My trust issues

I was going to write about something completely different, but let me address something that I have found is really an essential item in any of our lives: trust.
All of my life, I have found it difficult to trust people. That probably stems back from my childhood; when my mom said something, she wouldn't follow through with it. I could never trust her when she treated me well as I was always waiting for her to turn into her other side-the monster that often came out at seemingly random times.
Fast forward to my adult life: trust has become the one thing that I've held onto. Trust is the basic foundation for a good friendship, a good relationship, and a good sense of self. Trust is essential in business negotiations, in partnerships, in When you trust other people, you are more likely to open up to them, more likely to be your real self, more likely to be honest.
Trust is essential in our interpersonal relationships because I feel that if you can't be real with someone, then why have a relationship with them at all? The best friendships, business dealings, etc. are when you can be real and honest with people because they are deeper and therefore more meaningful.
Ultimately, I bring this up because trust is often difficult to build up-trust takes time and consistency.
For example, if you are attempting to build that feeling of trust with someone, there are several factors that you might try to maintain with that person-for example-consistency in your dealings, keeping your word, being honest, etc. Trust, as my friend always says, should be earned, not given.
So when I try to trust someone, I try to see if they're consistent, honest, faithful, true to themselves and others, etc. Then, and only then, I will trust them. Oddly enough, there are only a few people that I really trust. It's always disappointing to find someone that I thought I could trust who betrays me because once trust is broken, it's very difficult to earn back.
I really wanted to take a moment to analyze this: if we do not trust others, then we are closed to them. We do not open ourselves up for the possibility of deeper relationships (or even love) because we won't allow ourselves to reach that level where there might be the possibility of being hurt.
But then I look at the importance of trust. Because it's so difficult to earn, and almost impossible to earn back once lost, I realize that I place a great emphasis in my life on being trustworthy. That is probably why the job I have fits so well with my moral character. I wouldn't say that I'm the best at what I do, but I'm decent because at the very basic level, I'm honest with people.
It reminds me that when I feel people are honest with me, I'm more inclined to listen to what they say. When I'm being sold a product, for example, if I believe they are honest, I begin to build a sort of trust in what they are saying-and pretty soon, I might be more inclined to purchase the product than I would if I thought they were lying.
Even BAD guys understand the importance of trust. Let me tell you something bad that happened to me when I was younger: I was stalked. No matter what I did, no matter what I said, this person continued to like me and continued to do creepy things including following me home, calling my house constantly, putting things in my locker at school, etc. Eventually, I had to get a sort of restraining order and I took a self-defense course. What I learned was really true (if you're interested more in this, you need to read everything you can by the auther Gavin Debecker--brilliant!) ... basically, the bad guys understand us better than we understand ourselves.
They understand that in order to get us to do things we normally wouldn't, we have to trust them. For example, DeBecker uses a real life example in his book "The Gift of Fear." He uses one woman's real life rape story to illustrate how an innate feeling of fear is often our own body's way of giving us a clue that something is wrong. But it also illustrates another point: it shows how a rapist uses his ability to quickly gain a woman's trust in order to rape her. The woman comes home with a bag of groceries, and the man quickly notices her groceries (and notices a can of cat food) and offers to help her with them. He says something along the lines of, "We've got a hungry cat to feed." to make the woman feel comfortable enough to trust the man enough to allow him to help her. Inevitably, he helps her and then rapes her. But my point isn't to point out how disturbing people can be or that you CAN'T trust people (even though I know this is about trust), but my point is simply that even the WORST people understand the importance of trust.
So trust is important to people; it's important to me. The biggest measure of a person in my heart is how much I can trust them. If I tell them things and then suddenly word leaks out, then clearly I cannot trust that person. There are things in my life that are so personal that I've done-mistakes I've made, that I would want to share with someone personally if I choose to. The things I share with people shouldn't be a punch line behind my back or something to talk about.
It's amazing to me that even as adults, many of us still struggle with this. I still struggle with it too. Sometimes, someone tells me something and I just can't believe it. I want to run to that person (not just walk-but RUN) and ask them, "hey, I just heard this... is it true?" but I have to supress my need to "know" and try to evaluate my amount of respect for the person who told me-and my amount of respect for myself. Inevitably, I make mistakes. I open my mouth when I shouldn't. But sometimes, when I am betrayed, I wish that person would have spent a little more time thinking about how it might affect me so that they might just have changed their mind about saying something.
I need to work on my trust issues. I know that having been stalked, having a mom whose behavior changed like the wind, and never really quite uderstanding where I stood, being cheated on, the job I have etc. all made me trust people just a little bit less.
But when I trust less, I also love less. But I am working on being a better person every day. I need to be able to trust, but I also need to believe that OTHER people besides me believe in the importance of being honest and trustworthy in today's times.
One last example before I end this long blog. When my last boyfriend *almost* cheated on me and then lied to me about it, my trust in him was shattered-and I realized something. It wasn't the fact that he had *almost* cheated that really hurt me. It was the fact that he had covered it up and then lied to me about it, even when I had the proof in my hands. THAT was what hurt the most. I had placed my trust in him, and he had so little respect for me that he felt it was okay to lie to me in order to protect himself, even knowing as he did that trust was so important to me. Now, it has inevitably affected the way I am in my relationships-some ways for the better, but some ways, for the worse. I trust less. I ask more questions. I pretend that I don't care, but secretly, I do. Sometimes I am afraid to trust people-because I wonder when the time will come that they will hurt me. But lately, I've realized that you can't hold on to hurts so much or they will completely devour you. Instead, trust in YOURSELF and believe in YOURSELF. Trust the decision you made in the first place-to love someone, to be in a relationship, whatever, and don't question yourself. That's how I think I got stalked originally. I questioned myself. I didn't trust what I was feeling. That's why that woman was raped-she didn't trust that feeling in the pit of her stomach that told her something was wrong.
Ultimately, the greatest trust is the trust you have in yourself. Believe in yourself, the way I, your friend, believe in you. Try to think of how it will make others feel before you talk about them behind their back. Place an emphasis on trust.
What do you think? Is trust important to you? Where do you stand? Has it affected your relationships? Can you offer me some advice?