Coffee Talk

The weather has grown colder and the leaves, at least on the non-palm trees have begun to gather on the ground-a reminder that the holidays and colder weather are just around the corner.
Today was a beautiful day; as the sun was setting behind the beautiful palm trees, I couldn't help but take a moment to admire the beauty of it all. I think sometimes I take for granted how great it is to be free. Given where I have come from, it is a miracle and a blessing.
A long time ago, I was afraid of my mother. I was so afraid when she came home, I would physically shake with fear. I had gotten used to her coming up from behind me and grabbing my hair with force as she'd drag me along to whatever destination in the house she wanted me to be in. It used to be that whenever anyone came up behind me and touched me, I would scream because it scared me so much. For the longest time, people thought it was funny to come up behind me and abruptly grab my shoulders, sending me into an instant panic. After the adrenaline rush had subsided, I would get very upset that they had made fun of something about me they didn't understand.
The truth of it was, I didn't tell anyone about my pain. Most people who thought they knew me only knew what I chose to show them. On the outside, I bounced around like tigger, but on the inside, I was full of anger and sadness.
Looking back on pictures from my youth, I can see in my eyes a sort of glazed, dead look-a look of someone who has seen more than they should, more than they wanted.
The truth of it is, I see that look every day in some of my clients. They bounce into my office and think that they are fooling me-but I've seen that look and know it well.
The real question is why they feel that way. I know they have seen things and experienced things that a young mind has difficulty comprehending or understanding. It's difficult for a parent to see that look as they go about their busy work day, working full time, some even with two jobs, in order to keep up their family and stay afloat. They might notice that dead look, but all they can do is watch as their son or daughter grow further and further away.
When a child has the glazed over look, they cease to care. They don't care about the dangers of using drugs-because at least they have something that makes them feel good. They don't care if they get killed in a gang, because at least they're surrounded by people who pretend to care. The worse thing that parents can do to their children is treat them with indifference, as if they don't matter. Some parents treat their children as pets, to be used for their own purposes (such as babysitting, etc.) or ignored completely.
I see the dead look in their eyes and I can't help but know what it means. The real struggle for me, is trying to wake them from their slumber-trying to help them care again. I sometimes feel as though I am attempting to wake the dead. It's difficult to make a child who has been through so much excited about anything-because no one has been consistent in their lives. When people have promised things, they have not followed through. Activities promised have fallen through, and just when that poor child started to care about something, they were hurt. Time after time that happened, until one day-in order to stop hurting-the body's natural self-defense mechanism kicks in, and indifference sets in.
Indifference. Chidren need encouragement and guidance. They can't be left to fend for themselves because this is exactly what will happen-they will join gangs and watch as their friends die in front of them. Pretty soon, they'll try drugs to make the pain they still feel go away... but it won't. And pretty soon, that lifestyle is the only one they know. Dreams like attending college or having a real job are just pipe dreams and unrealistic in a world where respect is law and you have to watch your back every day.
Most of my job is about counseling-encouraging my kids to do what they know is right. Problem is, many of them don't know what's right anymore because it somehow got lost along the way. I encourage kids to care about their future and where they are headed-but most of them haven't even thought about where they'll be in a year, let alone two weeks from now. They are too busy thinking about today. today. today.
These kids are so bright, and they don't even know it. They can talk so well about their sad experiences that it could bring tears to your eyes... but they still are afraid to want more than they have.
In all honesty, I was once one of those haunted children, although it feels like so long ago now. But people helped to lift me up, and made me realize that I could achieve anything I wanted. That mentality has helped carry me through some of the most difficult times in my life... and I want to pass it along to others.
I had the opportunity to visit the real jail for kids-the Youth Authority-where they send the "worst" kids. And though I saw a watered-down "nice" version of the real thing (they let us meet only the best behaved kids), I realized that they talked about murdering people and doing drugs as if discussing the weather. It seemed that nonchalant. I was struck by the realization that these are dead kids that no one had reached out to yet, or had yet to be successful at reaching.
I just wish there was some way to reach every kid, to somehow find a way to wake the dead and bring out the best in each of them. But for now, I feel as though God has really put a difficult task on my plate. He has sent me the knowledge, and has shown me the path to walk, but it is a difficult and challenging one. I sometimes get discouraged when I can't raise a child up enough to the point where he believes in himself. But in the end, I am so glad just to be a part of their lives.
I pray that I one day get the opportunity to have children. If so, I want to lead and guide them and be an active part of their lives so that I never have to see that sad look in their eyes, and never have to watch as they fade away into hopelessness.