To Thine Own Self Be True

I've noticed a trend lately in the things I've been writing. When I first started this blog, I just wanted to put random thoughts down on paper ... the funny thing is, I keep a journal, write a blog, and work on my novel all at the same time. Somehow, the original idea of what this blog was meant to be has gotten lost over the last two years and has, instead, focused a lot more on relationships / love. This has a lot to do with the fact that of all the things I write, the ones that get the most feedback always happens to be ones I write about relationships, love, trust, whatever. People write to me from all over the US (don't ask me how they found my blog-but whatever) and strike up a conversation with me.
Usually, I end up hearing their tale-whatever it may be-and it sparks within me inspiration for my next blog topic.
Recently, a friend asked me to write about unrequited love, and the topic is an especially difficult one for me to talk about-for many reasons. My point in telling you the fact that the meaning of my "blog" has somehow gotten lost over the past two years is not because I regret that-going off the "path" is sometimes an integral part of anyone's journey. However, what is especially interesting is that, my heart started out in the right place when I set out to write these blogs. I wanted a place I could just "let it all out" and there was (at least in the beginning) a sense of anonymity, where I could write with reckless abandon and my heart wasn't really too invested in the idea of adding "friends" to my pages-so I didn't have to worry about hurting anyone.
What's ironic about the topic my friend asked me to write about is that unrequited love is a circumstance that, I feel, starts out much the same way as I started out with this blog.
Unrequited love, quite simply put is love that is not returned to the other individual. But I dislike using the word "requited" because it is, essentially, another way to say "returned." So, for the purposes of this blog, unreturned love has to start somewhere.
It usually starts in the heart of one person who is interested in another person for whatever reason. Now, before I continue, I would like to differentiate between scary unreturned love and normal unreturned love (is there such a thing?) … Anyways, I am purposely excluding those individuals who take unreturned love to levels that includes (but is not limited to) stalking, violence, and extreme vindictive behavior.
So it starts with interest. But what defines interest? Some would argue that "interest" is little more than chemicals in the brain that cause us to be attracted to another individual. It is those little chemical signals given off by the brain that cause us to seek out certain people and not others. Personally, I think it is a combination of many things.
The truth is, I can't explain why some people are attracted to other people for no inexplicable reason. I can't explain what causes someone who promised they loved you one minute, only to ignore you the next. I can't explain why someone would talk about marriage in one breath only to complete stop talking to you the next.
There are some things in life that just don't make sense, no matter how much we want them to. We want to find a way of explaining things to soothe our hearts when we feel lost and alone. It's so hard to find someone we connect with (because it's so rare these days) only to discover that they have no interest in you or don't return the level of interest you have in them.
The only explanation that I can offer in circumstances like these is one. Perhaps this explanation will not soothe your heart (you know who you are) and perhaps it can't fix what's already been broken. But the truth always wants to be found, and perhaps this idea is something to consider …
I think what happens is that when we begin to like someone, for whatever reason, we begin to idealize them-place them up on a pedestal where they are impervious to being human. What I mean is, we have somehow made them god-like in our minds without realizing it. Until we can take off those rose-colored glasses, we can't truly see the person in front of us. We want to believe the best in them-so we give them the benefit of the doubt even to our detriment.
I have myself done this a thousand times. When I'm interested in someone, I forget about all the bad habits I see them displaying because I'm so busy picturing how wonderful they are in my head. Don't think I'm crazy; I'm sure that other people do this too. You know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. In the beginning, we want to believe that they like us back-so our heart fills in all of the little questions we ask ourselves about their character, their judgements, and their personality.
So when they ditch us after promising us the world, we can't figure out why and we're left hanging only to ask ourselves, "what happened?"
Worse, there's a feeling of loss that often accompanies these feelings because we feel as though we are losing something special, something that meant something to us. What becomes readily apparent is that these feelings that we had are clearly not shared by the other person because otherwise, they wouldn't treat us that way. At least, that's what we tell ourselves anyway.
I think the main reason I fell in love with J (and really felt he fell in love with me) is because when we first met, there was no need to think about each other in an idealistic way. We accepted each other because we were both taken at the time. Yet years later, when I sought his advice, I noticed something that I think is key …
When two people fall in love, they go through the same "rose colored glasses" stage. They idealize each other and then, when the feeling wears off, realize that they still love one another. But what happens when they idealize one another, it wears off, and they realize that it's not a good fit? Someone is bound to get hurt …
It just sucks when that person getting hurt turns out to be you. It sucks to have invested your heart and your time and your whatever into a person that will never return how you feel.
This has also happened to me a time or two; I think it happens to all of us. Everyone gets their heart trampled on, stepped on, and sometimes broken. No one is exempt to getting hurt unless they never open their heart up in the first place.
But if you don't open your heart, you'll never be willing to let someone wonderful, faithful, reliable, honest, etc. inside. But at the same time, if you just openly give your heart to each person who promises you the world, you'll run the risk of getting cut open like a fish fillet.
So what is the ultimate answer? I don't know … I do know that you deserve to be loved. You deserve to have someone who appreciates you and knows what they have is great. I've said this a million times, I know, but you should never have to convince someone of how great you are.
Either you're great, or you're not. The right person is going to think you're great and isn't going to let you go no matter what.
One thing I've often seen is how many excuses we give other people when we don't want to date them. "I'm really busy" or "I'm not ready for a relationship" or "I don't know what I want." Etc. etc. While those things may be true, there is one thing I know to be true.
If I wanted my favorite ice cream, and I knew I wanted it, and I knew it wasn't in the freezer, I would go and get it. I probably wouldn't let the cost hold me back, or how much time it took me to get to the store to get it. I certainly wouldn't be (too) annoyed to stand in line and wait as the cashier rang me up. Why? Because it's something that I really wanted. Put whatever it is you've really wanted into the sentence. Computer. T.V. Whatever. My point simply is that if you want something badly enough, nothing is going to stand in your way.
It's like the girl (or guy) that you perceive to be too "shy" or too whatever to ask you out on a date. I've heard one friend in particular (and yes, even myself a time or two) say over and over again how she has to ask guys out because they are too shy to approach her. But the truth of it all is this … (and the truth sometimes hurts) … if he liked you as much as you liked him, he wouldn't let anything stand in his way of asking you out.
Because real life is about finding someone wonderful to spend your time with. Real life isn't what we see on television. Real life means that you could die tomorrow. And if you died tomorrow, would you be happy with what or who you have right now? Because if not, then you'd go out and get whatever it was or whomever it was that you thought even had a possible chance of making you happy.
So that's how I feel about this. It's a tough subject because I'm personally terrible at decoding interest. It's always so much easier to give advice than to take my own …
But anyways, I just want you to know that there is someone out there who is going to love and appreciate you. You won't have to decode them or figure out what their secret word is or why they've abandoned you or why they aren't speaking to you or whatever. If you are dealing with that, my only advice is to try and let them go so you can make room in your life for someone better.
I know it's difficult to let someone you love, someone whom you've shared your dreams with, go. I know because I've been there; it took me 2 years to get over J. But in the end, perhaps instead of focusing on what you don't have with them, maybe it's time to focus on what you do have within yourself. Perhaps instead of looking at the love you are missing out on, you should spend time to know and love yourself.
A good healthy relationship starts from the inside out. When you love yourself, you can love another person. I think that Shakespeare said it best when he said, "To thine own self be true …"

Why We Are Attracted To Broken

On some levels, we are all broken. We all let the things in our lives affect us, our pasts, our experiences, our friends, our families, our biases, our filters, our prejudices, etc. In truth, we are all to some extent a product of our environments!
In our everyday lives, we have the opportunities to interact with people who, like ourselves, have been broken. Some people take the things that happen to them, and take time to reflect, time to adjust themselves, and regroup back to center. Those people have an internal "compass" that eventually points back to their True North. These people don't let their past hurts color their lives or their future. They have the unique ability to be able to learn from the past, and forgive themselves and others, and move on.
For everyone else, however, life is a constant journey toward reaching that True North, that center. I think that many people search their whole lives to find happiness, but they reach for it, only to find themselves just short of it time after time.
One thing I have noticed in talking to people, is just how many broken people really are out there. In your lifetime, especially depending on what you do for your career, you'll probably come across plenty of broken people. If you're good at reading body language, you'll be able to see it in the way they carry themselves, or that faraway distant look in their eyes. But often, we can't tell when people are broken.
So when we get into a relationship with them, we often find ourselves slowly drifting away from "healthy" and into unhealthy without even realizing it.
Sometimes, when we find ourselves in an unhealthy relationship, we often wonder exactly how it is we got there. It didn't start out unhealthy, right? I think we tend to blame ourselves and our own shortcomings (at first) for the reason that things aren't going the way we think they should. So we try harder or we stick around longer, or just the opposite, we give up too early and we run away. The question really comes down to: how do I know I'm in an unhealthy relationship and what can I do about it?
I would, unfortunately argue, that people prefer to stay in an unhealthy broken relationship—but I'll get to that shortly. I think that there are some tell-tale signs when you're in a relationship that's not healthy. In the end, it's up to you to decide when to stay and when to go. But here are some things that I've seen from observing other couples and from past experiences. This stuff is just my opinion. I'm not a doctor; I have no formal training and I certainly don't profess to be an expert or know anything more than the common person. I just observe things and this is what I have seen or witnessed. So take it with a grain of salt if you wish, I won't be offended.
Signs of "Unhealthy":
Demeaning ArgumentsLet's face it, everyone has disagreements—every relationships goes through moments of discourse and unhappiness. I would argue that it's normal to argue! :P It's normal to have a difference in opinion or to not agree on everything. When you need to recognize it's unhealthy is when the other person (or when YOU) put someone down while you're arguing. Now, if you do this in every argument, then you might need to look at yourself and look at how you communicate with other people. But that's too much to look at right now. I should also mention that there are "levels" of healthy (and who's to say in the end how healthy it has to be or what really is healthy. But I can help you determine for yourself how to tell the difference, even if the wording is different). Here's an example of a healthy vs. unhealthy argument.
Let me set the scenario up for you: You and your boyfriend are supposed to go out to dinner. He promised. He's promised you a "date night" for weeks. Of course, given your busy schedules, it has to be after work. But the day comes and he calls you and asks you if he can go get a drink with the guys instead. Here's how it all plays out …
Healthy Argument:You: You really pissed me off today. Them: Why? What did I do?You: Well, I'm upset because you promised that you would take me out to dinner tonight, and you blew me off to go have a drink with the guys and now it's too late to go out.Them: But you said it was okay.You: I know, but I figured you be back in time and … blah blah blah.
Now, one thing you'll notice immediately is that this is more like an interaction than an argument. There's a vital component that's missing from the above conversation and why (in my opinion) things aren't escalating. Now, let's take a look at an unhealthy conversation (same topic).
Unhealthy:You: You are such an ass! You promised me that you'd take me out to dinner. But you forgot!Them: I'm not an ass! I just wanted to have a drink with the guys! I don't see what the big deal is! Why are you getting so upset?You: Because you promised to take me out for weeks! We never go out anymore and it pisses me off when you say you're going to do something and don't do it! You're just so insensitive!Them: Look, I've had a long day, I was tired, and I just forgot, okay?You: That's the problem, you're always forgetting … blah blah blah…Them: Why are you being such a bitch?
Okay, so whenever I'm in a relationship, I really try to pay attention to how they are interacting with me when we argue or disagree. Are they willing to discuss the problem rationally and not make it a personal attack? Because that's a bad (bad) sign. The reason that I think that arguments sometimes escalate into something unhealthy is because one person tends to attack the other person. Look at the unhealthy conversation above. You'll notice that at some point, one person started calling the other person an "ass" which made the other person instantly defensive.
Anyways, I guess my ultimate point is simply that, when you are in an unhealthy relationship, things are eventually going to blow up out of control, no matter what.
The biggest way to tell if you're in an unhappy relationship is to ask yourselves how you feel about yourself when you're with them. Do they make you feel good about yourself? If you can't be honest with them (big red flag), you walk away feeling drained, or you find yourself wanting more and more time away from them, these are all indicators of a bad relationship. This doesn't necessarily mean it has to be a romantic relationship. You can have an unhealthy relationship with a neighbor, friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever. It doesn't really matter.
What matters is, a good person will try to lift you up, support you, make you feel good about yourself, challenge you (in a good way), encourage you, etc. They'll make you want for more, just being around them. They have a way of making you feel good about yourself, and enjoying their company. If you aren't having things go the way you want them to go, then sometimes you must stop and take a look around, and ask yourself why.
Now here's the saddest part (in my opinion). I think if you gave people a choice between choosing a broken relationship and choosing a healthy one, they'd inadvertently choose the unhealthy one every single time. And here's why… because people (whether they realize it or not) would rather be broken. I've touched on this before, but let's take a look closer, okay?
What's the difference between someone who's crazy, and someone who's normal? Okay, crazy is unpredictable. Imagine crazy is like a roller coaster ride: you can never predict what's going to happen next with that person. Therefore, crazy is more exciting because you will experience higher highs and lower lows with crazy. If you don't know what to expect, it instantly beckons that side of you that craves change and unpredictability. That side of you convinces yourself that there is something "special" or "different" about this person, and you're right. I've heard this said a MILLION times. The person will always tell me, "there was just something about this person that I couldn't quite put my finger on …" and later as they lay with their heart in the gutter, wondering what it all means, I'm reflecting on the fact that yet another person has confirmed what I already know: that person that they couldn't quite put their fingers on, was crazy! They just didn't realize it!
You see, crazy is fun at first! Exciting even! It's exciting when you meet someone who is different than you, and yet perhaps a little bit like you-or a little bit of what or whom you'd like yourself to be! If we see someone who, for example, takes all these crazy risks, we'll find ourselves attracted to them because the people we often choose as our partners are a direct reflection of how we see ourselves! Or rather, how we'd like to see ourselves!
Anyways, on the opposite end of the spectrum, are "normal" people. Normal people (although can you really define normal?) are the ones who are stable, have good jobs (or whatever) and minimal drama. These people are consistent, they are like the tea cup ride at the local theme park. While their lives are constantly spinning around them, they stay in one place. They don't go up, they don't go down, they just turn with the environment. Therefore, they're not as exciting! Therefore, they are boring to some. Thus, you'll find a longer line for that roller coaster than you will for the tea cup ride! It's just human nature to want to find that bigger roller coaster, that bigger thrill, that person with the unique qualities that we "can't put our finger on." But here's the think, those people are broken!
The other reason that people prefer to have someone broken in their life is because broken is more newsworthy. Let me explain. If you were to watch the news every night, and it was always about people saving the world, or wonderful things happening, you'd stop watching the news, right? That's the same thing in relationships. Bad news is more newsworthy. Therefore, when someone's in a crappy relationship, it gives them something to talk about with all their friends. It gets them more attention, more compassion, more … whatever! So few people truly are happy these days, but when you find a couple that's truly happy-everyone seems to resent them!
The other reason that the above is true is because … If you find someone normal, someone wonderful, it takes everything you've previously thought about relationships and it changes it. It's like living 20 years of your life and wasting it on terrible people, people you didn't connect with, people you were merely physically attracted to, etc. You see, if you find someone wonderful and all you've had is broken, your whole past doesn't make sense anymore, it was like you wasted all that time with the wrong people. Worse, being with someone wonderful permanently changes how you feel about relationships … suddenly, you start to expect more things from someone. You start to want that same treatment from every relationship. You raise your expectations.
Another reason that I believe people prefer someone broken in their life is because as long as they're in an unhealthy relationship, it allows them never to look inside themselves or make changes in their life! It let's you stay the same, you never have to grow as a person. It's like always looking for someone who's physically attractive, and forgetting about what kind of personality they might have. Would it surprise you if they ended up being a terrible person inside? It shouldn't … Again, like I've said before, people look for people who are a reflection of how they feel about themselves. People who only look for "physical attractiveness" and don't care as much about personality, are they themselves self-conscious about how they look. They want to find someone pretty (handsome) so that they can feel better about themselves. Because if they were ugly, most people wouldn't know that they had a wonderful personality until you got to know them. Some people just can't get past what other people look like. They don't seem to care that life isn't about what you look like, it's about how you feel about yourself. They link physical beauty with inner beauty … but that's another blog for another day. My point is simply that by not looking outside the "box" it allows people to stay in their comfort zone, never challenging themselves to grow or be a better person. I think that people are afraid to think outside the box, they're afraid to be alone (yet another reason I could add but won't), or just don't know what they want. So it's easier to stay the same, and stay with that person.
Finally, I think that people prefer to have someone broken, or to remain in an unhealthy relationship, simply because they don't know what normal looks like. They don't know what having a healthy relationship looks like. There is someone I know whom I think is a wonderful, amazing person. One of these days, I am hoping he realizes that he deserves so much more than what he's getting now from his life. The problem is, he gets into unhealthy relationship after unhealthy relationship and can't ever seem to figure out why. As the years have passed, he continues to remain the same, and never truly finds happiness. Meanwhile, really great women (whom I think he'd do so well with) he passes by. The thing is, I have begun to realize that he probably doesn't even know what healthy is! I don't think he would realize a good thing if it bit him in the ass! And that's sad because … he might miss out on someone amazing all because he continues to look at broken as being normal and okay. But it's not. I don't care how beautiful someone is or how physically attractive they are… in the end, it doesn't make up for them being crazy or them treating you poorly. It just doesn't.
Personally, this subject really hits close to home because … I have gone through a lot in my life-stuff I've worked hard to overcome. You know, I used to get freaked out whenever anyone would come behind me and just touch me on the shoulder. I would flinch if someone came to close to me, and I'd back away. I worked on these issues, and I faced my fears, one by one. Sometimes, I'd ruin potential relationships because of it, or I'd allow my past fears and shortcomings to determine how I'd react in any given situation. But one by one, I faced those things and I've come a long way. But sometimes I feel as though I've worked hard to put those things behind me, only to be passed by because I've got my life together (for the most part). Like I said above, it seems as though people would rather have broken. They'd rather have the girl who has drama (or creates it) or the girl who gives them the roller coaster ride through crazy town. They treat them like crap and ruin potentially great guys by treating them like garbage. Meanwhile, someone like me, who wants and knows what great looks like, who knows a good thing when she sees it, has to side on the side lines and wait for them to even notice me or give me the opportunity to show them what they're missing out on. But the truth is, you shouldn't have to convince someone how great you are. They should be able to see it ... but they don't, because they're used to broken. Maybe (a friend offered this one to me) they think that you're too good to be true and won't give you a chance. So that's what I'm constantly dealing with ... and still waiting for the guy who knows a good thing when he sees it and wants similar things...
I've been waiting for a lonnng time. I'm not complaining; I'd rather wait a lifetime to find someone great than to disillusion myself in finding someone crappy. The truth of it all is, I can't handle getting hurt too many more times; my heart is too sensitive and fragile. But I see how things work, and disappoints me. I try to make sense of why a perfectly good guy would rather stay with "crazy girl" than be with someone like me, and I can't figure it out. Many of my friends ask the same questions, and I can't answer them.
Ultimately, you have a decision to make. You get to decide what makes you happy and what doesn't. But I pray, for your sake, that you pick happiness. Find whatever it is that makes you happy, and do it. Don't settle for sort-of happy (my guy friend told me that the other day), don't settle for "slightly miserable" and don't settle for less than something or someone great. Believe me, they're out there and you will find them! And even if you don't, don't worry.
My final thought is this: a great wise teacher said something to me once and I've applied it to life. I was plugging a formula I'd learned in math into this problem. No matter how many different ways I tried to attack the problem, it didn't work. Nothing seemed to work. I was so freakin frustrated that I wanted to rip up the paper and never touch math again (ugh! I hated that subject)… but when I went back to my teach and he saw all the eraser marks on my paper, he took a look at all the things I'd tried and said, "If you find a formula that isn't working right, stop using it. Don't try it again on another problem, figure out a formula that works, and then try it until you get it right. When you do it right, it should be easy."
In a nutshell, when it's the right thing to do, it should come relatively easily. It shouldn't be that difficult. Relationships don't have to be difficult, especially at the beginning. So if you find that you are putting in a lot of effort with very little result, perhaps you should take a step back, and ask yourself if you are using the right formula, or if you're with the right person.
It's okay to admit defeat; it's okay to move on, and it's okay not to be perfect. After all, it's just math. It's just the rest of your life and a few eraser marks on the paper of your life won't matter when you've gotten the answer or the person right.

My Favorite Words

There is so much I want to say but can't ... at least, not yet. So I was thinking about some of my favorite words. Words can be fun ... at least, I think so. Words have the power to hurt or to heal, to start and end wars, to break and to fix. Nothing else has that much power.
With that said, here are some of my favorite words and their meanings.

Transcend : to rise above or go beyond ... This word makes me feel like there's always a possibility of going to the next step, rising to the next level, going forward-without looking back.

Peace: a state of tranquillity or serenity ...Makes me think of harmony (also a good word); would say it's like a state of non-movement. A sort of unambivalent freedom.

Embolden : to make bold or bolder; hearten, encourageTo me, this feels like giving strength to something. To make it stronger. Stronger is almost always better.

Create : to cause into being, or to evolveThis is a really powerful word, don't you think? It's like nothing has suddenly become something. To create is to give power, to grow something, to become something, to make something new.

Dishearten: To shake or destroy the courage or resolution of; dispiritThis is such a strong, meaningful word. When taken literally dis-to take away from, the heart. It's almost like to discourage, to hurt.

These are a few of my favorite words. What are yours?

Celebrity: Gossip, Insight, or Crap?

This isn't a trick question. How much money do you think gets made every single day from selling celbrity gossip? You probably guessed it--millions, billions ... a lot. I read a statistic somewhere, but can't find it now. My point is simply that people like to gossip! They like celebrities and like to follow their lives because something about that celebrity sparks their interest. Perhaps they are intrigued by their looks, their attitudes, or whatever. Whatever it is that compels millions of Americans (I'm strictly speaking USA for the moment) to follow along with their favorite celebrity ends up reaping millions of dollars in profits. Even though I'm stressing the money part, it's not really the fact that we are dumping money down the drain that I want to talk about.
It's the celebrity (celeb) that I want to talk about. What is beginning to bother me is how much press time we actually give these so-called "stars" whenever something happens in their life that we consider "newsworthy." Lately, newsworthy items seem to be bad news tidbits or gossip about their sad, sorry lives. And I admit, I get sucked into it when I hear my friends say, "Oh did you hear about so-and-so" or "who is dating whom?" Because it's fascinating to see from one moment to the next who these people run to.
While it's fascinating, I'm really concerned with the fact that these are celebrities. These are people who are acting (or singing) or whatever. They are putting on a performance or projecting only the characters of themselves! They aren't showing us who they really are. They are people whose real personas sometimes get buried underneath the pressure and expectations of being a star. They always have to appear "happy" or like they own the world or else they are focused in even more by the press (take for example the reaction by the press when Russell Crowe threw a telephone at someone) ... And pretty soon, they are being picked apart piece by piece. So in all reality, they aren't allowed to have a bad day.
Ultimately, it also concerns me that we (inadvertently) encourage children and other people not only to look up to these people, but that by emulating their behaivor, we will be more like them, or at the very least, more famous. But we should really be asking ourselves why it is we put these people on a pedestal when they are real people like you and me.
These people get airbrushed to improve their skin (Cameron Diaz has notoriously bad skin / acne scars) and their photos "improved" with editing software to make them look tanner, more attractive, and thinner. So why is it that we make ourselves try and look like something that's not real to begin with? Why are we, as a culture, so fascinated by pretending to be someone we're not?
I've especially noticed this behavior, this significant change relative to the location in which you live. This behavior and attitude is especially prevalaent here in California. People seem to think that you're not beautiful if you're not super thin, super dark skinned, or super rich. Funny thing is, I'm none of those things. I clearly give the word "white" a whole new meaning, I watch what I eat, but I still need to lose some pounds, and to describe me as "rich" would be a giant stretch of the imagination.
But the truth is, I'm okay with that. What is so disappointing is that other people aren't. They talk about getting a "boob job" (or ask me if I've ever considered getting one), etc. etc. because they aren't happy with themselves.
But my ultimate question always comes down to ... How many people are actually, truly happy? How many of those celebrities, who have to hide behind masks, fake personalities, and character-based personas, are happy? Because if happiness leads to drinking, drugs, and rehab then I don't want *that* kind of happiness. Count me out.
I am still happy to watch the sun as it dips below the hills, shedding its last bit of light on my part of the world. I'm still content to take a walk with my dog and watch as he discovers something new. It's still the simple things that make me happy-not the money, or the things, or even my reputation that propels how I feel about living. Truth be told, I feel bad for people who rely on things or money to make them happy. I feel bad because it's those people who think that having "things" at least makes you enjoy life more while you're here. While an argument could certainly made for that idea, one thing I've consistently noticed is that things only make you happy for a little while.
You get something you're really happy with. You love it, appreciate it, and value it. But pretty soon, there's something new out there that you become fixated on, and the next thing you know, you want something new or different. Suddenly, you look around yourself, and your world is filled with things.
I think that we should take a look at these stars and not emulate them, but take it as a thing of what not to do, how not to live our lives. We shouldn't think that going to rehab is okay. We shouldn't think that making ourselves thinner to make ourselves look better is okay. What we should be focusing on is how to make our lives happier, how to make the world a better place, how to appreciate each other and love ourselves. Those are the things we should be encouraging our children.
Give me a role model who can do those things, and I will be happy to follow their example. One thing I've noticed as a sad final note is that ... it seems as though people now look at broken as normal. Don't get me wrong, I think that each of us struggles with something and we are all (in some way) broken. We all struggle with inner demons and obstacles in our lives. However, it's a sad commentary on the way of society to see people who view going to rehab as a normal event. They have become so desensitized to it that they just accept it- "because the stars do it." And we have started to think "It's okay to have a drug problem-because this person has it." I've noticed that we want to make "broken" normal and yet we don't really even have a "normal" to compare things to! You can't say that airbrushing photos to make a celeb's appearance better or making them look thinner is normal!
Anyways, I just thought I would share ... Maybe it's time we started finding real people to look up to, real people to respect, and real people to base our lives on.
Stars are supposed to be (as defined at Dictionary.com) as a "heavenly body." Despite all the bad press that Oprah gets (eve the good press is so sweet it sometimes makes me sick)... I've noticed that she really tries to do good in the world. She tries to be a positive role model and lead by example. How many people whom we call a "star" can say the same thing?
Before we start changing our lives, getting the lipo, changing how we look, etc. maybe it's time to start looking looking to a different direction to find the things that make us happy-maybe it's time we start encouraging ourselves to be ourselves. No one seems to like a cookie-cutter house. Greatness isn't defined by looking and acting just like everyone else. Sometimes the most beautiful (and extremely valuable) pieces of art are those that are unique ...
Just a thought.

The Filters in Our Lives

So lately, I've become much more interested in photography. There's something about taking images and making them look great that intrigues me. I think it has something to do with the fact that, with the right shot, you can not only capture a moment in time, you can almost capture a sense of being there, in that moment.
Have you ever looked at a photo and even though you've never been there, you can feel as though you could have been? The textures seem so real, so alive, they just grab you from its two-dimensional plane?
Anyways, I'm fascinated by it and recently bought a really nice although not professional quality, digital SLR. It's the kind of camera I'd say an experienced hobbiest would use or the amateur perfecting his / her craft on the path to becoming professional. But hey, it allows me to use different lenses and try different effects (before I have fun with it in Photoshop) so I'm completely happy with it so far.
There are several kits that you can buy to enhance your camera-one of which, or a few of which, are filters. There are all kinds of filters, but I'd say that UV filters, polarizing filters, and possibly flourescent filters are probably most common. Each has its purpose in the field of photography.
But specifically, the polarizing filter operates much the same way our sunglasses do. In a way, it helps provide much stronger contrast to the things we see-for example, it will help darken a blue sky or make the shadows stand out a bit more.
As I was thinking about this, I was reminded about the filters that we often place on our lives. We assign "filters" those things that we want to see, and those things we refuse to see, all in the course of our journey through life.
What's especially interesting is that it is these filters that color our perspectives and provide contrast to how we view life in general. For example, Someone who is racist uses a biased filter over the camera of their life to judge other people based on those things they believe. These beliefs, or filters, are rarely if every challenged because it requires the person (just like the camera user) to remove the filter in order to see a "normal" picture.
I often wonder what lenses and what filters, I have unknowingly applied in my life. Worse, I wonder how to break them down and make them clearer. But then, I see other people's filters, and it convinces me that mine aren't so bad.
There's a guy I know who always gets into the bad relationship. His latest "mistake" continues to treat him poorly. But because he's only been in destructive, unhealthy relationships, he somehow seems to think that this one is good for him. Or perhaps he even sees that it's unhealthy, but doesn't know another "filter" to use for his life, so he sticks with her. So he goes through day after miserable day wondering if there's someone better out there ... and there is. To quote a friend, you can't find the right someone if you're with the wrong someone.
A girl friend of mine always lets men walk all over her. Oh and ... she sleeps with them right away and always tells me, "But I thought he was going to be a nice guy." She is a super attractive Hispanic woman who could probably have anyone she really wanted. But the filter she is using has somehow caused her to view herself as someone not good enough or strong enough or whatever enough to find someone great. And so she let's herself get sucked into these situations where she feels that sex is the only way she can make them interested in her and then can't figure out why they don't stick around.
But then there's me. I think I have the "strong" "tough" filter on right now. But I've had to be that way. I'm starting to wonder if I'm too outspoken (remind me later to tell you how my boss sort of implied that I have that tendency) too independent, too stubborn perhaps? I'm not just talking about relationships, either. It seems like when I get "comfortable" in my job, I start speaking my mind when I don't know if I have the "right" to do that, if that makes any sense.
Well anyways, these filters continue to color our lives and we let them. As for my guy friend, his friends keep telling him to "dump" his girlfriend (I don't dare tell him that). But still, he keeps on trying. I am not sure that he would even recognize something or someone good if he saw them (remind me to tell you later about how he probably thinks I'm crazy). He might not even know how to have a healthy relationship or even what it means to be in one! So in putting on a "broken" or "different" filter, he in essence changed a part of his chemical makeup thus forever altering how he views the world.
I guess I am wondering at this point, if it is possible to change back--is there a magical answer for these filters we place over our lives? My girl friend claims she wants to find someone wonderful, but time after time after time, she ends up with the same kind of guy. As the friend who provides the "advice" I don't know what to do. I don't know how to remove that "filter" or even if it's possible.
What do you think?

Scary but Going For It Anyway ...

You know, when I was a young girl, we lived in the middle of about one hundred acres of woods and forest. Believe me, when you live in Oregon, that’s possible. At night, not only was it extremely quiet ... but you could often hear things crashing around in the forest.
It was those sounds that terrified me. Of course, I always ended up getting the chore of taking out the garbage. I would run as fast as I could across the driveway to where the garbage cans were. Then I would sift through the trash (a strange thing my mother would insist upon to ensure nothing important had been thrown away) and make my way back as quickly as possible to the house.
Things that scared and terrified me also made me eager to overcome them. A famous story (that my mother always tells at parties-so embarassing) is that when I was four, I saw the curtains moving on the door outside (due to the breeze) and I asked what made the curtains moved. "Ghosts." My brothers insisted. "They are trying to scare you." Well, while the thought scared me, I marched over to the door, opened it, and shouted, "BOO GHOST!"
If you fast forward, this approach to life actually is true just as much today as it was then. Things that terrify me only bolden my resolve to conquer them (with the exception of scary rides and death-defying stunts of madness)... even the idea of my current job scared the crap out of me, but I did it because I wanted to prove to everyone else (and especially to myself) that I could do it. I could be strong enough, tough enough, brave enough.
I did it. Six years later, I am still here ... having conquered many fears and shortomings within myself to be able to do it. But the truth is, underneath it all, I think I’m still afraid on some level.
Fear is a natural part of life. Some of us are constantly running from it, and others take the time to face our fears-we just do it a little bit more slowly than most people. We don’t run from them, but we don’t jump in either ...
I think I need to take my relationships slowly, one day at a time with someone patient, kind, and romantic. :)
Those are my thoughts.