Getting Older

So here's a random thought: I was driving home today and while driving down a really really busy street, I noticed this older gentleman who is probably around his late sixties, early seventies, trying to cross the road in the middle of the traffic. He wasn't at a light or a signal. Just trying to go across the way so many people do in Santa Ana: just run out into traffic-after all, people will slow down.
What made his effort so unbelievable was the fact that the man couldn't go very fast. He was the equivalent of one of those people who should be using a walker, but doesn't perhaps out of their own stubborness or perhaps because, on this ocassion, he decided to leave the walker at home and thought he'd have a better chance of going solo.
It was almost funny. But it wasn't. My first thoughts were that after my errand down the street, it wouldn't surprise me if, on my return trip, he was still making his way across the traffic. The only problem is, moving that slow on a busy street seemed more like an act of suicide than the actions of a man simply out for an afternoon stroll.
So I suppose he made it all right: when I returned from my errand, I half expected to see him-but he was gone.
Still, it made me realize that if I wanted to cross the street right now, I could. If I wanted to go sky-diving or snow-skiing naked, I could. I have my arms and legs and can walk or even run if I feel like it. That should never be taken for granted because one day I realize that I'm not going to have the ability to do that anymore, and I'm going to long for the days I did.
I don't want to live my life thinking of what I could have done. Which reminds me of the post I put up a couple of days ago. I chase after things I want (especially love) because I don't want to look back and think, "I could have done that if only I tried." I could have had love if only I would have asked for it.
The only problem is, I feel like I'm a good person. But I didn't get to choose the package I came in. I got to come in this one. And quite frankly, if all I am judged by is how I look (good or bad) then I would rather have the priveledge and honor of being alone for the rest of my life than the curse of being with someone who places emphasis on what I look like. Because seeing that old guy today only reminded me that there will come a day when none of us will look pretty anymore. I'd rather have someone by my side I trusted and cared about, than the most handsome guy I know. I'm okay with being single forever if it means not having to always feel as though I'm not good enough in some way.
Those people who judge people based on looks are the ones I know are the most immature. It doesn't surprise me when I find them, years later, miserable. They found their "perfect mate" but had to pay a price for it in the end. But that's another topic for another blog ...
Meanwhile, enjoy what you have while you have it. Seriously ... we are going to be old and wrinkley and unable to move someday. Guess we'd better be able to enjoy it now.
One final note: I took a walk today and found myself on a trail that leads to the ocean. The vast beauty stretched across the sky and the shore was dotted with boats too small to make out in the distance. The wind was blowing gently, the sky was clear, and a feeling of complete peace overcame me. A lot of scary things have happened lately with my health and personal life and I know that even though I will one day get older, and one day lose my ability to walk across the street because my legs might not taking me, knowing not only that I could have, but that I can will make all the difference. And maybe, fourty years from now will find me trying to cross the sea of cars if only to look for some fleeting adventure on the other side.