Left Behind (A Recurrent Theme)

Back in college, I took some of my favorite classes which included the ever dreaded by so many, English. Even when my mind and my major weren't even close to English, words, brilliant, wonderful, inspiring words were always at the back of my mind, ever beckoning me to write.
One thing we often did in our English classes was to make connections to the real world, make connections to our own lives somehow, and then write about it. The closer, more real the connection we were able to make, the better our paper, the higher the grade. Of course, it was also in a college that valued intelligent thought over scantrons and fill in the bubble sort of answers that often pigeon-hole potential and real intelligence.
I was always taught to make connections in my own life and really, while I could spend months over-analyzing myself, I have unfortunately discovered one common theme in my life.
It seems that no matter what I do I cannot escape from this and I'm not sure if it's something I'm lacking in because of my past or something that I must accept as a part of who I am.
I had an insightful conversation today with someone whom I really respect. In ten minutes of talking, she managed to teach me a new way of looking at an old situation that I had never really considered before. My hope is that by writing down how I am feeling, perhaps I will discover the root of my problem and somehow be able to solve it. Often, talking out problems makes them easier to deal with and identify.
Let me start with a movie. The Last King of Scotland was really about General Idi Amin the leader who proclaimed himself (you guessed it) the "Last King of Scotland" and ended up murdering thousands of Ugandans (Africa) and was—well by all accounts—absolutely crazy.
If you have seen the film, you know what I'm talking about. It basically fictionalizes a story about a young man (played by my favorite actor) who is a doctor from Scotland who ends up as Idi Amin's personal physician. I won't give anything away, if you haven't seen it (go rent it now…it's brilliant). He is in many ways an idealistic impressionable person. I won't exactly talk about his morals. But he's human. Anyways, this isn't what the film was about, but merely want to bring up an undertone that I feel parallels my own life.
The good doctor becomes Amin's physician because, I think he believed in Amin. At first, he gives all appearances of a good man, someone fighting to provide freedom and independence to a struggling people who were desperate for and needed a hero to rescue them from tyranny. But they ended up with someone even worse. Anyways, the doctor helps Amin and even defends him not realizing why people are so upset with a person who appears to be good.
The undercurrent here is clearly about believing in a cause that we think is just, but it's the wrong cause; worse, it's a dangerous cause. It's about believing in something or someone more than yourself, but that faith and confidence being misplaced. It results, inevitably, in disaster.
I don't want to be the person who believes in an unjust cause or place my faith in something that I shouldn't. The only way I know is the one I was taught and everything else, I've learned along the way. Sometimes, I regret not knowing things I feel I should or in being more naive than someone else my age might be. But in truth, I worry that my lack of understanding or my inability to grasp the bigger picture might be holding me back from something great.
Back to the common theme in my life: being left behind. I don't want to sound as if I'm playing the victim role, because I'm not. I'm simply pointing out a common theme I don't understand.
I feel as though everyone I've ever really cared about ends up leaving me behind. I'm not one of those people who's had friends from the 2nd grade and have stayed close with them. My family barely talks to one another-and when we do, our conversations are often filled with hurtful angst and the void left behind with so much left unsaid.
With my relationships, it's much of the same. The person I loved ended up cheating on me with someone else and left. He didn't appreciate what he had (me) until after his new girlfriend was already pregnant and he was forced to "do the right thing." But in the end, that realization on his behalf, his apologies, his "I realize you were wonderful, blah blah blah," was merely a bittersweet victory because it still meant that I ended up alone.
I play by the rules probably because it's the only thing I know how to do. I don't play mind games, I certainly would never get pregnant on purpose, and for all that I am, it does me little good if the person recognizes their mistakes too late.
But that's what's so strange. How is it that I'm constantly left behind, taken for granted, whatever, and then all of a sudden, the dawning of realization happens and by then it's too late to do anything about it?
What is the point in doing things right, in following the rules, if I am going to be left behind no matter what? It doesn't seem like it matter how wonderful I am or how smart or how well I treat the person, because they end up leaving me anyway! In so many ways, it's not fair to hear that they regret leaving me. Because the point is, they did!
The real question is, how do I stop that locomotive before it leaves the station? How can being me be enough? How is it that these girls who treat their guys like crap (oh my god I've seen it happen) seem to get the guy and I get stuck being alone? Do I have to be bitchy because people assume bitchy is normal? Is that what I have to be?
I'm sure you over-analyzers out there will probably like to relate this back to my childhood when my dad left. But really, it's kinda the same thing and yet completely different. I couldn't stop him from leaving either. Though I don't hold it against him really, after fourteen years of marriage to a complete psycho, I would have left too. I watched him pack his truck and drive away, and I didn't run after him. I hoped, I really hoped, that he would change his mind and come home. But in my heart, I knew he wouldn't. He had left before, and there was just something different about this time. There was something different in his tone, something different in the way he hugged me goodbye. I didn't go chasing after his truck as he sped away. I could only stand in the driveway and cry.
But somehow, this feels different. I didn't have control over my childhood or the actions of my parents. Clearly, there was nothing I could have done even as a child of 9, that would have stopped that from happening.
But I want to figure out why leaving seems to be a consistent theme in my life that I can't seem to escape from. Doesn't anybody stay anymore?
People I've dated (years ago) have said, "I wish I would have stayed with you." But the point is, they didn't. All that regret does is sit on my heart and remind me that we broke up (for whatever reason) and was left behind! You can't take it back and you can't change things that happened. So why then, the sudden realization afterward? Are they merely telling me these things but in their heart glad it didn't work out?
I think the most difficult part is watching them end up with someone terrible that makes them miserable and watching as they do nothing about it! I watch as they stay with people who treat them like complete crap and walk all over them or abuse them or treat them in a way I would never even dream of doing. And yet somehow, they stay! So why is it then, that someone like me, who treats them great, was something they were so eager to leave but are okay staying with someone who treats them like crap? I don't get it. I just don't get it.
It would be one thing if it only happened once or twice, but it's constantly happening. Worse, these guys come to me for my "advice" on their situation and it's difficult to relate. How can tell them to leave when they have already made the decision in their heart to stay? What makes them motivated to stay for the crazy psycho, but not motivated to stay for me? Am I not enough? Is being normal boring? Lame? Dull?
I dunno. I can't answer this question and I feel like until I do, I'm afraid to find someone because I fear that the moment I start loving them, they will leave. What's funny about all this is, if I could stop my heart from loving them, they might just stick around. The last one stuck around for 7 years and probably would have married me. But dumb me, I wanted the real thing; I wanted someone to be crazy about me. How selfish.
Anyways, these are just thoughts. In the end of The King of Scotland, the good doctor, idealistic though he was, pays an incredible price for his idealism and his failure to see the bigger picture. I don't want to pay the price and have a life of loneliness all because I am believing in the wrong thing or have faith in something I shouldn't. I don't want to believe that real love is possible or real friendships or real anything if it's really not.
My sense of idealism in the ways of close friendships and relationships is definitely being challenged and real life is confronting me with an alternative reality and I'm not sure what to believe anymore.
What are your thoughts?