Instant Gratification

So I was talking to my sister about this, and we both agree that everyone seems to always want instant gratification in our society today.
They want, need a distraction so they turn to things that gratify them instantly: sex, drugs, pills, and alcohol. Or perhaps it's to a relationship that can give them what they want right now. We are so bombarded with all the things that come our way, that we are easily distracted and when we see something we want, we want it now. We have become a society that places emphasis on what you get as opposed to what you give.
I think the biggest danger in instant gratification is that it becomes an addiction to us. Even if we manage to give up that addiction, we slowly adapt something else to be addicted to. I think we move quickly from thing to thing because we are a society where we are easily bored and are always looking for a new "fix" a new high to keep from reminding us the truth of the world. It's not always that awesome, amazing place we thought it would or should be.
Our addictions are the ways we distract our hearts from feeling, distract our minds from thinking, and in essence, for just a moment we can pretend the world is as we want it to be, not as it actually is.
The difficulty here lies in our inability to form strong connections with other people. More often than not, people don't follow through with what they say they will do-a result of trying to take too much on and do too many things at once.
We heard a message at church over the weekend to "slow down" and I think it starts with our mentality. "Slowing down" isn't just about taking a day of rest, it's about trying to bite off more than we can chew, taking on too many tasks at once. "Learn to say no" was one of the main messages given to us. I think it especially necessary to learn to say no... to ourselves.
When we can't follow through with what we say, we let each other down, and unknowingly begin to lose the trust of our friends and loved ones. We slowly start to slip away and become more and more addicted to the next fix. Pretty soon, we are nothing more than a hollow, empty shell of a person. We need to learn to say no to ourselves, learn that we need to be patient, not always running after the "newer and better."
It reminds me of an ex boyfriend who told me about the "shiny penny" syndrome. If you have a group of pennies that are old, none of them stick out. But you put a new, shiny penny in the bunch, and suddenly, you can't help but stare at the shiny penny. Pretty soon, that penny isn't shiny anymore and you have to look for the next shiny penny.
To show you the example in terms of people, let's say a group of three people meet and are friends. They hang out with one another a lot and have a good time. But they know one another so well, they begin to flake on one another-because they are becoming familiar with them and bored. But once you introduce a new friend to the group, they are like the shiny penny that will draw the friends in again. In relationships, I have seen the same thing. After a few months, the girlfriend (or sometimes the boyfriend) becomes the old penny. Day after day, week after week, everything becomes the same, becomes routine. Not because they are not exciting people, but because you know them and who they are. Suddenly, you are bored and start to wonder if it's just you or if your relationship is doomed. You can't help but want to breathe life back into your relationship, but you've both become the used penny. So when the guy meets the new "shiny" penny, she might not be as cute or awesome or wonderful as you. She is just new and shiny and everyone is excited by the unknown.
This is why, I believe, so many relationships / marriages fail. Our need for instant gratification and the constant "new penny" syndrome makes us constantly want for more and never lets us be satisfied with what we have.
This is also why I believe guys are attracted to what are typically considered "crazy" girls. I think that they are attracted to them for several reasons that are easy to see. These could also apply in "crazy guy" but realistically, I think guys become more easily bored than girls.
#1) "Crazy" girl is difficult to figure out (because she's crazy) and difficult to figure out = a puzzle which = fun. Let's face it, if we know and understand someone, you'd think that would = great person we get along with. But what it typically means for most guys = boring and routine. Boring and routine = bad.
#2) "Crazy" girls typically stays like a new, shiny penny longer, because they are unpredictable (again, I sound like a broken record but-this is because they are crazy!) But again, unpredictable = fun. Us girls that have a decent job, our lives are mostly squared away, and we don't have significant issues = boring and routine. As I said above, boring and routine = bad.
#3) "Crazy" girls typically don't care about anyone but themselves. Why is it that crazy people are so focused on themselves? Hmm... again, they are crazy! But the thing that makes them interesting is that they are so focused on themselves that they don't focus on the guy which instantly makes them more attractive. Because they guy looks at it with his ego like, "how come they aren't paying attention to me? I'm hot stuff." And the girl blows him off. When she doesn't pay the attention to him he feels he deserves, it becomes like a game, a puzzle. A game or puzzle = chase which = fun. Guys are preditory animals and most men need to chase their prey and eventually win it over. Thus, while they say they don't like to play games, they inevitably do it anyway!
#4) "Crazy" girl ends up being with Mr. Nice Guy because Mr. Nice Guy gets stuck. There are things about crazy girl he likes. He doesn't want to be Mr. "Fix It" but at the same time, he does. He likes the attention and likes to feel wanted and needed. In attempting to fix her problems, it enables him to avoid his. Inevitably, however, he realizes there are several things about crazy girl he doesn't like: her instability, her intimacy issues, her insecurities. But at the same time, it becomes difficult to leave because at the same time, she is giving him the excitement that he craves.
So after all this, what is the solution? I think the secret is that we all have issues of our own device. We all have our own little bit of "crazy" but inevitably we will all become the dull penny eventually. The secret, it would seem, is to find someone who recognizes in us our potential. No one wants to settle for boring or routine. But I think that's what we really need. We are encouraged to go for the "shiny" penny and to abandon the old one. But what if we stopped wanting things now? What if our lives could stop centering around instant gratification?
It's funny how we emphasize the importance of "getting your life together" but I can say from personal experience that having my life semi-together is intimidating and boring. And as I've said a million times now, routine = boring. Normal = boring.
So then we turn back to instant gratification and being the shiny penny. I don't know if there's a way around it. I can only hope that someone looks at me and is able to see the shiny penny underneath despite whatever might build up along the way. And let's face it, let's hope I am able to recognize them too, because it's so easy to get lost in the sea of tarnished faces.

Interesting Idea

It was late when I got home; the rain had begun misting my windshield and as I made my way up the long ascending hill to my house, it began dropping in larger droplets, splattering on the ground and the roof.
Even though one of my favorite songs was playing on the radio, my thoughts were a million miles away. I was thinking about him, thinking about the things I had said, the things I hadn't said, the things I wanted to say. But life was funny that way, the way you were always torn between what you wanted, and the difficulties of crossing the unspoken boundaries between friendship and something more.
I shouldn't want anything more, should have just left it all as it was, but there was something in my heart that wouldn't let me find peace. It was a silent whisper in my soul and yet, I found it ridiculous. It was just like my character to like that which I couldn't have.
Pulling into my driveway, I turned out my lights, debating on whether or not to run to my door as I had forgotten my umbrella yet again-clearly a mistake in the rainy season. I grabbed an extra sweater in the backseat and held it over my head as I made my way across the sidewalk and up the stairs to the place I called home. It was freezing, my breath making short puffs as I hurried to my door.
I reached my door and was startled by a voice behind me. "Sarah ..." There he was, his long brown hair dripping wet. He had waited in the cold rain on my porch for me to come home.
"What are you doing here?" I quickly opened the door and stomped my feet on the welcome mat.
"I didn't know when you'd be here. I was ... waiting for you." he said, his voice barely a whisper above the sound of the pouring rain. He was dressed in jeans and a sweater, no coat, no umbrella.
"Come inside, hurry!" I exclaimed, ushering him inside as the rain picked up its tempo.
He came inside, slowly, deliberately, shutting the door quietly behind him. He stood at the front door, staring at me as though there were miles between us.
His silence was strange to me, given the fact that we always had something to say to one another.
"Here, let me take your coat ..." I approached, realizing that he was not wearing a coat and I was dangerously close to him. The smell of rain and cologne drifted up and overtook me. As I came closer, he made no move away from me. It was as if there were unspoken words on our lips and neither of us knew where to begin.
I stopped and cocked my head slightly to the side in puzzlement.
"You left and didn't say a word about where you were going." His dark eyes were pools of emotions I couldn't understand.
"I didn't know where I was going. I just wanted to get away." I said. "I felt as though I was suffocating.""But why?""Because of the questions you were asking me..."
"You left so quickly, it seemed strange."
I shrugged.
"You've always let me in," he continued, staring straight at me. "You've always told me what's on your mind. Why is it different now?"
I couldn't meet his gaze, my eyes dropping to the floor. I couldn't tell him the truth, couldn't tell him that he had gotten too close. I had made myself vulnerable and had let him in. Some day soon, one of us was going to get hurt when the other walked away. And since I could never tell him how I felt, it would easily be me.
I don't know if he was expecting an answer, but I just stayed quiet; I could feel his gaze piercing a hole right through me and I considered the idea, for just a moment, that he already knew how I felt.
Only a couple of seconds passed as I stared at the floor, but they were like hours and days to my heart. I glanced up and found that his gaze had not broken. As he looked down on me, droplets of water gathered at the ends of his hair and dropped onto his sweater. Without thinking, I reached up to catch another droplet as it started to fall.
Catching it in my hand, I felt his hand reach up and grasp mine. His hands were strong, powerful, comforting. My breath caught in my throat as he pulled me closer to him and for just a moment, I thought that he was going to hug me. But instead, his lips met mine and in surprise, I jerked my head back, but he did not relax his grip. His strong arms wrapped themselves around me and instantly, I felt a warmth spread through my entire body.
He didn't say a word, just smiled and kissed me again and again and again, our faces melting together as if it had always been that way. It was as if all of our unspoken questions were answered, and that something that existed between us had finally been realized. In that moment, everything was perfect. Two hearts, having been friends so long, finally came together for one perfect moment in time.
So I'd like to say it all had a happy ending but ... like so many stories, this one isn't true ... But I wanted to give a romantic "blurb" a try to see how I could do with it ... see if I was any good.
There was a guy in college (I can picture this happening in Oregon-thus the rain) who was a good friend of mine and always had a crush on this girl ... but he never told her. And she, unknown to us, had a crush on him --but never told him. This is like a moment in time in their untold story ... Although, I think they actually got married in real life (if this is you-and you know who you are--congrats, by the way).
Honestly, I wish this was really true for me. I put my name in because ... I think would be super awesome to have someone ... I don't know ... like me like that.... perhaps it was at one time, or will be in the future. For now, a girl can dream, right?
If it sucks, tell me!

Getting Older

So here's a random thought: I was driving home today and while driving down a really really busy street, I noticed this older gentleman who is probably around his late sixties, early seventies, trying to cross the road in the middle of the traffic. He wasn't at a light or a signal. Just trying to go across the way so many people do in Santa Ana: just run out into traffic-after all, people will slow down.
What made his effort so unbelievable was the fact that the man couldn't go very fast. He was the equivalent of one of those people who should be using a walker, but doesn't perhaps out of their own stubborness or perhaps because, on this ocassion, he decided to leave the walker at home and thought he'd have a better chance of going solo.
It was almost funny. But it wasn't. My first thoughts were that after my errand down the street, it wouldn't surprise me if, on my return trip, he was still making his way across the traffic. The only problem is, moving that slow on a busy street seemed more like an act of suicide than the actions of a man simply out for an afternoon stroll.
So I suppose he made it all right: when I returned from my errand, I half expected to see him-but he was gone.
Still, it made me realize that if I wanted to cross the street right now, I could. If I wanted to go sky-diving or snow-skiing naked, I could. I have my arms and legs and can walk or even run if I feel like it. That should never be taken for granted because one day I realize that I'm not going to have the ability to do that anymore, and I'm going to long for the days I did.
I don't want to live my life thinking of what I could have done. Which reminds me of the post I put up a couple of days ago. I chase after things I want (especially love) because I don't want to look back and think, "I could have done that if only I tried." I could have had love if only I would have asked for it.
The only problem is, I feel like I'm a good person. But I didn't get to choose the package I came in. I got to come in this one. And quite frankly, if all I am judged by is how I look (good or bad) then I would rather have the priveledge and honor of being alone for the rest of my life than the curse of being with someone who places emphasis on what I look like. Because seeing that old guy today only reminded me that there will come a day when none of us will look pretty anymore. I'd rather have someone by my side I trusted and cared about, than the most handsome guy I know. I'm okay with being single forever if it means not having to always feel as though I'm not good enough in some way.
Those people who judge people based on looks are the ones I know are the most immature. It doesn't surprise me when I find them, years later, miserable. They found their "perfect mate" but had to pay a price for it in the end. But that's another topic for another blog ...
Meanwhile, enjoy what you have while you have it. Seriously ... we are going to be old and wrinkley and unable to move someday. Guess we'd better be able to enjoy it now.
One final note: I took a walk today and found myself on a trail that leads to the ocean. The vast beauty stretched across the sky and the shore was dotted with boats too small to make out in the distance. The wind was blowing gently, the sky was clear, and a feeling of complete peace overcame me. A lot of scary things have happened lately with my health and personal life and I know that even though I will one day get older, and one day lose my ability to walk across the street because my legs might not taking me, knowing not only that I could have, but that I can will make all the difference. And maybe, fourty years from now will find me trying to cross the sea of cars if only to look for some fleeting adventure on the other side.

Waiting

There is a face in the crowd; a face that is not easily recognizable. It is so common and yet so different. As you pass one another, you see only a smile and the power of it overtakes you and makes you slightly happier than you were only moments before. You can't quite place your finger on it, but there is something there, something on that face that makes it different than all the others that pass before it.
Love is like a smile that lights up a face; it is contagious and recognizable. For those of us still searching for our matching face in the crowd, it is easy to find ourselves picturing what could possibly happen should we ever be graced with it.
I can only describe how I felt when I was in love, the way it overtook me; how it made weeks and months pass like minutes. When I felt as if I was in love, it was as if everything in the world was a little bit brighter, every smell a bit stronger, each sound a harmonious song. Each bit of news, each coversation was an elation, lifting me higher and higher to a place I had never been. Suddenly, every difficult obstacle seemed to be only a positive thought away, every day like a new beginning.
I cannot help but picture and hope for what it may feel like again one day when I am graced with that feeling again. The only problem is, I cannot accept less than someone great.
It's easy to talk about being a good person, and even more difficult to actually be one. Our actions seldom truly match our words and the definition of integrity seems to be lost on so many in society today. Treating each other with respect is a talent lost, and one that I hope to one day find again.
It seems to me that one would be so lucky to have qualities such as kindess and honesty. Why is it that when one enters a relationship, suddenly a tangled web of deceipt and mistreatment suddenly becomes a circular unbreakable pattern?
While I point to the flaws in others, so I too have flaws. Sometimes my heart speaks too much and my logic too little. But the truth beckons me to speak from the voice that cries within my soul. Sometimes it seems impossible to love another human being without wanting anything from them.
But it is love that calls me to speak from my heart. I cannot go from having love to feeling emptiness and expect to bounce back with unaffected exuberance for I am human. Having known what love feels like, I cannot help but wish to find it again. One cannot go from learning the abundance and potential of one's heart and not hope to one day reach that level again.
Yet in a world made difficult by life, and the complications it entails, love does not come in a form we often easily recognize. And sometimes, it passes us by entirely. Sometimes, for all my qualities, talents, and experience, I feel hurt and rejected by those who would only see my flaws. In kind, I hurt and reject those to whom I cannot relate or who I feel are selfish and self-centered.
I cannot help but want someone to love and cherish me, not just pretend to. I can't help but want someone who likes children, loves life, and plans to make the most of it with me. A good life is not created by watching the television night after night expecting to grow.
In the end, as simple as we would try and make it, it is a complicated thing, love. It is full of heartache and sorrow, excitement and adventure, and ups and downs and we may not always enjoy the journey. But I would argue that it is the journey towards love that makes it all worthwhile.
I try to find love, and I give it a chance, because I believe that it can succeed in my life. Through the twists and turns and good and bad, I am willing to be the person who sticks it out, who goes the distance, who stays strong.
The only sense of doubt comes from the unknown. The twisting nether of unknown and often missed opportunities and the chance of loving, but not receiving love in return. Those are the fears. Those are the worries. Those are the chances you take when you reach out for love.
But in the end, it is not so much whether you win or lose the battle. The strength and the power comes from being willing to reach out your hand. To be willing to try ... try to make something work, try to fix something when it goes wrong, try to make it last ... those are qualities and talents we hold out for. Those are the ones we wish to take with us on our journeys. But fear of the unknown holds us back. Fear of rejection, of being alone, of a million other things, prevents us from doing those things we know we want to do.
I have often been criticized for choosing to be alone so long. But that feeling of being in love was worth the rest of a lifetime without it ... I cannot accept a life with anything less. As simple as that answer seems, and as obvious, it is suprisingly not. It is easy to give in to my physical needs and just accept someone who is in the "here and now" and pretend. But I know real love; it is like a beacon of hope in my soul that it is possible to find someone like that again.
So alone I stay until my partner, my teammate, comes into my life. I risk rejection, humiliation, loss, but in the end, I gain humility, courage, and strength. I am proud of those moments I was strong enough to put my best foot forward and attempt to go after something I wanted. We only have a limited supply of time on this planet, and it's about time we started going for what we want.
I would merely suggest that we just choose not to settle. We choose to stick to our plans, stick to ourselves and hold on to the idea that love is out there. We shouldn't lower our standards or trade in our integrity for the gratification of our temporary physical and emotional wants. Because if we aren't careful, we'll find something that will be just the thing we promised ourselves we wouldn't get.
The worse thing we could do is to find a life but miss out on what it feels like to truly know love.
As a final thought, I think that many of us love romantic movies because it paints a picture of what real love is and for just a moment, we get to see a brief glimpse of a powerful feeling. For example, in the movie "City of Angels" one of the most poignant moments come after the death of Maggie (Meg Ryan). Seth (Nicholas Cage) gives up his life as a sort of angel to be a human to share his life with his love. In a particularly emotional moment, a scene finds Seth go into a store and we see the pain on his face as he puts pears into a shopping basket, each one like a haunting memory of the love he had lost. He is asked if he had to do it all over again, would he change anything. His reply is simple, "I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One. "
That is how I feel about love. And I am willing to risk embarassment, rejection, and heartache to get it again. I just sometimes wish the journey to get there was a little easier and the path a little less rocky. But in the end, it is about finding love, not in the trials it took to get there. So life finds me always here, my gentle heart still hopeful, my soul still willing to be touched. And so, I keep waiting ...

Eternal Sunshine

Eternal Sunshine ... Current mood: creative
So I just saw a really good (but old) movie called "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." It was probably one of the best movies that I have ever seen. (So watch it!)
In a nutshell, the main two characters (Clementine and Joel) are in a relationship that turns sour. Impulsive Clementine has all memories of Joel erased, and hurting Joel decides to do the same. The only problem is, while his memory is being erased, Joel realizes that he doesn't want to erase her --and tries his best to remember her. Then crazy stuff happens and then ... well, you've got to see it.
It totally gives the viewer and opportunity to see the actuality of what we've all imagined we could do--erase the images of someone who has hurt us, completely from our minds. Take them away, piece by piece, as if they did not exist at all.
I can't even remember how many times I've wished that were possible with certain memories. Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet were absolutely outstanding. I forgot, for just a moment, that I was watching a movie and instead, found myself hoping that somehow Joel Barrish (played by Carrey) would find a way to remember Clementine (Winslet).
What really spoke to me is the fact that often, we all want to forget about someone who has hurt us. But if we were to take away all the memories of that person, we'd take away all the good things we remember about them too.
There are so many times I've wondered what could happen if we could just start over with someone-knowing their flaws, knowing what to watch out for, knowing that in the end, we might not be with them. But just taking the time to enjoy them, enjoy their company, enjoy their presence in our lives. In Joel's case, he had to forget in order to remember what was good. Luckily, he was able to start over--tabula rasa "clean slate."
If only we had the opportunity to start over, or rather, could realize what we have while we have it. But somehow, we slip into patterns that we don't seem to be able to break. It takes something to shake us out of those patterns. Often, it's the break-up itself that changes those patterns-but by then, it's too late. It's too late to take back what was said or take back all the things that have added up to bring you where you are. It's too late to start over. By then, you've already broken up, and you're supposed to be moving on with your life.
The key, I think, was said at some point in the movie. Joel realizes everything he is leaving behind-all of the memories. Oddly enough, he remembers most of the good times (like we all do when we look back) and all of the reasons he fell in love. He admits his mistakes and his fear. After attempting to hide Clementine somewhere in his mind they won't find her, he knows that he doesn't have much time left with her. He has come to the last memory, the last place she exists in his mind. The answer he gives applies to us all.
Clementine simply asks him, "What do we do?"He replies, "Enjoy it."
We may not know who is right for us or how long we might have together. We don't know if tomorrow will bring about an end to the road we've been traveling on or the relationship we've been in. We can only do our best to enjoy every minute of the journey while we're on it. Don't take it for granted while it lasts. Appreciate what you have before it's gone. Enjoy it.