In Memory

I have been rejoicing in my last few hours of being 20-something. I came across a journal I wrote on January 3, 2005 as follows:
"I was shocked to learn of his condition. Co-workers had heard he would probably not make it through the night. He had gone into cardiac arrest either on Christmas or the day after. He was in a coma. The family had requested that no one visit. His legs and arms were turning black because of lack of blood circulation. Still in a coma, his family had made the heartbreaking decision to take him off the ventilator.
The told me about his condition on January 1rst and it was to happen later that evening. What's sad is that I just saw his smiling face a couple of weeks ago. I remember thinking how sick-how unwell-he looked. He was wearing shorts and his legs were thin and pale.
The last time we worked together, he told me, "Nice guys finish last," as he nervously adjusted his beanie he always wore. I knew he was talking about himself. Now, during Christmas, a time supposed to be filled with light and joy, a very good man was fighting for his life.
All that night I could barely sleep. My mind saddened with the news and my heart hoping for the miracle I knew would not come. To my dismay, I heard that he had passed sometime around 9:30 p.m. that night.
And so, cancer has taken yet another life tonight. I didn't know him very well and yet something feels different-I feel different.
The world suddenly seems colder without him. As I drove to work today, the same routine I follow every day, I was reminded that the world was still pushing forward whether or not I was ready for it to. The parking lot was full as it always was, as if nothing had ever happened. And it has been raining.
So here I am, carrying on. I don't think it has quite sunk in yet, and I'm not sure I want it to. Every time I think of him, I see his smiling face and his quiet, gentle kindness. He will be missed."
I wrote that post over two years ago and it still affects me deeply. It seems like such a sad thing when the world lets wonderful, kind, and seemingly amazing people pass on from us to go wherever they go when they die. His words, "nice guys finish last" has continued to stick in my heart because a part of me feels he was right.
Death is a part of life and growing another year older is a part of that too. But it just makes me remember how precious life is and how we can't waste one single moment of it. Yet we do. We waste it with the wrong person, with the wrong ideas, with the wrong job, with the wrong outlook on life.
You know, Victor (that's his name) worked almost up to the end. He had to have suspected he was getting sick again. Yet he came, day after day, shift after shift, and put in his time and his heart into his job. He was one of those guys who had this presence about him that was always stronger in a silent way. He never yelled at the kids and I never once saw him get upset to the point of frustration. It was as if he knew a secret that everyone else didn't. Of course, he was struggling with things most of us don't have to deal with in a lifetime.
As a strange side note, I filled in for his shift the day of his funeral service. I couldn't bring myself to go. So it seems fitting that I should fill in for him as a sort of last tribute and payment of respect. All throughout the shift, I said small silent prayers that he would find peace in his final resting place.
The only regret that I have is that I never really took the time to get to know him. How many great people do we work with and we never really take the time to get to know? How many people are in our lives that we never know who they really are? I wish I would have asked him what he liked to do for fun or what kind of movies he liked. I wish I could have found out his story or how he came to work with me.
I am going to make an effort to listen more and talk less; I've said that before. I want to be less selfish. I want to know about people. I want to find out who they are and what makes their world go round. Anyways, this is in memory of Victor and all those who have come before in my life who have passed away and I never got the opportunity to know as well as I'd like.
Joey-You were always kind to me. I'm sorry the last words I spoke were unkind. You were a great friend. (Joey and his family all died in a fire)
Paula-I wish I would have helped you in your garden. If only I would have knocked on your door just one more time ... (Paula fell in her kitchen and was there for two days and died. No one came to rescue her)
Gary-You were always great to me as my partner in drama. You always made me laugh. (Gary was killed in a hunting accident)
Sharon-Your stories, your crazy cats, your love of the Angels, and your heart will always be missed.
This is to remember all the good people who were part of someone's life and will always be remembered in mine.