Wanted: A Vacation

So I'm going on vacation. I haven't been away or taken a break in a really long time. But lately, I've been frustrated for reasons that I've already told many of you. I've included an abridged version here.The truth is, I'm disappointed in myself for so many reasons and a lot of it has to do with my own sort of craziness. I don't suffer from any addictions; I have a good job; I try to do right by everyone all the time; I am hard-working, dedicated, try to be a good friend, etc. You could pretty much say I'm normal in many ways. But I just can't help but wonder why it is that after time and time again, I continue to fall into similar patters of thinking and behavior and frustration inevitably sets in.I am an over-achiever by nature; I admit it. When I set my mind on something, I just keep pushing forward no matter how difficult it becomes. But when I can't achieve that one thing, I forget all of my other successes and seem to focus on that one thing I did wrong or that thing I wish I could have done …It's a strange place to be because I am naturally an optimist in just about every aspect of my life. But sometimes I play tug-o-war with myself and end up confused and frustrated. I can't seem to figure out why I continue to find myself interested in people who have no interest in me. It would be one thing if I could understand what the problem is or why their lack of interest was clear, but it's not. That's the crazy thing; I can't seem to figure it out. I feel like the kid on the playground that nobody will play with, but no one will tell me why. One part of me wants to ask, "what is it?" I mean, am I too fat, too short, too tall, too ugly (I hope it's not the ugly thing-I can't do much about that). I want to know what it is … so maybe I could change it, or maybe, just maybe, in knowing the answer, I'd come up with a darned good reason why they would not be a good fit for me. The other part of me, the one that grew up sensibly and who knows that there's more to life than superficiality wants to SCREAM out loud that being a good person makes up for all the other stuff (being too fat, tall, ugly, etc.) and that a real man would not be daunted by those things because in 20 years, who gives a damn what we look like.But then I remember that I live in California and I can't believe what choices I made to bring me here only to help me find success in one manner (my job) but leaving me completely devastated in another. There are so many places out there where someone like me would have no problems attracting good people; when I return home, I always seem surrounded by people of value, culture, kindness, etc. I'm reluctant to date them because I know that our time together will be short. But for as long as I've lived in California, I've only ever found a handful of people like me … or who I think are pretty great, and they have no interest in me. After all, why would they? They get to see beautiful bodies, perfect makeup, and botox every day … what makes me special? Well okay, so I think I'm pretty special; I don't think I have an ego. But honestly, I can bring a lot to the table in any relationship. I think I'd be darn good at it—not because I have an ego about it—but because I know that real relationships take work and I am willing to work at it and have fun and enjoy one another and really live. I have done it in all my relationships and I feel that's why they never want to let me go … but in the end, I needed to be happy and so I left. There's only so much trying before you realize that they are the Grand Canyon and you will never be able to fill them up …So where does that leave me? Having a great job, a wonderful sense of humor, fantastic friends, only to be miserable and lonely going home to a cold, empty house? Maybe I'm too sensitive, maybe I'm a lot of things. But I just don't understand why all these crazy, selfish chicks end up getting someone while I am supposed to be happy with the single life.The single life gets old. Not wanting to be single doesn't make me desperate; that much is clear. If I were desperate, I could (and would) have gotten together with someone a lonnng time ago (or several times-depending on the way you look at it) but I don't … I don't because I have standards and because I am still holding on to some stupid idea that the right person is out there waiting for me.But at some point, I'm going to have to settle for whomever comes along and I wonder if I'll ever be truly happy? I think I'd rather be alone, not have to answer to anyone, not have to work at something I know in my heart is never going to work out … but on the other hand, I don't know.I just don't understand what is missing about me. I think that if I moved to another state, I might have the opportunity to find someone wonderful, but I'll be out of a job and probably a place to live. So do I sacrifice all of this stuff I've worked so hard for just at the opportunity to find someone wonderful to have in my life?The truth of the matter is, I don't just want someone else to make my life complete. That's not what it's about. It's about being bored … it's about the fact that I am always thinking about things… okay, well here's the deal. You know I can say that I'm not Miss Universe in looks (I'm okay) and I can say that I don't have the perfect body. But one thing I do have, for better or worse, is intelligence. I think about things all the time and if I wasn't asleep, I'd probably never get my mind to shut-up. It sucks to be intelligent I think because I don't like talking about superficial things as much as I like breaking the mind-barrier and talking about things that make us better people and make us learn more about things. For example, I want to know how things work and what people feel about the universe and God and everything. I want to know what makes a car run on gas and just how a magnifying glass is made. And how is it that hummingbirds can fly backwards? These are the things that I want and need to know and honestly, ordinary conversation (i.e. what did you do this week? What's the weather like? Etc.) will be okay for a while, but all it does it leave me wanting for more substantial conversations or waiting for someone who touches, even for a moment, on something real and thoughtful.People that think about these things intrigue me because I can't help but want to pick their brains. Anyone with intelligence is worth listening to because they probably have thought about things I haven't even begun to conceptualize and for someone who's intelligent, it helps me be a better person.That's right, I believe that it helps me be a better person when I surround myself with intelligent people. I don't learn anything by talking about the weather or about what shoes are on sale at Nordstrom. I don't grow; I am just like debris floating in the water, any movement merely at the mercy of the waves. I can't settle for that. I can't settle for a life where someone doesn't challenge me. I can't settle for a relationship where I'm always having to lift up or encourage the other person. Because I need encouragement too. I need to be challenged.But I am more intelligent than a lot of people and (I won't lie about this) I am bored to tears when we talk about things or go on a date. Where's the real stuff? The good stuff? Where is the person who wants similar things?Every time I find that person, or someone like that, I cling to them because I think they're amazing (you should never let a good mind go to waste) and because I need it. I need it in a way I can't even begin to understand or describe. It's like my ice cream, if that makes any sense.J (the guy I dated for two years) was like that … we'd sit and have the most amazing philosophical debates. It was like I could be myself around him, with conversations that were silly and stupid at times, or deep and meaningful, He loved Disneyland on one hand (like I do) but loved to drink coffee, listen to a local band, and talk about the universe and where it was going. He'd turn the lights low and he'd take out his favorite books and he'd read to me, and then we'd talk about it afterward. I'd share snippets of my favorite writing I'd done and he'd gently critique me. That was more fulfilling than anything I've ever known in my entire life. I can't imagine what he's going through right now with his relationship where the girl is as shallow as a 3 foot swimming pool. It's not her fault; it's just that she can't figure out why every time we get together, we have so much stuff to talk about. She always says we "go off in our own world" and leave her out of it. We don't mean to, but we're just so much alike and intelligent, that we thrive on that sort of thing. She is left behind because, bless her poor little thing, she's just not as intelligent and can't keep up.I never wanted to admit that I was more intelligent than anyone else. I didn't want to think of myself as different or better or worse or whatever. But the reality is, I am. I can't run from it or hide from it, or change it with botox. All I can do is hope that somewhere in this stupid sea of superficiality there emerges a person who wants the same things as me or at least can save me from my own mental prison of boredom.Everyone always tells me that I'm a pretty good person, but it's stopped being good enough. It's not good enough that I'm wonderful, loyal, considerate, kind, blah blah blah … it only seems to matter what I look like—and quite frankly, I could care less about that. Because I want people to remember me for the good things I did and the kind of person I was. I don't give a damn if they remember me as pretty. What I wouldn't give to make a real difference in the world or change something or change someone's life for the better …Anyways, with regards to all this, I continue to be interested in people who aren't interested back. You can't force people to be interested; you can't force people to like you or be attracted to you, and for that, in some ways, I'm glad. But on the other hand, it makes me sad too because I am painfully aware of how many guys pass me up because I don't "look like a model" or because I'm just a little whiter than everyone else. If that's even what it is. Perhaps I'm passed up because I am not interested in the mundane, try not to get caught up in drama of it all ...So I feel torn between two worlds, if that makes sense—the intelligent one and the superficial one. I am disappointed in myself because … well for obvious reasons. I can't change who I am and worse, I don't think I'd want to be dumber even if I tell myself I might be happier that way.Another reason I'm disappointed in myself is because I tell myself that everything's going to be all right. I am going to be all right. I tell myself I'm going to lose 40 pounds so that even Stupid Superficial Guy will give me a chance… but then I don't. I consciously tell myself I will go to the gym every day, but then, inevitably, something comes up. Something always seems to come up.Most importantly, I'm disappointed in myself for even caring. I should just keep on keepin' on (as someone once told me) but every so often, little reminders come up and poke me sharply. Perhaps it was my boss the other day who casually asked me when I was going to "get started on finding a man" in front of all my co-workers, or my father who made it clear he didn't want me to be a "spinster." If only he knew …But being non-desperate (and having a life!) also sometimes means I don't get to go out and look for someone. It means I go to work and come home and do my stuff and volunteer where I can and hope that someone will just magically bump into me and realize hey, she's pretty great … but they don't. And yet another year goes by … People say I'm too picky, but if it were only superficial things I was looking for, finding someone would be all too easy. If only I could pretend …So that's the deal. I'm upheld by my silly stupid morals that say "don't sleep around" and for "be a good person" and for "tutor kids" and "make a difference" and all that other nice-people-bullshit that I somehow actually believed. But real life isn't a Disney move and I guess the more time goes by, the more I realize that, and the more disappointed I become.On days when I'm not "full of sunshine" everyone asks me what's wrong. As if I'm not allowed to have a bad day? Or worse, I feel like I have to always be on my "best behavior" because I'm single. Also, I feel I could never settle for just anyone because I could never put up with someone in my life who wasn't supportive and kind … because I know myself and I know I could never do it.Anyways … I'm disappointed for even caring about it, for even wanting more than (for whatever reason I'm not getting). I want to forget about it, push it to the back of my mind and just live my life. But I can't …I can't because every time I see someone my age with a little kid, I think to myself, "I want one of those." But stupid society has made it a bad thing to actually WANT children. Oh sure, people complain and bitch about their children but always were the "best thing that's ever happened to them" but they rarely say they "planned" the birth. That's the thing, there's nothing wrong with wanting kids. But yet it's just another thing I can't have because I would never do it the wrong way (ie get pregnant out of being in a loving committed relationship) and only want a baby's daddy who wants to be there! So that's just another thing I'm not getting to have … and it sucks because I've always wanted to be a good mommy.Instead, I tutor kids and volunteer and even work with kids, and the truth is, it's still not enough. I use all the volunteer-work to fulfill the spot in my heart … but the hole is still there, ever gnawing at me and tugging me in places I don't want to admit I have.So that's the deal. I'm disappointed in myself for wanting these things, but what can I do? I'm only human. I'm not desperate, I just need more than something ordinary.
Anyways, I'm giving myself the opportunity to go to Hawaii and let it all go. Just let the ocean breeze carry my thoughts away on the wind and listen as the sounds of the ocean soothe my heart.
I think things will be okay and perhaps it will take me going away to Hawaii to remember that being picky is not a bad thing. Going to Hawaii will give me a mental chance to start over. Or perhaps what it will take to have a real chance to start over is having the courage and strength to move on and move away ...