I Don't Want ... (To Have To Say Goodbye)

I did one of the most difficult things yesterday: I had to say goodbye to someone who was close to my heart. It was a difficult decision, but the truth of it all is, I didn't want to have to say goodbye. But God has his hand in everything, and my heart is finally beginning to heal.
When we decide to be friends with someone, I think sometimes we put up with more than we would or should with just a normal person. Somehow, they find there way into your heart and you just find yourself not wanting to let go. I kept telling myself, even when it was bad between us, that things would only get better. I thought that once this person saw what a good heart I had, perhaps they would realize how important it was to be nice to me. I don't ask for much, really. Just be a good person; be nice to me.
But in the end, I realized something. If I was valuable to this person, I wouldn't have to wonder why they never followed through with their word. I realized that when there's a friend in my life whom I value, I always do what I say. At first, I thought that perhaps I was the exception, and not the rule. Perhaps it truly is a "California Thing" to flake on people and tread on their hearts with the bottom of your shoes. Perhaps I am different having come from another state. I thought that, until that is, I flaked on a couple of people who I really care about. Suddenly, my heart did flip flops! I actually felt badly! Then I decided it's important to do what you say; it's important to be nice to people and follow through. Integrity. Morality. Character.
I wish that things could have been different between us. I would apologize for so many things I have done or said that I know were hurtful. I would take it all back at the chance to have a good friendship with this person. But it takes two. It takes two people to work on the friendship in order to make it work.
A friend of mine asked me exactly what it was that this person was giving me, and I couldn't think of anything. I went out of my way to drive to see this person, I went out of my way to help this person, and I went out of my way to spend time with this person. But when I told them about the situation with my mom, they said, "I don't know what to tell you." And when I asked for help, that person said, "When I have time." And then, worst of all, when I asked that person to follow through with what they said, they said, "I only told you that I would MAYBE spend time with you."
Obviously, if I am only good enough to get the MAYBE, then I am clearly not making a difference in this person's life. I told them that I needed a break, and there was no "wait, don't go." No, "Hey, you mean a lot to me," or "hey, I'll make it up to you." My message was met with silence.
Silence seems to fill up the distance between us. Nothing but silence.
So here I am, looking back at all that has happened. I look back at all that I have given. I gave openly because my heart was open. I gave willingly because my heart was willing. I gave, because I hoped that this person would one day give back. But, in the end, it's true that we only see what we want to see. They are too busy chasing elusive doves to bother with one girl who merely tried to be a good friend.
I feel bad. I wish there was something I could do. But I can't possibly give any more. It takes two. Everyone keeps telling me that. But it's so difficult for me to have to say goodbye-I don't want to have to give up on a friendship-especially one where I gave so much.
But a friend has made a good point. He said, "I'll bet this person doesn't even know your favorite color or what makes you happiest... I'll bet he interrupts you when you try to let him in to your heart and show him who you really are."
He's so right and perhaps I have been wrong to try. But I keep praying that one day this person will want to be my friend and will actually make some effort to be in my life instead of the other way around.
My friend also said, "Everyone loves a giver. They love to take and take and take. Maybe it's time you stop giving so much and see who it is that actually WANTS to be a part of your life."