Hold On To Yourself

I must rely on the wise words of Sarah Mclachlan and Jewel for this blog ... as I descend into a subject a friend and I have recently been talking about. Specifically, how to hold on to yourself after you've fallen in love and gotten hurt.
"Hold on ... Hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like Hell." ~Sarah M
Many of you can relate what it's like when you first fall in love with someone. At first, you can't believe it's happening to you. But suddenly, your heart is slipping, sliding, gracefully falling towards complete reckless abandon and love. Everything is perfect. You finally reach that point in your life where it means something to you. The world is a little bit brighter, your days a little bit easier. Eventually, you let go. They're kind to you, they take care of you, they love you back. You let go of that tiny voice in the back of your head and heart that tells you they might hurt you. You let it go so that you are completey submersed in your love. You see their faults; you accept them for who they are.
But then there's a problem that emerges. At first, it's something small. But then one day something happens-maybe it's something big like cheating on you. Whatever it is, it shatters you. You are the mirror that's broken into a thousand pieces and are left, all alone, to try and figure out what went wrong.
I think a lot of people who end up saying they have "trust issues" really mean they have issues trusting themselves. Because they lost sight of who they were while they were in that relationship. They let go of themselves and got lost in the idea of their "perfect" love. So instead of seeing the warning signs, or perhaps completely ignoring the warning signs, end up careening off a cliff.
"You try and tell yourself you'll be all right ... I shouldn't think anymore tonight cuz dreams last for so long ... even after you're gone." ~ Jewel
We all have an idea of how it should go. But sometimes we end up losing ourselves. So when we emerge, on the other side of the broken relationship, we stopped trusting ourselves. You see, it's easier to convince ourselves that we've done something wrong, that there's something we could have changed or done differently and everything would have been all right. But that's our faulty thinking.
After J and I broke up, I did blame myself. I blamed myself for harboring a grudge after the first time I caught him being slightly unfaithful. I blamed myself for holding him too tightly. Worse, after I lost my trust in him the first time, I never gave him a chance to earn my trust back. I blamed myself for everything that went wrong. But that's ridiculous! I completely missed the warning signs that were CLEARLY there before this all happened. For example, though I lived with him, he never wanted me to get the mail. He especially never wanted me to answer the phone. What kind of living situation is it when you can't even answer your own phone? He even went out of his way to get me my own line!
He justified his actions by telling me that he was a "private person" and explained it wouldn't look good for a supervisor to date a subbordinate. Somehow, I let him convince me that type of thinking was acceptable, and it wasn't! Every time he would get upset with me, I would convince myself it was my fault. Or worse, he would tell me it was my fault and I would believe him!
At the end of our "relationship" he had me convinced that I was crazy!
So some time went by and I realized that ... I wasn't the crazy one! He was. He had issues to resolve and things that he needed to work on. The reason I got so lost is because I let go of myself and let go of the person I am. I gave him more respect than I gave myself. Once I realized that I was the one who had all the power, it all made sense! His cheating was about control (ask any psychologist-they'll tell you the same thing) ... and it was never about me! I wasn't the one to be blamed!
About six months after I discovered this, he took me out to lunch and his words, while a bittersweet remedy, shocked me. By this point, his new girlfriend was pregant. There was no chance I was getting back together with him. And by this time, I'd already moved on ... anyways, he told me that he had been falling in love with me. For the first time in his life, he was falling head over heels in love ... and like any guy with commitment issues, it scared him. So he did the only thing he thought he could do to maintain control. He tried to cheat. But it didn't work, he never did it, because I caught him. He admitted to me that none of the things that happened in our relationship were my fault; he was to blame for how everything fell apart. He was to blame for it all. He also told me that I was one of the best people he'd ever met and he really blew it with me and knew it.
Few of us ever get that kind of closure. But my point is simply that while the answer came a little too late for me to waste about two years with a broken heart, it only reflects what time could only tell.
"Hold on ... Hold on to yourself ... you know that only time will tell." Sarah M
The secret it seems, is not to stop trusting. Trust is not the enemy; it's the solidifying foundation to any long-lasting, strong relationship. The true secret is to NOT stop being who you are. So hold on to yourself. Hold on to yourself through this journey and even when you get into the most mind-blowing amazing relationship, hold on to yourself. Change those things you must about yourself, but keep the person you are and I promise, you will trust again. You will find someone wonderful again. You just have to give it time.
Cheers and peace.