The Perfect Churro

In Search of The Perfect Churro--inspired by Denise a.k.a. "sugar and spice and everything nice."
I don't know about you, but finding a good churro is a difficult process.
Sometimes, you go to Costco and you get a churro there--because it's one of the only places you have seen churros. After all, where does everyone else find their churros?
You usually accept the churros you are given at Costco, no matter how bad they taste. You notice that there's not enough sugar on it, but you've already bought it, so you figure that the best thing you can do is keep eating it, hoping that it will eventually taste better. And you begin to doubt yourself. This is what a churro is supposed to taste like, you tell yourself. And yet, a part of you wishes for something more. A part of you wishes it was just a little bigger, a little hotter, had a little more sugar, had a little less sugar, or just was a little bit more satisfying and didn't leave you wanting something more.
There are times when the perfect thing comes from the most unexpected of places. When you buy a churro at say, El Pollo Loco, and you worry that with a name like "Crazy Chicken" the churro will reflect yet another poor choice you've made in food. Clearly, a place that specializes in chicken could not possibly make the best churro.
But sometimes, you are wrong. Sometimes, you fear the worst--but you buy the churro anyway. You reluctantly hand over your dollar and change, watching in horror as a quarter slips from your hand and falls to the ground-and now the churro that you were already doubting-cost more than you intended. You start to second-guess yourself. Is the churro going to be worth all the trouble?
You take a deep breath, and fish more change from your purse--hand it to the clerk, and wait patiently for what you expect will be yet another mundane experience. But it's not.
It didn't come in the best packaging and it didn't look like the best churro you'd ever seen-but you take a bite and in an instant, you realize that something you've never noticed before has suddenly become one of your favorite things. In that moment you take the bite, and then another, your expectations of what you thought it would be like melt away and complete satisfaction replaces all your worries and doubts.
You don't bother to notice your churro is smaller than the one you ate at Costco, or other churros you've eaten before ... you merely take the time to enjoy the experience for what it is. And suddenly, something on the menu that you've never noticed before, has become one of your favorite things.
The thing about is, it's really a great churro. It's just the way you like it-just hot enough, has enough sugar, and is crunchy on the outside and soft and chewy on the inside.
After you reluctantly finish your churro, you realize that now that you've had such an amazing churro, you can never again accept just any churro. Because now you know what a churro can be and how good it can taste when it's made right.
If you get a chance, find a good churro. Don't settle for too big or too small or too sweet or too hard. Find a good churro. You never know, you may just find something amazing in the "craziest" of places.

Difficult Steps (ie Letting Go)

Anyone who knows me knows that I am almost a contradiction of personalities at times. I am outgoing and love to laugh, but am shy when it comes to meeting new people or flirting with guys. While some people have the innate ability to shamelessly flirt with people, I sit back in the wings and wait for things or people to come to me.
It's a wonder that I ever had the success I did at meeting both S and J (you know who they are) because they pursued me and my laid-back style really worked for me. They got to have the chase they wanted, and I didn't have to come out of my shell to make a move on them.
Another thing that is difficult for me is to let go of things I've been holding onto-both physically and emotionally. Before I start to sound like a basket case who needs psychiatric help, let me explain because it's not what it sounds like.
I have pretty much lived out of a box since I was sixteen. Actually, when I was sixteen, I had nothing--I went into the care of social services without so much as even a change of clothes. The clothes they ended up getting us were too big and horrible looking. Shauna ended up losing her favorite stuffed dog, Whopper. I still think about that. She used to take it with her everywhere. But I guess he wasn't meant to accompany us on the next part of our journey.
When we finally managed to get our things, I held onto them because it was all I had. Every time we changed places, I had to pack up my stuff again and move. Everything else, everything too big to carry, and sometimes things that meant a lot to me, were left behind. At one point, Mom found out where we were staying (she was a good detective with things like that) and called us-threatening to burn all of our stuff.
So when I finally stayed at a place for a few months or more, I kept everything. Plus, with moving around so much, friendships were fleeting. I'd make a new friend, share a few memories, then move away again. Pictures we'd taken or things we'd done were lost ... and a part of me was lost with them and left behind.
I think that's part of the reason I've felt so strange having lived where I do now for so long. I think a part of me is afraid that if I let this stuff go, the memory will be lost forever. So I've kept momentos of my travels for the past 14 years. But I've reached the point in my life where ... it's time to let it all go. It's time to let go of the fears and insecurity I've had about keeping it and it's time to remember that the one thing that has always been with me this whole time is me. And I'm not going to lose that. Even if there are no pictures of family that ever adorn my walls or photographic proof of where I've been, I'll still remember and I'll still have me.
This all may sound like common sense, but most people seem to have only moved once or twice in their lives. They don't know what it's like to live out of a box every year or wonder when the next move is going to happen. But I do.
So I feel as though I've become a true adult because I've started to get rid of it all ... stuff I don't need, stuff in boxes, stuff I'll never use. I have decided that less is more. Less is more. My room right now is completely torn apart. If it doesn't have a direct purpose, it's going in the trash. I feel better already.
The second step I've made is that ... I finally let go of someone who I've loved for a long time.
You know, I always tell people not to burn bridges. You never know when you're going to need someone. So you should always treat them with respect and kindness. Always. And I have the tendency to appreciate good things and want to keep them in my life. The funny thing is, sometimes something appears to be good, but really, is actually hurting you.
So my ex boyfriend, who I was desperately in love with but broke my heart, keeps coming around. He buys things for me and ... I haven't had the heart or the will to tell him no. Worse, he has a girlfriend and a six month old baby at home.
He doesn't come around like he used to. There are no fake hugs or perfunctory niceties that you'd expect from a couple who broke up and stayed friends. He plopped himself in my office and proceeded to tell me that he knew where my new "assignment" at work was going to be. The thing is, I had been offered this assignment and hadn't made up my mind to accept it or not. It would come with a ton more responsibilities, dangers, and difficult hours. In thinking about this, I had to decide what it was going to do to me. If you know me, you know that this job already takes a difficult toll. What would happen to my soul if I were to accept the job? As cheesy as this sounds, I am at my best when I am loved and supported. It's difficult to negate stress when I come home to a lonely life. I don't know how to explain it... that's just the way it is. So if I were to accept the responsibility, that girl I know -- the old me who is still clinging on to the life of being sweet, slightly naive but kind--would be replaced by the girl who is hardened, realistic, and forever changed by the sights I've seen.
Anyways, so he tells me that he'll "put in a good word" and this and that... and the thing is--where was he when I was going through a difficult dating situation a year ago? Where was he when I had to move my stuff from his house when he cheated on me? Where was he when I struggled at my job and didn't know what to do? Where was his friendship then? And now he just acts like he can drop on by whenever he wishes and pretend that he's still my good friend. Well, I'm not a friend of convenience.
The old me, the one that still loves him, wanted to make sense of it all. Why would he be doing those things for me? For what purpose? The old me, the one who also wanted to maintain the friendship, felt --even in the smallest way--loved.
But the new me, the one who feels as though I deserve to be treated well is like, WHAT is this? What is he doing? Why try to be my friend once in a while? And why on earth does he think I still need his help or welcome his "good word" to someone else? A lot of people know what happened even though I've tried to make it not that big of a deal.
Well, what made up my mind is this: the other day, another one of my co-workers approached me and started telling me all the funny stories about him in his new life: about dealing and adjusting with the new baby he and his girlfriend have just had. And I realized something important: despite his pretense that we are still friends, I am missing out on the best part of a good friendship--the part where I get to be a part of his life too. I'm not a part of his life. I don't get to hear about the baby laughing for the first time or taking steps for the first time. I don't get to hear about how he feels about life or how he's dealing with being a new parent. All I get, is the "I'll put in a good word for you" sort of half-hearted friendship--a friendship based solely out of guilt. He feels guilty for what happened. He's told me so. He's told me "I'm trying to make things right." But the truth of it all is, he'll never make things right. I don't know, to be honest, if that's possible.
So ... gathering up my courage, I pushed away the person in my head telling me that I still wanted him around. A part of me still wants that interaction, even if it's unhealthy for me. How crazy is that?!? (don't answer). I wrote him an e-mail (I could have never done this in person) and told him that I didn't want his "help" anymore. I didn't want his friendship. I told him that given the circumstances, friendship wasn't possible. I wished him the best of luck with his new life. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and hit the SEND button.
He called me later that night--didn't leave a message. I'm lucky that I was at a friend's party or I would have been tempted to pick up the phone. I'm so glad I didn't have to hear it ring. I guess his lack of a message is clear enough: there's nothing more to be said. I'm right and he knows it. We could have wasted another two years being polite.
Anyways, it was a difficult step. It's difficult to let things and people go. But sometimes, you have to cut away the fat in your life in order to be healthier, happier, and stronger.
All I can say is that ... I feel proud because I know that I have made steps in a positive direction. I will miss my things and I will miss my "friendship" with J. But let's face it, a half-hearted friendship isn't a friendship at all, and things you aren't using are merely pieces of junk that clutter your life.
Sometimes, you have to let things go ... and give yourself permission to live again.

The Power of Love

Okay, so if you're afraid of cheesie blogs, don't read this one. If, like me, there's a hidden romantic hidden in that heart of yours ... read on.
I am single. Lately, it seems that there's a stigma attached to that word. People have started to look at me funny when I say it. Almost as if they're asking themselves the silent question, what's wrong with her that she's not married yet? There's more to being single than having to check that box on all those stupid government / survey forms. Being single means being the odd one out at the movies-the one stuck in the middle of all the couples who want their space. Being single means not having a partner to sit on the ferris wheel with. Being single means that I'm on a journey, still searching.
It's difficult not to get a complex when dating. After you go through a certain number of dates you don't care for, you start to believe that it's just not out there; you're never going to find someone who makes your heart beat faster, takes the time to get to know you and who loves you for who you are. It's difficult not to believe that there's something wrong with you; you start to feel you're broken. Your friends tell you that you're too picky; you should stay with the person you have.
When I was with S, I spent years of my life almost satisfied. I had convinced myself that he was the best thing that was ever going to happen to me. And yet, I would often find my mind wandering to the idea of someone else-someone a little more romantic, a little more loving, a little ... different. When I first started spending time with J, I had hoped he'd convince me that staying with S was the right thing to do. Only, he had no idea the impact he would have on me.
Up until then, I was sure that I was the one making a mistake-it was my fault for keeping that part of myself hidden. For he had never truly understood me or taken the time to truly get to know and love me. I considered the idea that love was impossible. And then J changed my mind.
From our first meetings, we were just friends. There was no false hope or sentimental ideals in our getting together. We were simply two people and he was trying to help me make sense of my confused heart. But it wasn't so much what he said that turned my heart ... it was the little things that he did that turned the world I had known-upside down. He'd make me tea after a long evening at school, and it would be hot and ready for me when I got there.
It was the fact that he knew in his heart that such a little thing would be so welcome to me that impressed me. He didn't have to brag about himself or sell himself to me. He'd make me lunch for my next day, and without saying a word, would hand it to me on my way out the door.
"What's this?" I would ask. "I made you lunch." He'd say quietly, handing me a brown bag bulging with unknown items. He didn't brag about it or make a big deal. It was just something that he did because he had thought about me enough to do it.When he saw how stressed I was about things, he'd offer to talk to me or would make silly jokes to calm me down. He'd spend hours sitting with me, just to make me feel better.
Those little insignificant things made me realize that love was possible. Real love, the kind that lasts forever. It wasn't about what kind of car he drove or how much money he made. I loved him for who he was.
I loved his silly collection of Japanese swords and trinkets, his knowledge of computers, and the gentle way that he looked after me. Once, when we came back to the house that S and I shared, he saw it was in disarray. I had become disheartened and stopped doing the cleaning. Without my work, S hadn't done a thing. J was dressed up; he had come from work. He rolled up his sleeves, grabbed a washcloth, and helped me clean the entire house. He didn't ask for a thing in return. He simply marveled at the fact that S had not lifted a finger to help me. His act of complete kindness has never left my heart. Years later, I still look back upon those times and remember how easy it was to fall in love with him.
Lately, I have found myself discouraged with dating. Kindness in the way that J was seems to be a lost art, destined only for those lucky individuals who have managed to find love. But just as I am about to give up, I see love before me.
A friend of mine was married yesterday. I felt terrible before the wedding, and was determined not to go. My stomach felt sick, my head felt like a thousand horses trampling me, and yet I somehow pulled myself out of bed, grabbed an old dress, and made my way to her wedding. There, right before my eyes, I saw love again. Not fake, superficial love, but real love. I have gotten enormously good at reading lips for some reason. This comes to a point here in a second as I compose my thoughts ... I got to see everyone start to walk down the isle. Suddenly the triumphant sound of a wedding march started and I saw Sarah, a giant grin on her face, make her way down the isle. When she saw me, the single girl at the end of the isle, she smiled even wider. She proudly stepped forward and took her place next to her groom. At some point, as they stood before the pastor, he looked at her, took his hand in hers, and I could see his lips ask her, "Are you ready?" Such simple words, with such an incredible impact on me. It was as if there was no one else in the world there but two people who had eyes only for one another.
That, my friends, is true love. A simple act of putting the other person's happiness and well-being before your own or thinking of them in such a way as to care about them.
Unfortunately, I was originally going to go with someone. But I felt bad and didn't want him to have to drive so far at the last minute. But the truth of it all is, I think I was meant to go alone. Had I not gone alone, I would not have been able to listen as I did and my heart stilled by watching something so magical happen. I would have been too worried about my own thoughts or feelings to really listen to the sound of love.
Sometimes, when I watch a good movie or I see a wedding as powerful as this one was, I am reminded in the power of real love-and of the idea that in its true form, love is a most glorious, powerful thing. It doesn't matter how old you are, how young, how fat, how thin, how weak, or how strong. It doesn't matter what your friends say or what they don't say. All that matters is the fact that you have the admiration and adulation of that other person. God blesses such things.
I still see people who have the gift I am talking about. A certain someone made an impression on me a long time ago and I don't think I will ever forget it. It was such a simple act of kindness, that I know he will never know how much I appreciate him-even if he will never know I exist.
Some months back, a ... I guess I'll call him a friend, because if I say "co-worker" everyone will figure out who I'm talking about. A friend of mine was talking to me, and has always been very aloof but professional. There's nothing that could draw us together as we get very few opportunities to touch on personal subjects. There doesn't seem to be a place for that in our line of work. But sometimes I wish ...
Anyways, as we talked about one of my "clients" he said, "How does he treat you? Does he treat you okay?" in the way a big brother might ask his little sister. "He treats me all right." I think I managed to answer. I was simply taken aback by his question. It was the first time in a long time, that someone had asked about my well being. This went beyond the superficiality of everyday conversations or fake "how are yous?". This was about how I was being treated. Looking back, I wonder what he would have said if I had told him that he treated me poorly. Would he have defended me or done something to change how I was treated? That one question made a huge impact on me, and I don't think this person will ever have a clue that one question could make such a difference in my life. This person has since continued to amaze me in small ways. Though he will probably never realize that I exist, for reasons I have not yet articulated, he has managed to also make me remember what it is I am looking for in another person. Something so simple and yet so difficult to find.
The other thing is, a person so wonderful as this is often sought by others who might not be able to articulate their worth but find them valuable all the same. Often, those people are more beautiful than myself. It's a small chance to find someone such as this and actually have them like you as much as you do them. That is what makes love such a magical thing-so that when you do find it, you hold on to it, and don't let it go.
I believe that real love is possible. The kind that hopefully lasts longer than a couple of years when the feeling of "newness" wears off. The kind that makes your heart go pitter-patter and your feeling of love grow. People have often said that when you find the right person, you just know that it's right and I believe them. Love is possible. You just have to find someone who is ready for the magic to happen ...
I often pray that God gives me the strength to continue this journey I am on. I pray that he will help me find the right person so that I may be even happier in my life. Seeing others find love, including witnessing that miracle at my friend's wedding last night, is almost enough to keep me going. It's almost enough to remind me that love is worth waiting for. It's almost enough to know that I found love one time in my life, and it's almost enough to know that great things are possible. If only my heart could convince me that almost was good enough ... For I will never completely be satisfied with that.
To all of you still on that journey, I applaud you. I applaud your courage in waiting for the right person, and in not settling for just anyone who comes along. Good things come to those who wait, or so it is said, and I hope that you find the person who loves you and makes you happy. So when you find that person who treats you questionably, or makes you wonder what their motives are, who moves too fast, who moves too slow, who puts you down but claims they love you, remember that you deserve better. You deserve to go out on dates and have a good time. You deserve to be caught up in the passion of romance, even by someone who's not romantic. You deserve to be loved for all your flaws and strange quirks. You deserve to have someone amazing.
You deserve real love. You deserve to be happy, even if it is for a fleeting moment in time. Wait for it ... wait for it to scoop you up and show you its passion. Wait for it to make a believer out of you ... and to show you, even for a moment, that any dream in this life is possible.

What I Want!

Everyone has been asking me this question lately. So I thought I would take a moment out and put this to rest once and for all. Yes, I am still single ... still searching for that person who is going to add something wonderful to my life.

I am happy being alone. I don't need someone to make my life complete. My life is complete. However, there are so many things I would like to share with someone, so many things I could offer and bring to a relationship.

It seems like there are so many things that you can't do alone... or you can do them alone, but the experience just isn't the same. Like going to the movies. Sure, you can sit in the air conditioned room all by yourself, but it's much more fun when shared with another person. That's how I feel about life and relationships. It's okay by itself, but it's so much more enjoyable with someone else.

With that in mind ... here's an estimate of what I want. No one is going to fit in a little box of my expectations. That's why you won't see me talking about looks or any of that. I don't care what you look like. I care who you are. When we die ... no one is going to care what you look like. All you are going to leave behind is the memory of the person you were and the legacy of the things you did.

So here we go: I want someone who can make me laugh. Someone who will laugh at my silly jokes and someone with a good sense of humor. I don't mean someone who likes to make fun of other people. I don't find that kind of humor funny. It's different if you point out absurdities in people in general, but I don't like putting down people. It's not fun.

I want someone who is nice to me, who acts like a gentleman. They open doors because they want to, because it's in their nature, not because they know it will score points with me.
It would be nice to have someone who takes care of me the way I take care of them. If they've had a long day, I have been known to whip up a great dinner and finish it with a day of pampering him. I would love the same in return.

I would love to find someone who understands me, who I could talk to, who takes the time out to get to know the things I like and what I'm interested in. I'd appreciate the person who could help me work out problems I have without passing judgement or telling me how many ways I did it wrong. I want someone who's solution-oriented and not blame-oriented.

I want someone with confidence --someone who knows what they want and isn't afraid to go after it. Someone who is happy with themselves but always striving to be a better person. Someone who isn't afraid to tell you they're sorry or that they've made a mistake.

I want someone who doesn't give in to everything I want, and someone who has an opinion of their own. It is so refreshing to meet a guy on a date who already knows where he plans to take you. I can find something to eat at any restaurant-just pick a place, and let's check it out together.

I want someone who is kind to others and who is kind to me. I don't want someone who puts me down-even if we are disagreeing with each other. I want to know I can tell him anything and he will still love and respect me.

I want someone who likes animals-especially dogs. I want someone who isn't afraid to do a little cleaning once in a while and knows how to clean up after himself.

I want someone who's honest, who can tell me the truth, and someone who is loyal. Trust is important. I need someone as commited to me as I will be to them. I don't ever want to have to question my faith or my trust in the other person.

I'd really like to have someone I could talk to about things; someone who is interesting, who actually knows what's going on in the world or has something to say. It's always amazing to me when I meet someone who's intelliegent and pays attention to issues and likes to talk about them, or even someone who likes to ponder "what ifs".

Finally, I need someone who isn't stupidly superficial. We're all superficial to a point. Someone down to earth, easy to talk to, who knows that there is more to life than "things" and "money."
I'm sure I have more stuff... but that's all I'll say for now. Perhaps I'll add more to it as I think about it.

Meanwhile, I figure it's only fair to tell you what I have to offer. I mean, life is short, right? Sometimes we don't give each other the opportunities we need to show each other how great we are.

So here goes: I'm the kind of girl who would drive 100 miles to bring you soup if you were sick. I'm the kind of girl who would listen to you talk for hours if you were having a problem.
I'm the kind of girl that would wake up early to drive you to the airport, without complaint. I'm the kind of girl who would jump in the car with you and go on an overnight adventure to just about anywhere.
I'm the kind of girl who likes the cheesy walks on the beach and looking at sunsets. I have been known to stare up into the constellations a time or two looking for that falling star ... I am the kind of girl who loves romance and loves everything that comes along with that (yes, even sex)...
I love sweet things, but not necessarily chocolate. I love animals, but not cats. I drive a fast car, but try to stay safe all the same ... I love to laugh, love to have fun, and love to be silly a time or two.

I love kids and plan to be a great parent someday. But I don't want a "baby's daddy" or a one night stand to get one. I want someone who is as committed, caring, and ready as I am (preferrably after marriage)...

That's who I am. That's what I have to offer. That's what I'm looking for.I hope that I eventually find someone who is interested in continuing this journey with me ... and maybe we can sail together on this silly ocean we call Life.

Cheers and hugs to you all!

Rehab

Since when did it become trendy to go to rehab? It seems like everyone is doing it these days from Spears and Winehouse to Wilson. Even people I know are coming and going into rehab. There are even songs about going to rehab and it's played on the local popular radio stations at least once a day!
What bothers me the most is that it's become so commonplace that people talk about it as if it were an everyday occurrance and nothing out of the ordinary. "What have you been up to?" Answer: "I went to rehab, I blah blah blah." Worse, we are actually expected as a society to embrace it and congratulate those who go as if it is a step in a positive direction.
But since when have we become a society that looks up to, or idealizes, addictions and the necessity of going to rehab? What happened? Are people really so bored with their mundane lives that they need to be broken in order to feel alive?
How can we encourage our children, our family, our neighbors, our friends that these are bad things when it's depicted in such a way by the local media?
We scoff and laugh at people like Paris Hilton who "can't make it" in jail, but we forget the point: she went to jail for breaking the law! And by focusing on her as much as we do, we are sending a message that lets everyone know that negative behavior will get you more attention. Drinking will get you attention, but drinking in excess will get you more. Breaking the law will get you attention, but breaking the law and making a scene will give you more.
It's strange to think that instead of focusing on the problem, we actually encourage it. Suddenly, it's the new thing, like the pair of sunglasses that "everyone is getting."
Now just to clarify, I am not desparaging normal people who suffer from addictions and use rehab to their benefit. I am merely noting that suddenly, people going to "rehab" has suddenly become like an epidemic and is getting out of control.
Maybe we should focus on showing more of how dangerous addictions are to the public, rather than idealizing a life in excess. Maybe then, we won't appear hypocritical to our children because we will lead by example and won't just do what's "trendy" but we'll actually do what's right.