The Power of Love

Okay, so if you're afraid of cheesie blogs, don't read this one. If, like me, there's a hidden romantic hidden in that heart of yours ... read on.
I am single. Lately, it seems that there's a stigma attached to that word. People have started to look at me funny when I say it. Almost as if they're asking themselves the silent question, what's wrong with her that she's not married yet? There's more to being single than having to check that box on all those stupid government / survey forms. Being single means being the odd one out at the movies-the one stuck in the middle of all the couples who want their space. Being single means not having a partner to sit on the ferris wheel with. Being single means that I'm on a journey, still searching.
It's difficult not to get a complex when dating. After you go through a certain number of dates you don't care for, you start to believe that it's just not out there; you're never going to find someone who makes your heart beat faster, takes the time to get to know you and who loves you for who you are. It's difficult not to believe that there's something wrong with you; you start to feel you're broken. Your friends tell you that you're too picky; you should stay with the person you have.
When I was with S, I spent years of my life almost satisfied. I had convinced myself that he was the best thing that was ever going to happen to me. And yet, I would often find my mind wandering to the idea of someone else-someone a little more romantic, a little more loving, a little ... different. When I first started spending time with J, I had hoped he'd convince me that staying with S was the right thing to do. Only, he had no idea the impact he would have on me.
Up until then, I was sure that I was the one making a mistake-it was my fault for keeping that part of myself hidden. For he had never truly understood me or taken the time to truly get to know and love me. I considered the idea that love was impossible. And then J changed my mind.
From our first meetings, we were just friends. There was no false hope or sentimental ideals in our getting together. We were simply two people and he was trying to help me make sense of my confused heart. But it wasn't so much what he said that turned my heart ... it was the little things that he did that turned the world I had known-upside down. He'd make me tea after a long evening at school, and it would be hot and ready for me when I got there.
It was the fact that he knew in his heart that such a little thing would be so welcome to me that impressed me. He didn't have to brag about himself or sell himself to me. He'd make me lunch for my next day, and without saying a word, would hand it to me on my way out the door.
"What's this?" I would ask. "I made you lunch." He'd say quietly, handing me a brown bag bulging with unknown items. He didn't brag about it or make a big deal. It was just something that he did because he had thought about me enough to do it.When he saw how stressed I was about things, he'd offer to talk to me or would make silly jokes to calm me down. He'd spend hours sitting with me, just to make me feel better.
Those little insignificant things made me realize that love was possible. Real love, the kind that lasts forever. It wasn't about what kind of car he drove or how much money he made. I loved him for who he was.
I loved his silly collection of Japanese swords and trinkets, his knowledge of computers, and the gentle way that he looked after me. Once, when we came back to the house that S and I shared, he saw it was in disarray. I had become disheartened and stopped doing the cleaning. Without my work, S hadn't done a thing. J was dressed up; he had come from work. He rolled up his sleeves, grabbed a washcloth, and helped me clean the entire house. He didn't ask for a thing in return. He simply marveled at the fact that S had not lifted a finger to help me. His act of complete kindness has never left my heart. Years later, I still look back upon those times and remember how easy it was to fall in love with him.
Lately, I have found myself discouraged with dating. Kindness in the way that J was seems to be a lost art, destined only for those lucky individuals who have managed to find love. But just as I am about to give up, I see love before me.
A friend of mine was married yesterday. I felt terrible before the wedding, and was determined not to go. My stomach felt sick, my head felt like a thousand horses trampling me, and yet I somehow pulled myself out of bed, grabbed an old dress, and made my way to her wedding. There, right before my eyes, I saw love again. Not fake, superficial love, but real love. I have gotten enormously good at reading lips for some reason. This comes to a point here in a second as I compose my thoughts ... I got to see everyone start to walk down the isle. Suddenly the triumphant sound of a wedding march started and I saw Sarah, a giant grin on her face, make her way down the isle. When she saw me, the single girl at the end of the isle, she smiled even wider. She proudly stepped forward and took her place next to her groom. At some point, as they stood before the pastor, he looked at her, took his hand in hers, and I could see his lips ask her, "Are you ready?" Such simple words, with such an incredible impact on me. It was as if there was no one else in the world there but two people who had eyes only for one another.
That, my friends, is true love. A simple act of putting the other person's happiness and well-being before your own or thinking of them in such a way as to care about them.
Unfortunately, I was originally going to go with someone. But I felt bad and didn't want him to have to drive so far at the last minute. But the truth of it all is, I think I was meant to go alone. Had I not gone alone, I would not have been able to listen as I did and my heart stilled by watching something so magical happen. I would have been too worried about my own thoughts or feelings to really listen to the sound of love.
Sometimes, when I watch a good movie or I see a wedding as powerful as this one was, I am reminded in the power of real love-and of the idea that in its true form, love is a most glorious, powerful thing. It doesn't matter how old you are, how young, how fat, how thin, how weak, or how strong. It doesn't matter what your friends say or what they don't say. All that matters is the fact that you have the admiration and adulation of that other person. God blesses such things.
I still see people who have the gift I am talking about. A certain someone made an impression on me a long time ago and I don't think I will ever forget it. It was such a simple act of kindness, that I know he will never know how much I appreciate him-even if he will never know I exist.
Some months back, a ... I guess I'll call him a friend, because if I say "co-worker" everyone will figure out who I'm talking about. A friend of mine was talking to me, and has always been very aloof but professional. There's nothing that could draw us together as we get very few opportunities to touch on personal subjects. There doesn't seem to be a place for that in our line of work. But sometimes I wish ...
Anyways, as we talked about one of my "clients" he said, "How does he treat you? Does he treat you okay?" in the way a big brother might ask his little sister. "He treats me all right." I think I managed to answer. I was simply taken aback by his question. It was the first time in a long time, that someone had asked about my well being. This went beyond the superficiality of everyday conversations or fake "how are yous?". This was about how I was being treated. Looking back, I wonder what he would have said if I had told him that he treated me poorly. Would he have defended me or done something to change how I was treated? That one question made a huge impact on me, and I don't think this person will ever have a clue that one question could make such a difference in my life. This person has since continued to amaze me in small ways. Though he will probably never realize that I exist, for reasons I have not yet articulated, he has managed to also make me remember what it is I am looking for in another person. Something so simple and yet so difficult to find.
The other thing is, a person so wonderful as this is often sought by others who might not be able to articulate their worth but find them valuable all the same. Often, those people are more beautiful than myself. It's a small chance to find someone such as this and actually have them like you as much as you do them. That is what makes love such a magical thing-so that when you do find it, you hold on to it, and don't let it go.
I believe that real love is possible. The kind that hopefully lasts longer than a couple of years when the feeling of "newness" wears off. The kind that makes your heart go pitter-patter and your feeling of love grow. People have often said that when you find the right person, you just know that it's right and I believe them. Love is possible. You just have to find someone who is ready for the magic to happen ...
I often pray that God gives me the strength to continue this journey I am on. I pray that he will help me find the right person so that I may be even happier in my life. Seeing others find love, including witnessing that miracle at my friend's wedding last night, is almost enough to keep me going. It's almost enough to remind me that love is worth waiting for. It's almost enough to know that I found love one time in my life, and it's almost enough to know that great things are possible. If only my heart could convince me that almost was good enough ... For I will never completely be satisfied with that.
To all of you still on that journey, I applaud you. I applaud your courage in waiting for the right person, and in not settling for just anyone who comes along. Good things come to those who wait, or so it is said, and I hope that you find the person who loves you and makes you happy. So when you find that person who treats you questionably, or makes you wonder what their motives are, who moves too fast, who moves too slow, who puts you down but claims they love you, remember that you deserve better. You deserve to go out on dates and have a good time. You deserve to be caught up in the passion of romance, even by someone who's not romantic. You deserve to be loved for all your flaws and strange quirks. You deserve to have someone amazing.
You deserve real love. You deserve to be happy, even if it is for a fleeting moment in time. Wait for it ... wait for it to scoop you up and show you its passion. Wait for it to make a believer out of you ... and to show you, even for a moment, that any dream in this life is possible.