The Balance of Friendship

We've all had friends like this, friends who don't seem to understand how not to be selfish. They are the people who know how to take, but not how to give. We all know these people and probably have a few in our lives. In the age of technology, the use of cell phones and the proper etiquette is going to come into question. There is no book, no magical recipe for when it is appropriate but rather the importance of establishing a guideline in terms of politeness and perhaps a general rule of consideration that should apply.

It should be common knowledge that one shouldn't use their cell phone during a movie, but clearly there are people that do not have that level of consideration as the movie industry still has to put up a message to remind people to silence their cell phones.

Should you really have to remind someone to silence their cell phone when you're in a social situation or when you're engaged in a conversation with someone? How disconcerting is it to be speaking to someone only to have them interrupt you by picking up their cell phone to reply to someone else or to answer their phone?

Ultimately, it not only becomes a matter of being impolite, but also defines the level of respect in the friendship. For example, I have a friend who constantly seeks advice about matters he feels are of great importance in his life. Truly, what happens in his life only matters to me in that I am his friend. I listen out of respect and consideration because his friendship is important to me. I offer advice whenever possible and patiently try to help him work through his own self doubt. However, where is the reciprocation?

The balance of friendship is not in my favor, because when I try to talk about something in my own life, he conveniently picks up his cell phone and responds to a text or answers the cell phone. That immediately tells me just exactly how important I am to him: so unimportant that a random text message at that very moment is more important than whatever it is I might have to say.

Most of the time,, I choose not to say anything. But ultimately, my constantly giving in this "friendship" and not getting much in return ultimately bothers me. I politely try to piont it out when we are all together in a social situation; his other friends have also noticed and tried to point it out.

"Do you want my attention?" His voice is dry and almost sarcastic. That statement stood out to me, bothered me a little, because a part of it is true--but not for the reason he almost seemed to imply. Yes, when listening to him, he expects--wants--my attention. Is it not fair to expect the same thing in return from him?

The saddest part about it is that he has barely a clue as to what is going on in my life; I don't ever get the dance to even talk about it as I'm constantly interrupted by his problems or his cell phone. Are you starting to see a tred? Sometimes I wonder if it's always going to be about him. I don't even know if he considers me a friend or just someone who is a convenient sounding board for his problems and issues. Yes, in some ways it's about wanting his attention, but it's also about wanting my half of the friendship too.

Friendship, like any relationship, is a two way street. It sometimes means taking, but it's also about giving. I don't mind listening to his problems and I'm happy to do it--but I think I deserve the same level of respect and attention that I am giving to him. I asked myself when was the last time he actually asked me (or even seemed to care) how I was really doing? Did he even give a thought to all the stuff I've been going through lately? He probably had no idea all the turmoil I had been going through... because he is so self-absorved. I realized he rarely takes the time to ask me or really listen. It's hard to tell someone anything about yourself, or get your half of the friendship, when you are constantly interrupted by the BING! of yet another text message.

To be fair, I too have been guilty of this offense. Until one day, one of my friends had the courage to point it out to me. She sat me down and told me how much it bothered her when I did that. I realized how selfish I had been and remembered that the whole point of my friendship with her was to enjoy each other, not always focus on myself. When I realized that, I put the cell phone down, left it down, and became a better friend in the process.

I end with this: we all have cell phones and we are all busy and important people. But in the end, is that text message or phone call more important than the friend you have sitting in front of you? If it is, then you don't deserve the friendship. The balance of friendship is more than just about you--it's like the scales of justice-meant to be balanced.

A friendship is about more than just getting someone to listen to you, having a good friend means a responsibility to be one too.