Desensitization

I have been meaning to write something for a long time, but the days escape me and then pretty soon my brain is mush. It's not that I don't have a ton to think about (there are always ideas floating around in my head) but by the end of a long day, I cannot articulate myself as well as I would like.
To become desensitized (according to the dictionary) means to "make indifferent" or "reduce sensitivity to." This subject is difficult; on one hand, being desensitized means being able to handle things more easily, but on the other, makes me hardened, cold, and uncaring.
In my job, being desensitized is often encouraged. Remain "neutral" seemingly implies having no feelings one way or the other. But, in my opinion, it is almost impossible to see things or be involved in things that don't make you form an opinion.
Thus far in my life, I have chosen to be as naive as I possible can be. It's not because I don't realize the atrocities in the world, or even that I choose to ignore the truth. Rather, I try to keep myself believing for as long as possible, that there is still good in the world.
I am surprised to find myself growing (unavoidably) more desensitized as I get older. I saw gruesome pictures of an automobile accident a few months ago that, I must confess, will probably haunt me until the day I die. But then just today I saw some new pictures that were even more graphic, and they did not affect me as much as the previous ones had. I had suddenly become desensitized to it all.
In my life, being desensitized is what inevitably happens when you hear one story after the other that is really a bunch of BS. After a while, you automatically start questioning the stories that being to sound the same. It's a sort of process you go through much more quickly in my type of work when you interact with people on a daily basis. In the process of doing my job, I will have seen and done things that will cause me to be desensitized.
I have tried to remain as sensitive as I can, not because (as I said above) I choose to ignore things, but also because I believe that the worst thing a person can be is indifferent.
Elie Wiesel (an awesome author who wrote "Night") says:The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.I truly believe that he's right. The opposite of life is indifference.
Lately, I find myself desensitized to the point of disillusionment. I have begun my ascent perhaps, into true adulthood-that place where I realize that the world isn't some great Disney movie where everyone gets their happy endings and justice triumphs over evil.
The problem is, I have to go it all alone. I have to face my fears on a daily basis all alone. And I can do it; I can stand tall and be independent-not necessarily because I am that way naturally, but because circumstances force me to fend for myself. If I were not as driven and motivated as I am, I might have settled for less. Sometimes I have to fight "the good fight" for myself; I have to fight for the job I want, fight for the relationships I want, fight for those things I believe in. But at the end of the day, I don't have anyone to lean on who can tell me that it's all right, that I don't have to bear the burden alone. I am strong, I can do it all without complaint, but the real question here is, do I really want to?
The more independent I become, the more struggles I face, the more I find myself disillusioned and hard. I have become more and more the person who doesn't take crap from anyone. On one hand, it's a good thing (and I find myself congratulating myself even as I write this for being strong enough to stand up for what I believe in). But on the other hand, I stand up for what I believe in, I become desensitized, but at what cost?
One of my biggest fears is that I'll continue to go onward alone and it will make me hardened to the point of indifference. I don't want to face the world filled with an indifferent heart. I want to be filled with fresh enthusiasm, with unfailing optimism and spirit. I fear that if I don't find a way to turn back soon or am not rescued before it's too late, I will start a process I will be unable to stop.
Being sensitive has graced my life with so many benefits, I hate to lose out on that skill and talent completely. It has been a blessing to be able to empathize with others and see their points of view, allowing me to help them. Even better, by understanding their struggles and issues, I come to better understand the nature of the world, the nature of the human soul, and even my own nature.
The truth is, it also helps me to address and conquer so many elements of my past. It's easy to desensitize myself (after all that I have been through) and just let the past fade away. As more and more time goes by, the past starts to become nothing more than a story locked away in my heart-one that is difficult to think about yet alone write. Time goes by, and when I write it all down, the emotion, the feelings that I had can sometimes take a while to re-identify with. I find myself feeling ridiculous for even attempting to put my feelings to paper. "Get over it." I sometimes criticize myself. Get over it? Or am I merely telling myself that because I have become so desensitized that my story (as horrific as it was) doesn't seem to compare with the stories and lives of so many others also struggling?
And as a final note, it has also managed not to affect how I view relationships, which is probably a good thing. But because my "relationship" sense isn't becoming as desensitized as the rest of me, it would seem that I am outgoing (on the outside) when I am really still continuing to struggle with an element of shyness.
If there's someone I like, it's difficult for me to "put myself out there" without some type of indication that there is returned interest. It's difficult for me to just "go for it" and hope for the best-because as much as I might like to have a good relationship, I find myself painfully shy when it comes to asking guys out or initially telling a guy how I feel about him. Once he has made the first move (or moves) then I competely open up. But I can imagine that is why I have such a difficulty at first-because on the outside, it might appear difficult to get to know me.
My point in bringing all this up is that I am completely discouraged. I don't want to be desensitized. I want to believe the world is a big, bright place and that things are going to work out for the best. I want to believe the best in people, believe that there is good in most people. I want to believe.
Lately it seems like I have had so many things come up that I have started to feel numb to it all. All I feel like saying is, "what next?" I feel numb and feel like saying "whatever" as a way of handling it. I feel overwhelmed and disappointed, and completely disillusioned. I want to find a way back to the me that believed in all the positive things in the world, before that version of myself slips away and this person who has replaced me remains.
I want to be the person who isn't too shy to ask a guy out on a date, who isn't going to take crap from anyone, but who still believes in everything good. But I'm still shy, and that doesn't seem likely to change anytime soon. The one thing I've tried to hold onto, my ability to feel real feelings, is starting to fade away into the background of the reality of my life. Perhaps that girl, the one who thought in make believe, who always cared, will slip away and maybe I'll never get to be that girl again. I guess that girl is starting to grow up and I only pray that where I end up is anywhere but indifferent.