Finding Yourself

Many people have heard about my past and have judged me negatively because of it. Most of the time, I choose not to reveal my past to anyone for that very reason. Some might claim that I am a closed person who doesn't delve too much into personal history and while that is true, I think I do it mostly to protect myself. But the main question most people ask when they find out is, "How did you come out so normal?"

The answer to that question is a difficult one, but I think the secret lies in a basic fundamental idea, the idea of finding yourself.

The truth is, when I was younger, even though I had two brothers and two sisters, I didn't really have anyone to play with. But even thought no one was around, no one told me what choices I had to make, no one ever told me WHO I had to be.

We conform because society tells us to, because we want--and often need-the acceptance of others. So we often form our likes and dislikes based on what others like and don't like. It's this idea of "modeling" that we learn from a very young age. You often see toddlers imitating the actions or vocalizations of those around them-thus form the basic foundations for speech and this behavior of copying others' actions allows children to learn faster.

Eventually, however, the child develops a sense of "autonomy" (independence or freedom, as of the will or one's actions) and eventually will discern one item over another--a blue crayon over a purple crayon and thus will begin the pattern of preference and like versus dislike. Perhaps they form a negative association after eating badly cooked broccoli and thus decide that they'd rather eat another green vegetable.

Ultimately, the search for self goes deeper than that. It's about knowing who you are and liking that person. It's not being afraid to have an opinion even if you know it differs from others, it's accepting where you come from, your past (such as the case may be) whether or not those around you can accept and or appreciate it.

I think that one of the biggest challenge of the teenage years is the transition between being a child and being an adult--and part of that is about finding onself--figuring out where one wants to go in life--figuring out what direction to take, what path to go down. When you're a child, you think that there are limitless possibilites--but as you progress through your teenage years, you begin to see that you have to make a decision, several in fact, about where to go after college, what to do with your life, who you want to be "when you grow up." Suddenly the future of limitless possibilities is limited by all of your previous choices and previous progress including grades, social standing, etc.

The issue always becomes how do people miss that point in their lives when the start discerning what they like versus what they dislike and making that transition to discovering themselves. Some people figure out who they are earlier than others: they dream of being an astronaut at age five and grow up to be just that. Others, figure out after going through high school and picking a path in college. However, there are millions of countless others who wander aimlessly through life waiting for that strike of lightning, that stroke of inspiration, to tell them who they are.

Who are you? How do you find yourself? As an adult, figuring out who you are is impossible if you're not ready to understand and grasp a basic fundamental acceptance of what you're not. If you can accept what you're not, if you can decide what you *don't* like, then finding out what you do like is part of the joy of living.

Let me give an example. Let's pretend that you have three kinds of lunch meat in front of you: salami, bologne, and turkey. You know for a fact that you don't like bologne, so you won't ever eat it. But turkey isn't available, so you choose salami. You like salami, it tastes good, but you prefer turkey. But you don't have turkey so you accept the salami and forget about how you previously thought that salami was only okay. But what would happen if all of a sudden someone introduced you to ham? Suddenly it becomes your favorite lunch meat. Now the question is, would you be influenced by your friends who all seem to prefer turkey? Or would you stand firm in your knowledge that you like ham? Would you question yourself as to what you really like?

In finding yourself, you know what meat you like and you don't care what others like. You take their interests into consideration, but ultimately, you settle on ham because it's what YOU like. There's nothing wrong with salami, bologne, or any of the others. But you like ham. That's what knowing yourself is all about.

For me, the secret to my growing up and becoming "normal" is because I refused to accept that I was a victim. I refused to play that part, and blame issues on my past and therefore refuse to work on them. But ultimately, I became who I was supposed to be because I found myself and discovered that I am in a race with myself and whether or not anyone else understands or appreciates that, it has transformed me into the person I am today.

When you find yourself, you are happy, no matter what is going on around you; you find happiness in even the smallest of things. True happiness starts within yourself. When that happens, you stop letting people walk all over you, you take control of your own life. You know in your heart what you want, and you're not afraid to get it. You set standards for yourself and you keep them. Other people's opinions of you only act as a guidebook for improvement, but don't dictate the direction you are going.

This is in finding yourself. Those who are lost aimlessly wander about, flounder in the water and waffle in their decisions, but they forget the ultimate secret is that the truth of who they are lies within themselves.
They only need to listen to their hearts and let go of what others think and what they think others want.

Knowing yourself isn't being selfish, it's about figuring out your own likes and dislikes. If you don't know yourself, how can you share yourself with another? If you don't know who you are, how can you expect another to know the answer to that question?

Find yourself, so that you can open yourself up and share yourself with another. You will never be able to give 100% if you don't know yourself 100%.