job where he is helping people. Perhaps it will be where I work, and perhaps it will be somewhere else. But it was like watching the sun as it lights up the darkness. It was like watching that moment when the genius discovers some universal secret they have forever been trying to grasp.
Anyways, I am not sure if these things I have witnessed count as miracles. Perhaps they are nothing more than my being in the right place at the right time. But seeds have been sown and thoughts taking root within open hearts and that is something that will have a positive impact on another human being for years to come.
It was almost as if I was supposed to move so that I could run into these people so I could help plant these seeds so that they could go on to fulfill whatever plan God has for them. Wow. I don't know if it's even as grandiose as that, or even if it's as meaningful as I seem to make it. I don't know if that was part of God's master plan or I don't even know ...
All I know is that, if you asked me, I would tell you that miracles are possible. We just have to open our hearts to their endless posibilities and wait for that magical moment when they appear and change not just someone else's life, but our own lives as well.
I don't know what the master plan is and I do admit I continue to struggle with faith and loneliness and a million other things ... but these miracles, even in their smallest measure, convince me that there has to be something out there in the cosmos even if we don't always see it for ourselves.
Perhaps we don't just walk the path to witness a miracle, perhaps in many ways, we are the miracle.

To Thine Own Self Be True

I've noticed a trend lately in the things I've been writing. When I first started this blog, I just wanted to put random thoughts down on paper ... the funny thing is, I keep a journal, write a blog, and work on my novel all at the same time. Somehow, the original idea of what this blog was meant to be has gotten lost over the last two years and has, instead, focused a lot more on relationships / love. This has a lot to do with the fact that of all the things I write, the ones that get the most feedback always happens to be ones I write about relationships, love, trust, whatever. People write to me from all over the US (don't ask me how they found my blog-but whatever) and strike up a conversation with me.
Usually, I end up hearing their tale-whatever it may be-and it sparks within me inspiration for my next blog topic.
Recently, a friend asked me to write about unrequited love, and the topic is an especially difficult one for me to talk about-for many reasons. My point in telling you the fact that the meaning of my "blog" has somehow gotten lost over the past two years is not because I regret that-going off the "path" is sometimes an integral part of anyone's journey. However, what is especially interesting is that, my heart started out in the right place when I set out to write these blogs. I wanted a place I could just "let it all out" and there was (at least in the beginning) a sense of anonymity, where I could write with reckless abandon and my heart wasn't really too invested in the idea of adding "friends" to my pages-so I didn't have to worry about hurting anyone.
What's ironic about the topic my friend asked me to write about is that unrequited love is a circumstance that, I feel, starts out much the same way as I started out with this blog.
Unrequited love, quite simply put is love that is not returned to the other individual. But I dislike using the word "requited" because it is, essentially, another way to say "returned." So, for the purposes of this blog, unreturned love has to start somewhere.
It usually starts in the heart of one person who is interested in another person for whatever reason. Now, before I continue, I would like to differentiate between scary unreturned love and normal unreturned love (is there such a thing?) … Anyways, I am purposely excluding those individuals who take unreturned love to levels that includes (but is not limited to) stalking, violence, and extreme vindictive behavior.
So it starts with interest. But what defines interest? Some would argue that "interest" is little more than chemicals in the brain that cause us to be attracted to another individual. It is those little chemical signals given off by the brain that cause us to seek out certain people and not others. Personally, I think it is a combination of many things.
The truth is, I can't explain why some people are attracted to other people for no inexplicable reason. I can't explain what causes someone who promised they loved you one minute, only to ignore you the next. I can't explain why someone would talk about marriage in one breath only to complete stop talking to you the next.
There are some things in life that just don't make sense, no matter how much we want them to. We want to find a way of explaining things to soothe our hearts when we feel lost and alone. It's so hard to find someone we connect with (because it's so rare these days) only to discover that they have no interest in you or don't return the level of interest you have in them.
The only explanation that I can offer in circumstances like these is one. Perhaps this explanation will not soothe your heart (you know who you are) and perhaps it can't fix what's already been broken. But the truth always wants to be found, and perhaps this idea is something to consider …
I think what happens is that when we begin to like someone, for whatever reason, we begin to idealize them-place them up on a pedestal where they are impervious to being human. What I mean is, we have somehow made them god-like in our minds without realizing it. Until we can take off those rose-colored glasses, we can't truly see the person in front of us. We want to believe the best in them-so we give them the benefit of the doubt even to our detriment.
I have myself done this a thousand times. When I'm interested in someone, I forget about all the bad habits I see them displaying because I'm so busy picturing how wonderful they are in my head. Don't think I'm crazy; I'm sure that other people do this too. You know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. In the beginning, we want to believe that they like us back-so our heart fills in all of the little questions we ask ourselves about their character, their judgements, and their personality.
So when they ditch us after promising us the world, we can't figure out why and we're left hanging only to ask ourselves, "what happened?"
Worse, there's a feeling of loss that often accompanies these feelings because we feel as though we are losing something special, something that meant something to us. What becomes readily apparent is that these feelings that we had are clearly not shared by the other person because otherwise, they wouldn't treat us that way. At least, that's what we tell ourselves anyway.
I think the main reason I fell in love with J (and really felt he fell in love with me) is because when we first met, there was no need to think about each other in an idealistic way. We accepted each other because we were both taken at the time. Yet years later, when I sought his advice, I noticed something that I think is key …
When two people fall in love, they go through the same "rose colored glasses" stage. They idealize each other and then, when the feeling wears off, realize that they still love one another. But what happens when they idealize one another, it wears off, and they realize that it's not a good fit? Someone is bound to get hurt …
It just sucks when that person getting hurt turns out to be you. It sucks to have invested your heart and your time and your whatever into a person that will never return how you feel.
This has also happened to me a time or two; I think it happens to all of us. Everyone gets their heart trampled on, stepped on, and sometimes broken. No one is exempt to getting hurt unless they never open their heart up in the first place.
But if you don't open your heart, you'll never be willing to let someone wonderful, faithful, reliable, honest, etc. inside. But at the same time, if you just openly give your heart to each person who promises you the world, you'll run the risk of getting cut open like a fish fillet.
So what is the ultimate answer? I don't know … I do know that you deserve to be loved. You deserve to have someone who appreciates you and knows what they have is great. I've said this a million times, I know, but you should never have to convince someone of how great you are.
Either you're great, or you're not. The right person is going to think you're great and isn't going to let you go no matter what.
One thing I've often seen is how many excuses we give other people when we don't want to date them. "I'm really busy" or "I'm not ready for a relationship" or "I don't know what I want." Etc. etc. While those things may be true, there is one thing I know to be true.
If I wanted my favorite ice cream, and I knew I wanted it, and I knew it wasn't in the freezer, I would go and get it. I probably wouldn't let the cost hold me back, or how much time it took me to get to the store to get it. I certainly wouldn't be (too) annoyed to stand in line and wait as the cashier rang me up. Why? Because it's something that I really wanted. Put whatever it is you've really wanted into the sentence. Computer. T.V. Whatever. My point simply is that if you want something badly enough, nothing is going to stand in your way.
It's like the girl (or guy) that you perceive to be too "shy" or too whatever to ask you out on a date. I've heard one friend in particular (and yes, even myself a time or two) say over and over again how she has to ask guys out because they are too shy to approach her. But the truth of it all is this … (and the truth sometimes hurts) … if he liked you as much as you liked him, he wouldn't let anything stand in his way of asking you out.
Because real life is about finding someone wonderful to spend your time with. Real life isn't what we see on television. Real life means that you could die tomorrow. And if you died tomorrow, would you be happy with what or who you have right now? Because if not, then you'd go out and get whatever it was or whomever it was that you thought even had a possible chance of making you happy.
So that's how I feel about this. It's a tough subject because I'm personally terrible at decoding interest. It's always so much easier to give advice than to take my own …
But anyways, I just want you to know that there is someone out there who is going to love and appreciate you. You won't have to decode them or figure out what their secret word is or why they've abandoned you or why they aren't speaking to you or whatever. If you are dealing with that, my only advice is to try and let them go so you can make room in your life for someone better.
I know it's difficult to let someone you love, someone whom you've shared your dreams with, go. I know because I've been there; it took me 2 years to get over J. But in the end, perhaps instead of focusing on what you don't have with them, maybe it's time to focus on what you do have within yourself. Perhaps instead of looking at the love you are missing out on, you should spend time to know and love yourself.
A good healthy relationship starts from the inside out. When you love yourself, you can love another person. I think that Shakespeare said it best when he said, "To thine own self be true …"

Scary but Going For It Anyway ...

You know, when I was a young girl, we lived in the middle of about one hundred acres of woods and forest. Believe me, when you live in Oregon, that’s possible. At night, not only was it extremely quiet ... but you could often hear things crashing around in the forest.
It was those sounds that terrified me. Of course, I always ended up getting the chore of taking out the garbage. I would run as fast as I could across the driveway to where the garbage cans were. Then I would sift through the trash (a strange thing my mother would insist upon to ensure nothing important had been thrown away) and make my way back as quickly as possible to the house.
Things that scared and terrified me also made me eager to overcome them. A famous story (that my mother always tells at parties-so embarassing) is that when I was four, I saw the curtains moving on the door outside (due to the breeze) and I asked what made the curtains moved. "Ghosts." My brothers insisted. "They are trying to scare you." Well, while the thought scared me, I marched over to the door, opened it, and shouted, "BOO GHOST!"
If you fast forward, this approach to life actually is true just as much today as it was then. Things that terrify me only bolden my resolve to conquer them (with the exception of scary rides and death-defying stunts of madness)... even the idea of my current job scared the crap out of me, but I did it because I wanted to prove to everyone else (and especially to myself) that I could do it. I could be strong enough, tough enough, brave enough.
I did it. Six years later, I am still here ... having conquered many fears and shortomings within myself to be able to do it. But the truth is, underneath it all, I think I’m still afraid on some level.
Fear is a natural part of life. Some of us are constantly running from it, and others take the time to face our fears-we just do it a little bit more slowly than most people. We don’t run from them, but we don’t jump in either ...
I think I need to take my relationships slowly, one day at a time with someone patient, kind, and romantic. :)
Those are my thoughts.

You Are Loved

So about a year or so ago, I was going through one of my bleakest moments ever. I was driving back from a friend's house and was thinking about how completely unloved and alone I felt. It's been an incredible journey, these past 10 years here in California, and it's sometimes difficult to believe how far I've actually come.
I was reflecting on poor decisions I've made, friends I've lost touch with along the way, and thinking that if I were to die, no one would ever notice it. As I said, one of my bleaker outlook moments in life. Anyways, it was silent in my car; for once, I didn't have the blaring radio to quiet my thoughts. So as I'm thinking about this, and thinking of how hopeless I felt, I got the inexplicable feeling to turn on the radio. A station (one that I never listened to) suddenly popped into my head (I know how crazy it sounds) but it's all true. So I turned to that station and all of a sudden, a sad mellow tune from a piano caught my attention. Everyone who knows me well knows that I have always held a soft spot in my heart for anyone who can play and the hair on my arm stood up. I felt as though I NEEDED to listen to this song. And these were the first words I heard:
"Don't give up. It's just the weight of the world when your heart's heavy, I will lift it for you. Don't give up, because you want to be heard ... if silence keeps you, I will break it for you."
Even now as I write this, the hairs on my arm again stand up and I am overtaken by the powerful effect that these words had on me the first time I heard Josh Groban (didn't even know who that was, had to look it up) sing it. As if reading my thoughts in an innermost part of my heart, he continued,
"Everybody wants to be understood...well I can hear you. Everybody wants to be loved. Don't give up...because you are loved."
It sounds cheesy, but those words meant something to me. If there is a God, then he was clearly sending me a message loud and clear.
So I just wanted to offer up a little hope for all those people out there who are suffering in some way, who are lost or are hurting, or feel as I did then, that no one cared for me.
"It's just the hurt that you hide, when you're lost inside ... I'll be there to find you ... Don't give up because you want to burn bright. If darkness blinds you, I will shine to guide you ... don't give up."
I don't know the bigger plan or what lies ahead in our futures. I don't know who will fall or who will continue onward. I don't know if I'll ever find what I'm looking for or a safe place to rest and a good heart to place my trust in. But I do know that no matter how difficult things are, if we truly listen, listen to the messages we are given, we'll discover the path, the way, the light.
We all lose our way sometimes in this journey we call life. Everyone feels lost sometimes, everyone wants to give up. No matter what you are going through, don't give up. Remember: you are loved.

Difficult Steps (ie Letting Go)

Anyone who knows me knows that I am almost a contradiction of personalities at times. I am outgoing and love to laugh, but am shy when it comes to meeting new people or flirting with guys. While some people have the innate ability to shamelessly flirt with people, I sit back in the wings and wait for things or people to come to me.
It's a wonder that I ever had the success I did at meeting both S and J (you know who they are) because they pursued me and my laid-back style really worked for me. They got to have the chase they wanted, and I didn't have to come out of my shell to make a move on them.
Another thing that is difficult for me is to let go of things I've been holding onto-both physically and emotionally. Before I start to sound like a basket case who needs psychiatric help, let me explain because it's not what it sounds like.
I have pretty much lived out of a box since I was sixteen. Actually, when I was sixteen, I had nothing--I went into the care of social services without so much as even a change of clothes. The clothes they ended up getting us were too big and horrible looking. Shauna ended up losing her favorite stuffed dog, Whopper. I still think about that. She used to take it with her everywhere. But I guess he wasn't meant to accompany us on the next part of our journey.
When we finally managed to get our things, I held onto them because it was all I had. Every time we changed places, I had to pack up my stuff again and move. Everything else, everything too big to carry, and sometimes things that meant a lot to me, were left behind. At one point, Mom found out where we were staying (she was a good detective with things like that) and called us-threatening to burn all of our stuff.
So when I finally stayed at a place for a few months or more, I kept everything. Plus, with moving around so much, friendships were fleeting. I'd make a new friend, share a few memories, then move away again. Pictures we'd taken or things we'd done were lost ... and a part of me was lost with them and left behind.
I think that's part of the reason I've felt so strange having lived where I do now for so long. I think a part of me is afraid that if I let this stuff go, the memory will be lost forever. So I've kept momentos of my travels for the past 14 years. But I've reached the point in my life where ... it's time to let it all go. It's time to let go of the fears and insecurity I've had about keeping it and it's time to remember that the one thing that has always been with me this whole time is me. And I'm not going to lose that. Even if there are no pictures of family that ever adorn my walls or photographic proof of where I've been, I'll still remember and I'll still have me.
This all may sound like common sense, but most people seem to have only moved once or twice in their lives. They don't know what it's like to live out of a box every year or wonder when the next move is going to happen. But I do.
So I feel as though I've become a true adult because I've started to get rid of it all ... stuff I don't need, stuff in boxes, stuff I'll never use. I have decided that less is more. Less is more. My room right now is completely torn apart. If it doesn't have a direct purpose, it's going in the trash. I feel better already.
The second step I've made is that ... I finally let go of someone who I've loved for a long time.
You know, I always tell people not to burn bridges. You never know when you're going to need someone. So you should always treat them with respect and kindness. Always. And I have the tendency to appreciate good things and want to keep them in my life. The funny thing is, sometimes something appears to be good, but really, is actually hurting you.
So my ex boyfriend, who I was desperately in love with but broke my heart, keeps coming around. He buys things for me and ... I haven't had the heart or the will to tell him no. Worse, he has a girlfriend and a six month old baby at home.
He doesn't come around like he used to. There are no fake hugs or perfunctory niceties that you'd expect from a couple who broke up and stayed friends. He plopped himself in my office and proceeded to tell me that he knew where my new "assignment" at work was going to be. The thing is, I had been offered this assignment and hadn't made up my mind to accept it or not. It would come with a ton more responsibilities, dangers, and difficult hours. In thinking about this, I had to decide what it was going to do to me. If you know me, you know that this job already takes a difficult toll. What would happen to my soul if I were to accept the job? As cheesy as this sounds, I am at my best when I am loved and supported. It's difficult to negate stress when I come home to a lonely life. I don't know how to explain it... that's just the way it is. So if I were to accept the responsibility, that girl I know -- the old me who is still clinging on to the life of being sweet, slightly naive but kind--would be replaced by the girl who is hardened, realistic, and forever changed by the sights I've seen.
Anyways, so he tells me that he'll "put in a good word" and this and that... and the thing is--where was he when I was going through a difficult dating situation a year ago? Where was he when I had to move my stuff from his house when he cheated on me? Where was he when I struggled at my job and didn't know what to do? Where was his friendship then? And now he just acts like he can drop on by whenever he wishes and pretend that he's still my good friend. Well, I'm not a friend of convenience.
The old me, the one that still loves him, wanted to make sense of it all. Why would he be doing those things for me? For what purpose? The old me, the one who also wanted to maintain the friendship, felt --even in the smallest way--loved.
But the new me, the one who feels as though I deserve to be treated well is like, WHAT is this? What is he doing? Why try to be my friend once in a while? And why on earth does he think I still need his help or welcome his "good word" to someone else? A lot of people know what happened even though I've tried to make it not that big of a deal.
Well, what made up my mind is this: the other day, another one of my co-workers approached me and started telling me all the funny stories about him in his new life: about dealing and adjusting with the new baby he and his girlfriend have just had. And I realized something important: despite his pretense that we are still friends, I am missing out on the best part of a good friendship--the part where I get to be a part of his life too. I'm not a part of his life. I don't get to hear about the baby laughing for the first time or taking steps for the first time. I don't get to hear about how he feels about life or how he's dealing with being a new parent. All I get, is the "I'll put in a good word for you" sort of half-hearted friendship--a friendship based solely out of guilt. He feels guilty for what happened. He's told me so. He's told me "I'm trying to make things right." But the truth of it all is, he'll never make things right. I don't know, to be honest, if that's possible.
So ... gathering up my courage, I pushed away the person in my head telling me that I still wanted him around. A part of me still wants that interaction, even if it's unhealthy for me. How crazy is that?!? (don't answer). I wrote him an e-mail (I could have never done this in person) and told him that I didn't want his "help" anymore. I didn't want his friendship. I told him that given the circumstances, friendship wasn't possible. I wished him the best of luck with his new life. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and hit the SEND button.
He called me later that night--didn't leave a message. I'm lucky that I was at a friend's party or I would have been tempted to pick up the phone. I'm so glad I didn't have to hear it ring. I guess his lack of a message is clear enough: there's nothing more to be said. I'm right and he knows it. We could have wasted another two years being polite.
Anyways, it was a difficult step. It's difficult to let things and people go. But sometimes, you have to cut away the fat in your life in order to be healthier, happier, and stronger.
All I can say is that ... I feel proud because I know that I have made steps in a positive direction. I will miss my things and I will miss my "friendship" with J. But let's face it, a half-hearted friendship isn't a friendship at all, and things you aren't using are merely pieces of junk that clutter your life.
Sometimes, you have to let things go ... and give yourself permission to live again.

The Power of Love

Okay, so if you're afraid of cheesie blogs, don't read this one. If, like me, there's a hidden romantic hidden in that heart of yours ... read on.
I am single. Lately, it seems that there's a stigma attached to that word. People have started to look at me funny when I say it. Almost as if they're asking themselves the silent question, what's wrong with her that she's not married yet? There's more to being single than having to check that box on all those stupid government / survey forms. Being single means being the odd one out at the movies-the one stuck in the middle of all the couples who want their space. Being single means not having a partner to sit on the ferris wheel with. Being single means that I'm on a journey, still searching.
It's difficult not to get a complex when dating. After you go through a certain number of dates you don't care for, you start to believe that it's just not out there; you're never going to find someone who makes your heart beat faster, takes the time to get to know you and who loves you for who you are. It's difficult not to believe that there's something wrong with you; you start to feel you're broken. Your friends tell you that you're too picky; you should stay with the person you have.
When I was with S, I spent years of my life almost satisfied. I had convinced myself that he was the best thing that was ever going to happen to me. And yet, I would often find my mind wandering to the idea of someone else-someone a little more romantic, a little more loving, a little ... different. When I first started spending time with J, I had hoped he'd convince me that staying with S was the right thing to do. Only, he had no idea the impact he would have on me.
Up until then, I was sure that I was the one making a mistake-it was my fault for keeping that part of myself hidden. For he had never truly understood me or taken the time to truly get to know and love me. I considered the idea that love was impossible. And then J changed my mind.
From our first meetings, we were just friends. There was no false hope or sentimental ideals in our getting together. We were simply two people and he was trying to help me make sense of my confused heart. But it wasn't so much what he said that turned my heart ... it was the little things that he did that turned the world I had known-upside down. He'd make me tea after a long evening at school, and it would be hot and ready for me when I got there.
It was the fact that he knew in his heart that such a little thing would be so welcome to me that impressed me. He didn't have to brag about himself or sell himself to me. He'd make me lunch for my next day, and without saying a word, would hand it to me on my way out the door.
"What's this?" I would ask. "I made you lunch." He'd say quietly, handing me a brown bag bulging with unknown items. He didn't brag about it or make a big deal. It was just something that he did because he had thought about me enough to do it.When he saw how stressed I was about things, he'd offer to talk to me or would make silly jokes to calm me down. He'd spend hours sitting with me, just to make me feel better.
Those little insignificant things made me realize that love was possible. Real love, the kind that lasts forever. It wasn't about what kind of car he drove or how much money he made. I loved him for who he was.
I loved his silly collection of Japanese swords and trinkets, his knowledge of computers, and the gentle way that he looked after me. Once, when we came back to the house that S and I shared, he saw it was in disarray. I had become disheartened and stopped doing the cleaning. Without my work, S hadn't done a thing. J was dressed up; he had come from work. He rolled up his sleeves, grabbed a washcloth, and helped me clean the entire house. He didn't ask for a thing in return. He simply marveled at the fact that S had not lifted a finger to help me. His act of complete kindness has never left my heart. Years later, I still look back upon those times and remember how easy it was to fall in love with him.
Lately, I have found myself discouraged with dating. Kindness in the way that J was seems to be a lost art, destined only for those lucky individuals who have managed to find love. But just as I am about to give up, I see love before me.
A friend of mine was married yesterday. I felt terrible before the wedding, and was determined not to go. My stomach felt sick, my head felt like a thousand horses trampling me, and yet I somehow pulled myself out of bed, grabbed an old dress, and made my way to her wedding. There, right before my eyes, I saw love again. Not fake, superficial love, but real love. I have gotten enormously good at reading lips for some reason. This comes to a point here in a second as I compose my thoughts ... I got to see everyone start to walk down the isle. Suddenly the triumphant sound of a wedding march started and I saw Sarah, a giant grin on her face, make her way down the isle. When she saw me, the single girl at the end of the isle, she smiled even wider. She proudly stepped forward and took her place next to her groom. At some point, as they stood before the pastor, he looked at her, took his hand in hers, and I could see his lips ask her, "Are you ready?" Such simple words, with such an incredible impact on me. It was as if there was no one else in the world there but two people who had eyes only for one another.
That, my friends, is true love. A simple act of putting the other person's happiness and well-being before your own or thinking of them in such a way as to care about them.
Unfortunately, I was originally going to go with someone. But I felt bad and didn't want him to have to drive so far at the last minute. But the truth of it all is, I think I was meant to go alone. Had I not gone alone, I would not have been able to listen as I did and my heart stilled by watching something so magical happen. I would have been too worried about my own thoughts or feelings to really listen to the sound of love.
Sometimes, when I watch a good movie or I see a wedding as powerful as this one was, I am reminded in the power of real love-and of the idea that in its true form, love is a most glorious, powerful thing. It doesn't matter how old you are, how young, how fat, how thin, how weak, or how strong. It doesn't matter what your friends say or what they don't say. All that matters is the fact that you have the admiration and adulation of that other person. God blesses such things.
I still see people who have the gift I am talking about. A certain someone made an impression on me a long time ago and I don't think I will ever forget it. It was such a simple act of kindness, that I know he will never know how much I appreciate him-even if he will never know I exist.
Some months back, a ... I guess I'll call him a friend, because if I say "co-worker" everyone will figure out who I'm talking about. A friend of mine was talking to me, and has always been very aloof but professional. There's nothing that could draw us together as we get very few opportunities to touch on personal subjects. There doesn't seem to be a place for that in our line of work. But sometimes I wish ...
Anyways, as we talked about one of my "clients" he said, "How does he treat you? Does he treat you okay?" in the way a big brother might ask his little sister. "He treats me all right." I think I managed to answer. I was simply taken aback by his question. It was the first time in a long time, that someone had asked about my well being. This went beyond the superficiality of everyday conversations or fake "how are yous?". This was about how I was being treated. Looking back, I wonder what he would have said if I had told him that he treated me poorly. Would he have defended me or done something to change how I was treated? That one question made a huge impact on me, and I don't think this person will ever have a clue that one question could make such a difference in my life. This person has since continued to amaze me in small ways. Though he will probably never realize that I exist, for reasons I have not yet articulated, he has managed to also make me remember what it is I am looking for in another person. Something so simple and yet so difficult to find.
The other thing is, a person so wonderful as this is often sought by others who might not be able to articulate their worth but find them valuable all the same. Often, those people are more beautiful than myself. It's a small chance to find someone such as this and actually have them like you as much as you do them. That is what makes love such a magical thing-so that when you do find it, you hold on to it, and don't let it go.
I believe that real love is possible. The kind that hopefully lasts longer than a couple of years when the feeling of "newness" wears off. The kind that makes your heart go pitter-patter and your feeling of love grow. People have often said that when you find the right person, you just know that it's right and I believe them. Love is possible. You just have to find someone who is ready for the magic to happen ...
I often pray that God gives me the strength to continue this journey I am on. I pray that he will help me find the right person so that I may be even happier in my life. Seeing others find love, including witnessing that miracle at my friend's wedding last night, is almost enough to keep me going. It's almost enough to remind me that love is worth waiting for. It's almost enough to know that I found love one time in my life, and it's almost enough to know that great things are possible. If only my heart could convince me that almost was good enough ... For I will never completely be satisfied with that.
To all of you still on that journey, I applaud you. I applaud your courage in waiting for the right person, and in not settling for just anyone who comes along. Good things come to those who wait, or so it is said, and I hope that you find the person who loves you and makes you happy. So when you find that person who treats you questionably, or makes you wonder what their motives are, who moves too fast, who moves too slow, who puts you down but claims they love you, remember that you deserve better. You deserve to go out on dates and have a good time. You deserve to be caught up in the passion of romance, even by someone who's not romantic. You deserve to be loved for all your flaws and strange quirks. You deserve to have someone amazing.
You deserve real love. You deserve to be happy, even if it is for a fleeting moment in time. Wait for it ... wait for it to scoop you up and show you its passion. Wait for it to make a believer out of you ... and to show you, even for a moment, that any dream in this life is possible.

What I Want!

Everyone has been asking me this question lately. So I thought I would take a moment out and put this to rest once and for all. Yes, I am still single ... still searching for that person who is going to add something wonderful to my life.

I am happy being alone. I don't need someone to make my life complete. My life is complete. However, there are so many things I would like to share with someone, so many things I could offer and bring to a relationship.

It seems like there are so many things that you can't do alone... or you can do them alone, but the experience just isn't the same. Like going to the movies. Sure, you can sit in the air conditioned room all by yourself, but it's much more fun when shared with another person. That's how I feel about life and relationships. It's okay by itself, but it's so much more enjoyable with someone else.

With that in mind ... here's an estimate of what I want. No one is going to fit in a little box of my expectations. That's why you won't see me talking about looks or any of that. I don't care what you look like. I care who you are. When we die ... no one is going to care what you look like. All you are going to leave behind is the memory of the person you were and the legacy of the things you did.

So here we go: I want someone who can make me laugh. Someone who will laugh at my silly jokes and someone with a good sense of humor. I don't mean someone who likes to make fun of other people. I don't find that kind of humor funny. It's different if you point out absurdities in people in general, but I don't like putting down people. It's not fun.

I want someone who is nice to me, who acts like a gentleman. They open doors because they want to, because it's in their nature, not because they know it will score points with me.
It would be nice to have someone who takes care of me the way I take care of them. If they've had a long day, I have been known to whip up a great dinner and finish it with a day of pampering him. I would love the same in return.

I would love to find someone who understands me, who I could talk to, who takes the time out to get to know the things I like and what I'm interested in. I'd appreciate the person who could help me work out problems I have without passing judgement or telling me how many ways I did it wrong. I want someone who's solution-oriented and not blame-oriented.

I want someone with confidence --someone who knows what they want and isn't afraid to go after it. Someone who is happy with themselves but always striving to be a better person. Someone who isn't afraid to tell you they're sorry or that they've made a mistake.

I want someone who doesn't give in to everything I want, and someone who has an opinion of their own. It is so refreshing to meet a guy on a date who already knows where he plans to take you. I can find something to eat at any restaurant-just pick a place, and let's check it out together.

I want someone who is kind to others and who is kind to me. I don't want someone who puts me down-even if we are disagreeing with each other. I want to know I can tell him anything and he will still love and respect me.

I want someone who likes animals-especially dogs. I want someone who isn't afraid to do a little cleaning once in a while and knows how to clean up after himself.

I want someone who's honest, who can tell me the truth, and someone who is loyal. Trust is important. I need someone as commited to me as I will be to them. I don't ever want to have to question my faith or my trust in the other person.

I'd really like to have someone I could talk to about things; someone who is interesting, who actually knows what's going on in the world or has something to say. It's always amazing to me when I meet someone who's intelliegent and pays attention to issues and likes to talk about them, or even someone who likes to ponder "what ifs".

Finally, I need someone who isn't stupidly superficial. We're all superficial to a point. Someone down to earth, easy to talk to, who knows that there is more to life than "things" and "money."
I'm sure I have more stuff... but that's all I'll say for now. Perhaps I'll add more to it as I think about it.

Meanwhile, I figure it's only fair to tell you what I have to offer. I mean, life is short, right? Sometimes we don't give each other the opportunities we need to show each other how great we are.

So here goes: I'm the kind of girl who would drive 100 miles to bring you soup if you were sick. I'm the kind of girl who would listen to you talk for hours if you were having a problem.
I'm the kind of girl that would wake up early to drive you to the airport, without complaint. I'm the kind of girl who would jump in the car with you and go on an overnight adventure to just about anywhere.
I'm the kind of girl who likes the cheesy walks on the beach and looking at sunsets. I have been known to stare up into the constellations a time or two looking for that falling star ... I am the kind of girl who loves romance and loves everything that comes along with that (yes, even sex)...
I love sweet things, but not necessarily chocolate. I love animals, but not cats. I drive a fast car, but try to stay safe all the same ... I love to laugh, love to have fun, and love to be silly a time or two.

I love kids and plan to be a great parent someday. But I don't want a "baby's daddy" or a one night stand to get one. I want someone who is as committed, caring, and ready as I am (preferrably after marriage)...

That's who I am. That's what I have to offer. That's what I'm looking for.I hope that I eventually find someone who is interested in continuing this journey with me ... and maybe we can sail together on this silly ocean we call Life.

Cheers and hugs to you all!

Instant Gratification

So I was talking to my sister about this, and we both agree that everyone seems to always want instant gratification in our society today.
They want, need a distraction so they turn to things that gratify them instantly: sex, drugs, pills, and alcohol. Or perhaps it's to a relationship that can give them what they want right now. We are so bombarded with all the things that come our way, that we are easily distracted and when we see something we want, we want it now. We have become a society that places emphasis on what you get as opposed to what you give.
I think the biggest danger in instant gratification is that it becomes an addiction to us. Even if we manage to give up that addiction, we slowly adapt something else to be addicted to. I think we move quickly from thing to thing because we are a society where we are easily bored and are always looking for a new "fix" a new high to keep from reminding us the truth of the world. It's not always that awesome, amazing place we thought it would or should be.
Our addictions are the ways we distract our hearts from feeling, distract our minds from thinking, and in essence, for just a moment we can pretend the world is as we want it to be, not as it actually is.
The difficulty here lies in our inability to form strong connections with other people. More often than not, people don't follow through with what they say they will do-a result of trying to take too much on and do too many things at once.
We heard a message at church over the weekend to "slow down" and I think it starts with our mentality. "Slowing down" isn't just about taking a day of rest, it's about trying to bite off more than we can chew, taking on too many tasks at once. "Learn to say no" was one of the main messages given to us. I think it especially necessary to learn to say no... to ourselves.
When we can't follow through with what we say, we let each other down, and unknowingly begin to lose the trust of our friends and loved ones. We slowly start to slip away and become more and more addicted to the next fix. Pretty soon, we are nothing more than a hollow, empty shell of a person. We need to learn to say no to ourselves, learn that we need to be patient, not always running after the "newer and better."
It reminds me of an ex boyfriend who told me about the "shiny penny" syndrome. If you have a group of pennies that are old, none of them stick out. But you put a new, shiny penny in the bunch, and suddenly, you can't help but stare at the shiny penny. Pretty soon, that penny isn't shiny anymore and you have to look for the next shiny penny.
To show you the example in terms of people, let's say a group of three people meet and are friends. They hang out with one another a lot and have a good time. But they know one another so well, they begin to flake on one another-because they are becoming familiar with them and bored. But once you introduce a new friend to the group, they are like the shiny penny that will draw the friends in again. In relationships, I have seen the same thing. After a few months, the girlfriend (or sometimes the boyfriend) becomes the old penny. Day after day, week after week, everything becomes the same, becomes routine. Not because they are not exciting people, but because you know them and who they are. Suddenly, you are bored and start to wonder if it's just you or if your relationship is doomed. You can't help but want to breathe life back into your relationship, but you've both become the used penny. So when the guy meets the new "shiny" penny, she might not be as cute or awesome or wonderful as you. She is just new and shiny and everyone is excited by the unknown.
This is why, I believe, so many relationships / marriages fail. Our need for instant gratification and the constant "new penny" syndrome makes us constantly want for more and never lets us be satisfied with what we have.
This is also why I believe guys are attracted to what are typically considered "crazy" girls. I think that they are attracted to them for several reasons that are easy to see. These could also apply in "crazy guy" but realistically, I think guys become more easily bored than girls.
#1) "Crazy" girl is difficult to figure out (because she's crazy) and difficult to figure out = a puzzle which = fun. Let's face it, if we know and understand someone, you'd think that would = great person we get along with. But what it typically means for most guys = boring and routine. Boring and routine = bad.
#2) "Crazy" girls typically stays like a new, shiny penny longer, because they are unpredictable (again, I sound like a broken record but-this is because they are crazy!) But again, unpredictable = fun. Us girls that have a decent job, our lives are mostly squared away, and we don't have significant issues = boring and routine. As I said above, boring and routine = bad.
#3) "Crazy" girls typically don't care about anyone but themselves. Why is it that crazy people are so focused on themselves? Hmm... again, they are crazy! But the thing that makes them interesting is that they are so focused on themselves that they don't focus on the guy which instantly makes them more attractive. Because they guy looks at it with his ego like, "how come they aren't paying attention to me? I'm hot stuff." And the girl blows him off. When she doesn't pay the attention to him he feels he deserves, it becomes like a game, a puzzle. A game or puzzle = chase which = fun. Guys are preditory animals and most men need to chase their prey and eventually win it over. Thus, while they say they don't like to play games, they inevitably do it anyway!
#4) "Crazy" girl ends up being with Mr. Nice Guy because Mr. Nice Guy gets stuck. There are things about crazy girl he likes. He doesn't want to be Mr. "Fix It" but at the same time, he does. He likes the attention and likes to feel wanted and needed. In attempting to fix her problems, it enables him to avoid his. Inevitably, however, he realizes there are several things about crazy girl he doesn't like: her instability, her intimacy issues, her insecurities. But at the same time, it becomes difficult to leave because at the same time, she is giving him the excitement that he craves.
So after all this, what is the solution? I think the secret is that we all have issues of our own device. We all have our own little bit of "crazy" but inevitably we will all become the dull penny eventually. The secret, it would seem, is to find someone who recognizes in us our potential. No one wants to settle for boring or routine. But I think that's what we really need. We are encouraged to go for the "shiny" penny and to abandon the old one. But what if we stopped wanting things now? What if our lives could stop centering around instant gratification?
It's funny how we emphasize the importance of "getting your life together" but I can say from personal experience that having my life semi-together is intimidating and boring. And as I've said a million times now, routine = boring. Normal = boring.
So then we turn back to instant gratification and being the shiny penny. I don't know if there's a way around it. I can only hope that someone looks at me and is able to see the shiny penny underneath despite whatever might build up along the way. And let's face it, let's hope I am able to recognize them too, because it's so easy to get lost in the sea of tarnished faces.

Interesting Idea

It was late when I got home; the rain had begun misting my windshield and as I made my way up the long ascending hill to my house, it began dropping in larger droplets, splattering on the ground and the roof.
Even though one of my favorite songs was playing on the radio, my thoughts were a million miles away. I was thinking about him, thinking about the things I had said, the things I hadn't said, the things I wanted to say. But life was funny that way, the way you were always torn between what you wanted, and the difficulties of crossing the unspoken boundaries between friendship and something more.
I shouldn't want anything more, should have just left it all as it was, but there was something in my heart that wouldn't let me find peace. It was a silent whisper in my soul and yet, I found it ridiculous. It was just like my character to like that which I couldn't have.
Pulling into my driveway, I turned out my lights, debating on whether or not to run to my door as I had forgotten my umbrella yet again-clearly a mistake in the rainy season. I grabbed an extra sweater in the backseat and held it over my head as I made my way across the sidewalk and up the stairs to the place I called home. It was freezing, my breath making short puffs as I hurried to my door.
I reached my door and was startled by a voice behind me. "Sarah ..." There he was, his long brown hair dripping wet. He had waited in the cold rain on my porch for me to come home.
"What are you doing here?" I quickly opened the door and stomped my feet on the welcome mat.
"I didn't know when you'd be here. I was ... waiting for you." he said, his voice barely a whisper above the sound of the pouring rain. He was dressed in jeans and a sweater, no coat, no umbrella.
"Come inside, hurry!" I exclaimed, ushering him inside as the rain picked up its tempo.
He came inside, slowly, deliberately, shutting the door quietly behind him. He stood at the front door, staring at me as though there were miles between us.
His silence was strange to me, given the fact that we always had something to say to one another.
"Here, let me take your coat ..." I approached, realizing that he was not wearing a coat and I was dangerously close to him. The smell of rain and cologne drifted up and overtook me. As I came closer, he made no move away from me. It was as if there were unspoken words on our lips and neither of us knew where to begin.
I stopped and cocked my head slightly to the side in puzzlement.
"You left and didn't say a word about where you were going." His dark eyes were pools of emotions I couldn't understand.
"I didn't know where I was going. I just wanted to get away." I said. "I felt as though I was suffocating.""But why?""Because of the questions you were asking me..."
"You left so quickly, it seemed strange."
I shrugged.
"You've always let me in," he continued, staring straight at me. "You've always told me what's on your mind. Why is it different now?"
I couldn't meet his gaze, my eyes dropping to the floor. I couldn't tell him the truth, couldn't tell him that he had gotten too close. I had made myself vulnerable and had let him in. Some day soon, one of us was going to get hurt when the other walked away. And since I could never tell him how I felt, it would easily be me.
I don't know if he was expecting an answer, but I just stayed quiet; I could feel his gaze piercing a hole right through me and I considered the idea, for just a moment, that he already knew how I felt.
Only a couple of seconds passed as I stared at the floor, but they were like hours and days to my heart. I glanced up and found that his gaze had not broken. As he looked down on me, droplets of water gathered at the ends of his hair and dropped onto his sweater. Without thinking, I reached up to catch another droplet as it started to fall.
Catching it in my hand, I felt his hand reach up and grasp mine. His hands were strong, powerful, comforting. My breath caught in my throat as he pulled me closer to him and for just a moment, I thought that he was going to hug me. But instead, his lips met mine and in surprise, I jerked my head back, but he did not relax his grip. His strong arms wrapped themselves around me and instantly, I felt a warmth spread through my entire body.
He didn't say a word, just smiled and kissed me again and again and again, our faces melting together as if it had always been that way. It was as if all of our unspoken questions were answered, and that something that existed between us had finally been realized. In that moment, everything was perfect. Two hearts, having been friends so long, finally came together for one perfect moment in time.
So I'd like to say it all had a happy ending but ... like so many stories, this one isn't true ... But I wanted to give a romantic "blurb" a try to see how I could do with it ... see if I was any good.
There was a guy in college (I can picture this happening in Oregon-thus the rain) who was a good friend of mine and always had a crush on this girl ... but he never told her. And she, unknown to us, had a crush on him --but never told him. This is like a moment in time in their untold story ... Although, I think they actually got married in real life (if this is you-and you know who you are--congrats, by the way).
Honestly, I wish this was really true for me. I put my name in because ... I think would be super awesome to have someone ... I don't know ... like me like that.... perhaps it was at one time, or will be in the future. For now, a girl can dream, right?
If it sucks, tell me!

Waiting

There is a face in the crowd; a face that is not easily recognizable. It is so common and yet so different. As you pass one another, you see only a smile and the power of it overtakes you and makes you slightly happier than you were only moments before. You can't quite place your finger on it, but there is something there, something on that face that makes it different than all the others that pass before it.
Love is like a smile that lights up a face; it is contagious and recognizable. For those of us still searching for our matching face in the crowd, it is easy to find ourselves picturing what could possibly happen should we ever be graced with it.
I can only describe how I felt when I was in love, the way it overtook me; how it made weeks and months pass like minutes. When I felt as if I was in love, it was as if everything in the world was a little bit brighter, every smell a bit stronger, each sound a harmonious song. Each bit of news, each coversation was an elation, lifting me higher and higher to a place I had never been. Suddenly, every difficult obstacle seemed to be only a positive thought away, every day like a new beginning.
I cannot help but picture and hope for what it may feel like again one day when I am graced with that feeling again. The only problem is, I cannot accept less than someone great.
It's easy to talk about being a good person, and even more difficult to actually be one. Our actions seldom truly match our words and the definition of integrity seems to be lost on so many in society today. Treating each other with respect is a talent lost, and one that I hope to one day find again.
It seems to me that one would be so lucky to have qualities such as kindess and honesty. Why is it that when one enters a relationship, suddenly a tangled web of deceipt and mistreatment suddenly becomes a circular unbreakable pattern?
While I point to the flaws in others, so I too have flaws. Sometimes my heart speaks too much and my logic too little. But the truth beckons me to speak from the voice that cries within my soul. Sometimes it seems impossible to love another human being without wanting anything from them.
But it is love that calls me to speak from my heart. I cannot go from having love to feeling emptiness and expect to bounce back with unaffected exuberance for I am human. Having known what love feels like, I cannot help but wish to find it again. One cannot go from learning the abundance and potential of one's heart and not hope to one day reach that level again.
Yet in a world made difficult by life, and the complications it entails, love does not come in a form we often easily recognize. And sometimes, it passes us by entirely. Sometimes, for all my qualities, talents, and experience, I feel hurt and rejected by those who would only see my flaws. In kind, I hurt and reject those to whom I cannot relate or who I feel are selfish and self-centered.
I cannot help but want someone to love and cherish me, not just pretend to. I can't help but want someone who likes children, loves life, and plans to make the most of it with me. A good life is not created by watching the television night after night expecting to grow.
In the end, as simple as we would try and make it, it is a complicated thing, love. It is full of heartache and sorrow, excitement and adventure, and ups and downs and we may not always enjoy the journey. But I would argue that it is the journey towards love that makes it all worthwhile.
I try to find love, and I give it a chance, because I believe that it can succeed in my life. Through the twists and turns and good and bad, I am willing to be the person who sticks it out, who goes the distance, who stays strong.
The only sense of doubt comes from the unknown. The twisting nether of unknown and often missed opportunities and the chance of loving, but not receiving love in return. Those are the fears. Those are the worries. Those are the chances you take when you reach out for love.
But in the end, it is not so much whether you win or lose the battle. The strength and the power comes from being willing to reach out your hand. To be willing to try ... try to make something work, try to fix something when it goes wrong, try to make it last ... those are qualities and talents we hold out for. Those are the ones we wish to take with us on our journeys. But fear of the unknown holds us back. Fear of rejection, of being alone, of a million other things, prevents us from doing those things we know we want to do.
I have often been criticized for choosing to be alone so long. But that feeling of being in love was worth the rest of a lifetime without it ... I cannot accept a life with anything less. As simple as that answer seems, and as obvious, it is suprisingly not. It is easy to give in to my physical needs and just accept someone who is in the "here and now" and pretend. But I know real love; it is like a beacon of hope in my soul that it is possible to find someone like that again.
So alone I stay until my partner, my teammate, comes into my life. I risk rejection, humiliation, loss, but in the end, I gain humility, courage, and strength. I am proud of those moments I was strong enough to put my best foot forward and attempt to go after something I wanted. We only have a limited supply of time on this planet, and it's about time we started going for what we want.
I would merely suggest that we just choose not to settle. We choose to stick to our plans, stick to ourselves and hold on to the idea that love is out there. We shouldn't lower our standards or trade in our integrity for the gratification of our temporary physical and emotional wants. Because if we aren't careful, we'll find something that will be just the thing we promised ourselves we wouldn't get.
The worse thing we could do is to find a life but miss out on what it feels like to truly know love.
As a final thought, I think that many of us love romantic movies because it paints a picture of what real love is and for just a moment, we get to see a brief glimpse of a powerful feeling. For example, in the movie "City of Angels" one of the most poignant moments come after the death of Maggie (Meg Ryan). Seth (Nicholas Cage) gives up his life as a sort of angel to be a human to share his life with his love. In a particularly emotional moment, a scene finds Seth go into a store and we see the pain on his face as he puts pears into a shopping basket, each one like a haunting memory of the love he had lost. He is asked if he had to do it all over again, would he change anything. His reply is simple, "I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One. "
That is how I feel about love. And I am willing to risk embarassment, rejection, and heartache to get it again. I just sometimes wish the journey to get there was a little easier and the path a little less rocky. But in the end, it is about finding love, not in the trials it took to get there. So life finds me always here, my gentle heart still hopeful, my soul still willing to be touched. And so, I keep waiting ...

Eternal Sunshine

Eternal Sunshine ... Current mood: creative
So I just saw a really good (but old) movie called "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." It was probably one of the best movies that I have ever seen. (So watch it!)
In a nutshell, the main two characters (Clementine and Joel) are in a relationship that turns sour. Impulsive Clementine has all memories of Joel erased, and hurting Joel decides to do the same. The only problem is, while his memory is being erased, Joel realizes that he doesn't want to erase her --and tries his best to remember her. Then crazy stuff happens and then ... well, you've got to see it.
It totally gives the viewer and opportunity to see the actuality of what we've all imagined we could do--erase the images of someone who has hurt us, completely from our minds. Take them away, piece by piece, as if they did not exist at all.
I can't even remember how many times I've wished that were possible with certain memories. Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet were absolutely outstanding. I forgot, for just a moment, that I was watching a movie and instead, found myself hoping that somehow Joel Barrish (played by Carrey) would find a way to remember Clementine (Winslet).
What really spoke to me is the fact that often, we all want to forget about someone who has hurt us. But if we were to take away all the memories of that person, we'd take away all the good things we remember about them too.
There are so many times I've wondered what could happen if we could just start over with someone-knowing their flaws, knowing what to watch out for, knowing that in the end, we might not be with them. But just taking the time to enjoy them, enjoy their company, enjoy their presence in our lives. In Joel's case, he had to forget in order to remember what was good. Luckily, he was able to start over--tabula rasa "clean slate."
If only we had the opportunity to start over, or rather, could realize what we have while we have it. But somehow, we slip into patterns that we don't seem to be able to break. It takes something to shake us out of those patterns. Often, it's the break-up itself that changes those patterns-but by then, it's too late. It's too late to take back what was said or take back all the things that have added up to bring you where you are. It's too late to start over. By then, you've already broken up, and you're supposed to be moving on with your life.
The key, I think, was said at some point in the movie. Joel realizes everything he is leaving behind-all of the memories. Oddly enough, he remembers most of the good times (like we all do when we look back) and all of the reasons he fell in love. He admits his mistakes and his fear. After attempting to hide Clementine somewhere in his mind they won't find her, he knows that he doesn't have much time left with her. He has come to the last memory, the last place she exists in his mind. The answer he gives applies to us all.
Clementine simply asks him, "What do we do?"He replies, "Enjoy it."
We may not know who is right for us or how long we might have together. We don't know if tomorrow will bring about an end to the road we've been traveling on or the relationship we've been in. We can only do our best to enjoy every minute of the journey while we're on it. Don't take it for granted while it lasts. Appreciate what you have before it's gone. Enjoy it.

It's Okay

I think it's interesting that as a society, we seem to place a huge emphasis on the idea of being "strong." When something doesn't go our way, we tell each other, "Don't cry about it." "Suck it up." etc. When someone seems to handle things in a stoic, hardened way, we look up to them.
If, on the other hand, they cry or seem to have a difficult time dealing with it, many people will ignore them-because they don't know how to handle the situation. We seem to appreciate things handled in a strong, solid manner-but don't know what to do when we watch someone who can't handle things the same way.
But, I think there is something to be said for the person who can admit defeat, who can, for just a moment, throw themselves a pity party and expect their friends to walk beside them anyway. It's impossible to have a positive outlook on everything-and shame on everyone for thinking we have to! If something crappy happens in your life, whether or not it's your fault, you have the RIGHT to get ticked off about it.
So you're speeding down the freeway and you get pulled over. Sure, you were going about 15 miles over the speed limit and deserved the ticket. So do you have the right to get mad about it? Some would argue no. But I say, of course you do! You have the right to get angry when things don't go your way. You have the right to have a bad day. Just don't be surprised when no one around you knows how to handle it ... because we're taught to "suck it up" and "be strong."
A lot of times, when we end a relationship, we seem to value those people who can get over it easily, whereas those who struggle we pity. But people are allowed to feel however they want to for as long as they want to feel that way. But then again, even if they are allowed to feel that way, there seems to be a limit of how long the friends can listen to the "pity party" before they just throw their hands up and give up.
If something bad happens to you-you're allowed to get pissed off. Throw a pity party. You don't have to be strong in every situation. It's okay to admit defeat. Personally, I respect the person more when they admit that they are having a bad day or having a difficult time dealing with something. Those are the people who realize that they are allowed to feel however they want to, and by sharing how they are feeling, they allow me to understand them better and, if necessary, to help them if I can. Those are the people who are the strong ones. Those people who can act as though nothing bothers them only makes me wonder if they have feelings at all or makes me believe that they are not being honest or real. Those people who share that they are having a bad day risk being rejected and therefore, they are in fact much stronger than those who pretend all the time.
I personally would rather have someone in my life with real problems. I don't mind the pity party every once in a while. In fact, I'll even help you blow up the balloons.

Winds of Change

Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow share their dreams
With you and me
Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow dream
away in the wind of change--The Scorpions

If you typically asked a person whether or not they liked change, I wonder if the majority would say they like change, or whether or not they prefer things that are stable, routine.
I think most of us like to think we like change. When one politician gets into office and does a poor job, we can't wait to see what the next new person can bring to the table. We can't wait for the change. Sometimes, their term of office seems too long to wait.
I think that we have become such an impatient society that we want others to think that we like change, when in reality, change is difficult.
Change is difficult. Change can't happen overnight. This has been said so often, we cannot forget it. It seems as though adults have a less easier time adapting to change because, I think as we get older, we get more settled into routines that we are comfortable with. Once happy with an everyday adventure, as we age, we begin to prioritize our lives and our time differently. I think that we begin to see time as something we don't have enough of. We rush to have others change, but are slow to change ourselves.
In relationships, some people want to see a change in their partner... but when a change is made, they do not know how to deal with it-because they had become accustomed to the way things used to be as opposed to the way things are.
We want change, we bring about change, but then fight it when it comes around. The couples, it seems to me, who make it-are the ones who adapt to change well and who understand that process.
The question then becomes how to adapt to change when the last thing we want is for things to change. It's easier for us when things stay the same because then we don't worry so much or have to do as much work. For example, in my six year relationship, eventually my boyfriend and I settled into a sort of routine that worked for us as a couple. We'd come home and do our own thing, content to share the same space without constantly feeling the need to be tangled up with each other. The problem was, when change came about-it threw our relationship off.
I was laid-off from my job when it was bought out by another company. Suddenly, I had the opportunity (as scary as it was) to change my career and start over again. But I think that S (as I'll call him) was afraid of change, afraid of how it would affect our routine. Instead of being supportive, he became hurtful and mean and made me feel as though he didn't think I could do it. He actually told me that. "I don't think you're going to like it." he said. "I think you won't be able to handle it." It wasn't just about my getting a new job, it was about the changes it would bring about in our relationship.
I think that when things change in a negative way, it's easier to blame someone or some outside influence or source as the reason for why things went wrong. But the truth of it all is, life and the people in it, are constantly changing. If we want to have someone change but then aren't prepared when they do, then perhaps we should find the answers to our questions within ourselves and really figure out why we do not handle change well.
Personally, I don't think I handle change well. I'd like to think that I used to and that I handle it as well as most. As a person who has never really settled down in one spot, I am constantly in flux, constantly unsettled, changing. My roommate changes, situations adjust, feelings change, etc. and instead of always embracing it, there are times when I too get angry. Part of the reason I became so upset after J left was because it forced me out of a comfortable routine, a routine that I coincidentally loved. It forced me to reevaluate my life and do things a little differently. I had to move, had to make new friends, had to start over. That was a whole lot of change almost overnight.
Part of the reason I feel that some of us get over lost loves slower than others is because I think a part of us is still attached to that routine, to feeling loved, feeling safe, feeling secure in the routine.
I know that I don't always handle change well and it becomes more difficult to adjust to as I get older. In fact, as one ages, I think life beckons us to slow down and change less. We begin to place more emphasis on families, and watching the next generation grow, and place less emphasis on ourselves. Suddenly, change is reserved for those younger and those starting their lives with that same sense of adventure and curiosity that drove us as children.
Today, I realized that one of the driving forces that makes me happy to get out of bed every day knowing that I am going to deal with crappy, cranky, unhappy children in an attempt to fix their lives is because this: since I am no longer able to change as quickly or like it as much, I cannot help but be drawn to those who do or can.
To see the light go on in someone else's heart as they make a realization and make a complete change is so rare, that it feels like a miracle when it happens. It is that miracle that I think parents love witnessing in their children. For example, a child realizes they like horses and so they change. Suddenly a room that was full of Winnie the Pooh is replaced by "My Little Pony" and pictures of wild, dusty places. This change, this enlightenment, is the driving force behind much of what I do.
I see that I have an opportunity, ever so slight, to witness change. To see a child (or teenager) take an opportunity and run with it-really make a positive, healthy change in their life and really realize what it's all about. That sort of self-actualization is so rare in a society that seems to place emphasis on staying the same.
Witnessing the miracle of change makes everything I do worth it. To see a child smile or feel loved or get off drugs, or graduate from high school is a proud moment. To see them realize their full potential is truly an amazing thing. It's truly like witnessing a miracle. How else can you explain a complete change of heart, change of point-of-view, change of a life?
I think that we get angry with change when it doesn't benefit us. But we appreciate change when it brings about what we want. Change is necessary because it helps us grow-even when we don't get what we want. Change helps us be more flexible and helps push us in new directions we had not considered before.
Instead of fearing the journeys we are taking, we should embrace them. But it's easier said than done, I admit. I look at people who are open to change and I look up to them, respect them. When I see someone who's life is in flux, and who deals with it in a positive way, I can't help but appreciate and admire their strength and courage. Those people who flounder and complain with change, truly make me feel that they're not growing and they never will until they see that going in another direction might just be better or more amazing than the path they took to get there.
Meanwhile, I sort of sit back and watch as the people change around me-hoping to see more of these miracles at work, and praying that the ones who can't or won't change will someday see the light. I pray too, that I learn from them, and learn to accept change because like it or not, tomorrow will be different than today, and the winds of change will begin to blow ...
Speaking of which, it reminds me of the song by the Scorpions about the winds of change when the Berlin wall finally went down and brought about a change in Germany. Change can be the thing that breaks down walls and builds up hearts. Let's hope that we never stop changing.
Take me to the magic of the momentOn a glory nightWhere the children of tomorrow share their dreamsWith you and meTake me to the magic of the momentOn a glory nightWhere the children of tomorrow dream awayin the wind of change

Flames To Dust

Honestly what will become of me don't like reality

It's way too clear to me

But really life is daily

We are what we don't see

Missed everything daydreaming

Flames to dust

Lovers to friends

Why do all good things come to an end

--Nelly Furtado

I don't know how to start this. I have so much to say that I don't know where to begin. It all started the night before last... lately, I have been really unable to sleep well. But the night before last, I fell into a deep sleep.
I had a dream about him, the guy I affectionately refer to as J. I had a dream that I couldn't recall when I woke up. But a persistent feeling overwhelmed me. I had given it thought months ago and then quickly dismissed it. I decided that a part of my heart, the part that won't allow me to become attached to someone new, was still struggling with the fact that J had hurt me and I never felt it was resolved. I woke up and decided that I had to write him a letter, one last letter-just to tell him how I felt. The feeling was so strong, that I knew it was something I'd follow through on. I briefly wondered what had possessed me. After all, J and I hadn't spoken in ... I couldn't remember how long.
As I was going about the dredgery of an ordinary work day, I saw a face appear in my doorway with a smile. It was him.
"Wanna go to lunch?" he asked me. I didn't even give it a second thought before replying. I gathered my things, ushered a client out of my office, and that's when my heart lept into my throat. He never asked me to lunch; something was going on. The only time he ever seemed to want to see me these days was when there was some incredible news to share. This is it, I thought to myself. They are going to get married.
Strangely, it wasn't the thought of them getting married that bothered me as much as his big production about telling me things like that. He'd never just come out and tell me; it was as if he always had to break the news to me gently-as if the world was coming to an end. But I realize now, that's just the way he is and always has been. But I was wrong about what he had to tell me ... I just didn't know it yet.
We walked to his car, and I could still feel that something between us. I had just begun to feel normal again, and he had to come around.
We had lunch together, talking about our lives and the people in them as if it were only a few days since we last spoke and not the truth of it which was like an ocean between us; so much had happened, so much that we couldn't change or take back.
His girlfriend is due soon. I know the name of the baby; I know so many things I shouldn't know. But that's the trouble when you work in a place that's like a family. The news comes and goes and spreads like a fire. At one time, he and I had been careful to hide our relationship in fear that, if found out, it could look bad for both our careers. Supervisors don't usually date peons. But I didn't really care about it as much as he did. For all the care we took, people still knew. So now that they have been surprised with the news that he has another girlfriend and she's pregant, there seems to be no end to their constant inquiries... it's as if his life and all the dirty laundry between us is on display. People can't understand what went wrong between us and I don't really have an answer to give them.
I was nervous during lunch-waiting for the ball to drop-waiting for the news he had come to bring to me to be brought up. And before I was even prepared, I blurted out, "Have you come to tell me you're getting married?"
"No." He looked at me strangely.
"The thing is ..." he paused, and then in a hushed tone said, "Well, the thing is, I really miss you."
I felt as though my heart stopped beating.
"And I'd really like you to be able to come over when you want to. I really want us to be friends. And I think that she is finally coming around to the idea."
Friends? Who was he kidding. We weren't friends. We were no more friends than we were acquainted with each other. It was as if two strangers were sitting together having lunch ... and yet, there it was, still that connection that lingered between us.
Even though so much time had passed, he could still feel my thoughts and read my expressions. My face and expressions were an open book and our minds, still more alike than I realized or cared to admit.
The truth was, whether I cared to admit it or not, there was something still hanging between us--a silent question that lingered in the dark distance that had grown yet somehow shackled us together all at the same time: could we still be friends?
I told him that I had decided that I didn't know if we could be friends-because I respected her and knew that she deserved to feel safe and secure in their relationship. But when he told me he missed me, I wanted to crawl back into his arms and tell him everything was going to be all right.
But I was torn. Here we were, months later, closing doors that were still left open. I know now that we purposely left them open because somewhere, deep in our hearts, we still love each other. Of course our love could no longer be realized. She was pregnant and I have moved on. A lot has changed and yet little. This was the time when we would have to make a decision on whether or not we closed the door forever and became friends, or left it open, and struggled on for years with unsettled feelings.
I think we both knew the answer; I told him that his friendship was important to me, even though I had already told him that I would give it up in a heartbeat if it made her uspet.
Closing that door means that we can never go back. He told me that too, over lunch. "I can't go back and think about what if's or different decisions I could have made," he said. "I simply have to deal with what I have in front of me and work it out."
It was one of the most intelligent and level-headed things I had ever heard him say. Yet I knew that I couldn't close that door to our relationship without telling him how it all had affected me.
I told him, very briefly, that he had really hurt my self esteem and I told him how I felt as though he abandoned me when I needed him the most. I let out all of the hurt I had harboured these past two years with as little emotion and as much ease as I could.
Normally, my telling him these things would have resulted in anger, defensiveness, and an abrupt end to our lunch. But for the first time, he met my words with integrity, honesty, and apology. He apologized and told me, "It was not your fault. It was never about you. I want you to know that. It was me. It was my fault; it was my bad." He didn't get angry or defensive and I could see a change in him. But telling him how I felt, and by him saying what he did, it was as if an unspoken fog had lifted and our hearts could finally be free. He had felt guilt that needed to be resolved and my heart needed closure and acceptance. It couldn't have worked out more perfectly.
To put it mildly, it was like a miracle. I wish I could describe it better and truly do it justice. It was as if God was closing up all the loose ends of my life so that I could move on to something else.
We ended our lunch in peace and friendship, having closed the door on our relationship forever. While it almost seems easier for me to have a reason to hate him, I feel as though everything is going to be okay; he is forgiven for everything. We can now move on and get back to being friends again. But one thing will never change--I will always love him and love what we had for that short time.
I think that love just is what it is. It doesn't always have a reason or a meaning or a deeper truth. You can't always help who you love. God puts people in your life for a moment or a lifetime and you just have to enjoy them while they are with you and around you. I know now that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Because now I have the idea of someone, the idea of love, the idea of taking this life and making my next relationship into something great. For a moment, I got to love and be a part of something great.
The best thing is, I have learned to trust again. I have learned to give again, without expecting something in return. I have learned that there is a reason for things, you just have to discover what that is.
There were so many things about J that I loved. The things I loved the most were things that I can still enjoy in our friendship. The only thing I still am searching for is that connection ... and I won't settle for any less in someone else.
So I don't know how to end this blog ... few of us get the kind of closure that we need to feel better. It took two years for me to get it and perhaps, at last, I can sleep.

The Longest Hour

This might be the most difficult blog I have ever had to write. It all started last week when he called me to ask me what the status was on getting my stuff. I wrote about it on a previous blog. Then, at the end, he suggested we have coffee-a sort of "I'm sorry that we argued" sort of occasion. As the week went on, my heart became more and more sure that he would call and cancel on me, find an excuse or some unavoidable event that made it impossible for us to get together.

I called him to remind him, and he said that we were still going to meet, and suddenly, I realized that something was different. He's always flaked on me in the past, or found a reason to postpone our get-togethers. But an actual meeting meant that he had something to tell me-the inevitability of what would come next was unsettling.

So we left work early and met at Starbucks. I couldn't help but be completely nervous; just seeing him in person always makes my heart do flip flops-an unexpected result of my love for him. He approached me and we hugged, but there was something different about it, something cold. We got our coffees and he asked me how I was doing. I always know when something bad is approaching with him because he'll ask me how I'm doing first, before going into the bad news. We discussed my dog Brinkley and I announced that finally I would be able to take him to my home. I could tell by the look in his eye that he would miss Brinkley; he'd been in his life for over three years now.
"It's not too late for us to have joint custody of him." I joked. Funny thing was, that's not really what I meant, and he knew it; that's how connected we are.
"Well," he paused for a long, silent moment. Then, with a hint of sadness or was that regret? "I can't."
In the next breath, he was telling me that his girlfriend of 10 months was expecting. Pregnant. She was pregnant?

My heart proceeded to drop as he told me that she was already past her first trimester. They knew that they were having a little girl. He told me the news with a sort of saddened pride. I was saddened and imagined my face looking as much without affect as I could possibly stand it.

It was almost like that song, the one I'd played over and over again, by Sarah McLaughlin,

"What ravages of spiritconjured this temptuous rage,created you a monster,broken by the rule of love?And fate has led you through it.You do what you have to do.And fate has led you through it.You do what you have to do…"

This guy, the one that told me that he was never going to have a baby, who promised me that I would find someone before I did, had gotten his girlfriend pregnant. I tried to appear unaffected by the news, and part of me wasn't surprised and the other, was stunned into silence.
The minutes ticked by like hours as he talked about the fact that he claimed he hadn't told me or anyone really, as he was afraid something was going to go wrong. The man who told me over and over again how much he did not really care for children, was going to be a father. Some little girl was going to call him "daddy."

I knew from the day I met him that he would make a good father. We met at a sushi restaurant, he with his arm around a pretty girl, and me with Steve. There was just something about him-the way he talked, the way he moved; I felt different whenever I was around him. But what really made him amazing the day I met him, was the way he treated me. He could tell I'd never had sushi a day in my life and he was considerate and observant. He offered to order for me; offered to teach me how to use chopsticks, etc. Meanwhile, Steve was just sitting there staring at my inability to do it correctly. But even more so was his way of doting on the girl he had brought to dinner. She was gorgeous-blonde hair, blue eyes-little did I know that was to be a commonality in California. He treated her with the most amazing amount of respect. As a stranger, I was sure that they were in love.

My mind forwarded to the present. Here it was, years later, and fate had dealt its hand. He got the very thing he told me he didn't want.

"And I have the sense to recognizethat I don't know how to let you go."

I suddenly got sick to my stomach and my mind started reeling. Everything that was or could be between us, was now erased by the beginning of a new life with someone else. I flashed back to the times we had that were so wonderful.
There was just something about him, right from the beginning. We had this sort of connection, this way of looking at things that went immediately beyond the boundaries of our friendship. It was as if we simply understood one another. He knew just what to say when I needed to hear it. Even when I was with Steve, once in a while we'd travel somewhere all together, and I was never bored. . He had a way of completing my thoughts before I had completed them myself. And yet, at the time, he was with a girl-another blonde-haired, blue eye beauty. But as time went on, I could see by the look in his eyes that he was unhappy. He pretended to be happy on the outside, but those big, brown, expressive eyes told a different story. There was just something about him, something that begged for a closer look. I couldn't help but have a crush on him from the day I met him.

When things with Steve did not go well, I really wanted to talk to him about it. But I also wanted to get to know him better. I called him one night, after school, not expecting him to pick up the phone as I never called him. He answered, and we easily fell into conversation.
"Are you hungry? Would you like some dinner?" were one of the first words out of his mouth. His compassion and caring knocked me off my feet.
And so, our friendship was formed and pretty soon, I found myself calling him every night, spending more and more time with him on the phone. Or I would go to his house and he would make me tea or hot chocolate. And we'd talk about everything. Hours would pass by like minutes.

"Every moment markedwith apparitions of your soul.I'm ever swiftly moving,trying to escape this desire,the yearning to be near you.I do what I have to do.The yearning to be near you.I do what I have to do."

I did everything I could to be near him. Slowly, we became best friends; he'd call me on his way home from work or we'd play games together online. At one point, things with Steve had spiraled out of control, and it was time to move out; he suggested I rent a room from him. Knowing my own desire for him had surpassed what it should, I openly showed little regard for the idea. I knew that if we lived together, my interest in him would only grow and I was afraid of that happening. But he blew down my defenses, and pretty soon, we were living together.

"And I have the sense to recognizethat I don't know how to let you go.I don't know how to let you go."

There was so much about him that was so similar to me that it was scary: we both loved computer games, we both had similar interest and knowledge in computers and how they worked, he was obsessed with Japanese art and architecture just as I was. He loved the same foods, drank similar drinks. What's more, he took care of me. I came home one day or woke up for work (can't recall which) and he had washed, dried, ironed, and hung up all of my clothing for me. He made the best steak on the planet. "Tasty steak" we always called it, was his specialty…

"A glowing ember, burning hot,and burning slow.Deep within, I'm shaken by the violenceof existing for only you."

We got along so well, it scared me. But there were problems. My last boyfriend had been afraid to be in public, and as a result, I had no friends of my own. My friends had been his friends. And when he and I had broken up, I had only one or two friends of my own-but they were married and had little time for me. My world revolved around him. I wanted to get out and go do things with him. But he kept encouraging to find other friends. I felt it was a way of him pushing me away, but in reality, he was merely giving me an opportunity to find myself.

But things aren't always as perfect as they seem. He had his issues, a "newsstand full" he would say. But he was perfect to me. I can honestly say that he made me feel content in a way that I've never felt before or since.

I forward again to the present, and he is sitting in front of me, trying to judge my reaction to his "news."
"I'm really surprised, hon."
"Yeah?" I didn't want him to say anything. I wanted for the news to catch up to me, so I'd have something intelligent to say. But I knew that my heart was taking it all in and drowning slowly.
"I know you've got to be really upset by this, but you're taking this all very well."
"Yeah well…" I choked back the emotion that was threatening to overtake me. "There's nothing I can do now." I said. "I have to support you and be happy for you now."

"I know I can't be with you.I do what I have to do.I know I can't be with you.I do what I have to do."

I did what I had to do-I congratulated him and tried to get to know a little more about his plans for his future life. We talked for a few more minutes, and to be honest, I cannot quite recall what was said. The totality, the weight, of what he had told me was sinking into my brain and my heart and I felt as though any moment I might break down and reveal the truth in my heart. But it had just about been an hour-the longest hour of my life-the hour that turned possibilities and hope into nothing more than the reality that my future was no longer tied to his. In that moment, I realized that a part of me had foolishly held on to the hope that one day we'd work it out-we'd start over, and be the people we used to be. We'd abandon our foolish pride and we'd make it work.

But that is merely the stuff of fairy tales. But still in my heart, there had always been room for him.

"And I have the sense to recognize But I don't know how to let you go.I don't know how to let you go."

My journey must continue onward without him. Gone are the long conversations with my best friend, the games played until the wee hours of the morning, the long walks with our dog. I hve been, in essence, replaced. So many emotions have floated around in my head; part of me felt as though I have failed somehow; I wasn't good enough and that's why he didn't pick me. The other part of me feels as though I had given my best and was wonderful, but never really loved.

I look back and am so grateful for our time together, but I'm also bitter and sad. There was so much in him that I loved. He brought out the best in me. But he also brought out some of the worst. I knew, as I know now, that it was time to move on-time to accept the inevitability of change. The undeniable fact that once again I wasn't what he wanted.

It wasn't supposed to be like this; this wasn't supposed to end up this way. What about me wasn't good enough? How could you turn away from a love as amazing as ours? I can see the look in his eye; he feels the same way. But he's tied to a different future because he made a mistake. But it's too late to go back.

You'd think I'd be able to shrug this all off; but I'm a person. And he was just so amazing to me. He gave me the fairy tale and reality and fit so well in my life that I cannot even begin to describe it. Even now, as I realize that I sound like a love-crazed fool, I remember the good times and realize why we fell in love in the first place.

But I loved him. Love, like so many things in this world, is often a victim, often succumbs to a death formed by our own decisions. Love dies, sometimes fading away like embers and sometimes burning itself out like a flame. And in that hour, that longest hour, I lost the love of my life forever.