Why We Are Attracted To Broken

On some levels, we are all broken. We all let the things in our lives affect us, our pasts, our experiences, our friends, our families, our biases, our filters, our prejudices, etc. In truth, we are all to some extent a product of our environments!
In our everyday lives, we have the opportunities to interact with people who, like ourselves, have been broken. Some people take the things that happen to them, and take time to reflect, time to adjust themselves, and regroup back to center. Those people have an internal "compass" that eventually points back to their True North. These people don't let their past hurts color their lives or their future. They have the unique ability to be able to learn from the past, and forgive themselves and others, and move on.
For everyone else, however, life is a constant journey toward reaching that True North, that center. I think that many people search their whole lives to find happiness, but they reach for it, only to find themselves just short of it time after time.
One thing I have noticed in talking to people, is just how many broken people really are out there. In your lifetime, especially depending on what you do for your career, you'll probably come across plenty of broken people. If you're good at reading body language, you'll be able to see it in the way they carry themselves, or that faraway distant look in their eyes. But often, we can't tell when people are broken.
So when we get into a relationship with them, we often find ourselves slowly drifting away from "healthy" and into unhealthy without even realizing it.
Sometimes, when we find ourselves in an unhealthy relationship, we often wonder exactly how it is we got there. It didn't start out unhealthy, right? I think we tend to blame ourselves and our own shortcomings (at first) for the reason that things aren't going the way we think they should. So we try harder or we stick around longer, or just the opposite, we give up too early and we run away. The question really comes down to: how do I know I'm in an unhealthy relationship and what can I do about it?
I would, unfortunately argue, that people prefer to stay in an unhealthy broken relationship—but I'll get to that shortly. I think that there are some tell-tale signs when you're in a relationship that's not healthy. In the end, it's up to you to decide when to stay and when to go. But here are some things that I've seen from observing other couples and from past experiences. This stuff is just my opinion. I'm not a doctor; I have no formal training and I certainly don't profess to be an expert or know anything more than the common person. I just observe things and this is what I have seen or witnessed. So take it with a grain of salt if you wish, I won't be offended.
Signs of "Unhealthy":
Demeaning ArgumentsLet's face it, everyone has disagreements—every relationships goes through moments of discourse and unhappiness. I would argue that it's normal to argue! :P It's normal to have a difference in opinion or to not agree on everything. When you need to recognize it's unhealthy is when the other person (or when YOU) put someone down while you're arguing. Now, if you do this in every argument, then you might need to look at yourself and look at how you communicate with other people. But that's too much to look at right now. I should also mention that there are "levels" of healthy (and who's to say in the end how healthy it has to be or what really is healthy. But I can help you determine for yourself how to tell the difference, even if the wording is different). Here's an example of a healthy vs. unhealthy argument.
Let me set the scenario up for you: You and your boyfriend are supposed to go out to dinner. He promised. He's promised you a "date night" for weeks. Of course, given your busy schedules, it has to be after work. But the day comes and he calls you and asks you if he can go get a drink with the guys instead. Here's how it all plays out …
Healthy Argument:You: You really pissed me off today. Them: Why? What did I do?You: Well, I'm upset because you promised that you would take me out to dinner tonight, and you blew me off to go have a drink with the guys and now it's too late to go out.Them: But you said it was okay.You: I know, but I figured you be back in time and … blah blah blah.
Now, one thing you'll notice immediately is that this is more like an interaction than an argument. There's a vital component that's missing from the above conversation and why (in my opinion) things aren't escalating. Now, let's take a look at an unhealthy conversation (same topic).
Unhealthy:You: You are such an ass! You promised me that you'd take me out to dinner. But you forgot!Them: I'm not an ass! I just wanted to have a drink with the guys! I don't see what the big deal is! Why are you getting so upset?You: Because you promised to take me out for weeks! We never go out anymore and it pisses me off when you say you're going to do something and don't do it! You're just so insensitive!Them: Look, I've had a long day, I was tired, and I just forgot, okay?You: That's the problem, you're always forgetting … blah blah blah…Them: Why are you being such a bitch?
Okay, so whenever I'm in a relationship, I really try to pay attention to how they are interacting with me when we argue or disagree. Are they willing to discuss the problem rationally and not make it a personal attack? Because that's a bad (bad) sign. The reason that I think that arguments sometimes escalate into something unhealthy is because one person tends to attack the other person. Look at the unhealthy conversation above. You'll notice that at some point, one person started calling the other person an "ass" which made the other person instantly defensive.
Anyways, I guess my ultimate point is simply that, when you are in an unhealthy relationship, things are eventually going to blow up out of control, no matter what.
The biggest way to tell if you're in an unhappy relationship is to ask yourselves how you feel about yourself when you're with them. Do they make you feel good about yourself? If you can't be honest with them (big red flag), you walk away feeling drained, or you find yourself wanting more and more time away from them, these are all indicators of a bad relationship. This doesn't necessarily mean it has to be a romantic relationship. You can have an unhealthy relationship with a neighbor, friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever. It doesn't really matter.
What matters is, a good person will try to lift you up, support you, make you feel good about yourself, challenge you (in a good way), encourage you, etc. They'll make you want for more, just being around them. They have a way of making you feel good about yourself, and enjoying their company. If you aren't having things go the way you want them to go, then sometimes you must stop and take a look around, and ask yourself why.
Now here's the saddest part (in my opinion). I think if you gave people a choice between choosing a broken relationship and choosing a healthy one, they'd inadvertently choose the unhealthy one every single time. And here's why… because people (whether they realize it or not) would rather be broken. I've touched on this before, but let's take a look closer, okay?
What's the difference between someone who's crazy, and someone who's normal? Okay, crazy is unpredictable. Imagine crazy is like a roller coaster ride: you can never predict what's going to happen next with that person. Therefore, crazy is more exciting because you will experience higher highs and lower lows with crazy. If you don't know what to expect, it instantly beckons that side of you that craves change and unpredictability. That side of you convinces yourself that there is something "special" or "different" about this person, and you're right. I've heard this said a MILLION times. The person will always tell me, "there was just something about this person that I couldn't quite put my finger on …" and later as they lay with their heart in the gutter, wondering what it all means, I'm reflecting on the fact that yet another person has confirmed what I already know: that person that they couldn't quite put their fingers on, was crazy! They just didn't realize it!
You see, crazy is fun at first! Exciting even! It's exciting when you meet someone who is different than you, and yet perhaps a little bit like you-or a little bit of what or whom you'd like yourself to be! If we see someone who, for example, takes all these crazy risks, we'll find ourselves attracted to them because the people we often choose as our partners are a direct reflection of how we see ourselves! Or rather, how we'd like to see ourselves!
Anyways, on the opposite end of the spectrum, are "normal" people. Normal people (although can you really define normal?) are the ones who are stable, have good jobs (or whatever) and minimal drama. These people are consistent, they are like the tea cup ride at the local theme park. While their lives are constantly spinning around them, they stay in one place. They don't go up, they don't go down, they just turn with the environment. Therefore, they're not as exciting! Therefore, they are boring to some. Thus, you'll find a longer line for that roller coaster than you will for the tea cup ride! It's just human nature to want to find that bigger roller coaster, that bigger thrill, that person with the unique qualities that we "can't put our finger on." But here's the think, those people are broken!
The other reason that people prefer to have someone broken in their life is because broken is more newsworthy. Let me explain. If you were to watch the news every night, and it was always about people saving the world, or wonderful things happening, you'd stop watching the news, right? That's the same thing in relationships. Bad news is more newsworthy. Therefore, when someone's in a crappy relationship, it gives them something to talk about with all their friends. It gets them more attention, more compassion, more … whatever! So few people truly are happy these days, but when you find a couple that's truly happy-everyone seems to resent them!
The other reason that the above is true is because … If you find someone normal, someone wonderful, it takes everything you've previously thought about relationships and it changes it. It's like living 20 years of your life and wasting it on terrible people, people you didn't connect with, people you were merely physically attracted to, etc. You see, if you find someone wonderful and all you've had is broken, your whole past doesn't make sense anymore, it was like you wasted all that time with the wrong people. Worse, being with someone wonderful permanently changes how you feel about relationships … suddenly, you start to expect more things from someone. You start to want that same treatment from every relationship. You raise your expectations.
Another reason that I believe people prefer someone broken in their life is because as long as they're in an unhealthy relationship, it allows them never to look inside themselves or make changes in their life! It let's you stay the same, you never have to grow as a person. It's like always looking for someone who's physically attractive, and forgetting about what kind of personality they might have. Would it surprise you if they ended up being a terrible person inside? It shouldn't … Again, like I've said before, people look for people who are a reflection of how they feel about themselves. People who only look for "physical attractiveness" and don't care as much about personality, are they themselves self-conscious about how they look. They want to find someone pretty (handsome) so that they can feel better about themselves. Because if they were ugly, most people wouldn't know that they had a wonderful personality until you got to know them. Some people just can't get past what other people look like. They don't seem to care that life isn't about what you look like, it's about how you feel about yourself. They link physical beauty with inner beauty … but that's another blog for another day. My point is simply that by not looking outside the "box" it allows people to stay in their comfort zone, never challenging themselves to grow or be a better person. I think that people are afraid to think outside the box, they're afraid to be alone (yet another reason I could add but won't), or just don't know what they want. So it's easier to stay the same, and stay with that person.
Finally, I think that people prefer to have someone broken, or to remain in an unhealthy relationship, simply because they don't know what normal looks like. They don't know what having a healthy relationship looks like. There is someone I know whom I think is a wonderful, amazing person. One of these days, I am hoping he realizes that he deserves so much more than what he's getting now from his life. The problem is, he gets into unhealthy relationship after unhealthy relationship and can't ever seem to figure out why. As the years have passed, he continues to remain the same, and never truly finds happiness. Meanwhile, really great women (whom I think he'd do so well with) he passes by. The thing is, I have begun to realize that he probably doesn't even know what healthy is! I don't think he would realize a good thing if it bit him in the ass! And that's sad because … he might miss out on someone amazing all because he continues to look at broken as being normal and okay. But it's not. I don't care how beautiful someone is or how physically attractive they are… in the end, it doesn't make up for them being crazy or them treating you poorly. It just doesn't.
Personally, this subject really hits close to home because … I have gone through a lot in my life-stuff I've worked hard to overcome. You know, I used to get freaked out whenever anyone would come behind me and just touch me on the shoulder. I would flinch if someone came to close to me, and I'd back away. I worked on these issues, and I faced my fears, one by one. Sometimes, I'd ruin potential relationships because of it, or I'd allow my past fears and shortcomings to determine how I'd react in any given situation. But one by one, I faced those things and I've come a long way. But sometimes I feel as though I've worked hard to put those things behind me, only to be passed by because I've got my life together (for the most part). Like I said above, it seems as though people would rather have broken. They'd rather have the girl who has drama (or creates it) or the girl who gives them the roller coaster ride through crazy town. They treat them like crap and ruin potentially great guys by treating them like garbage. Meanwhile, someone like me, who wants and knows what great looks like, who knows a good thing when she sees it, has to side on the side lines and wait for them to even notice me or give me the opportunity to show them what they're missing out on. But the truth is, you shouldn't have to convince someone how great you are. They should be able to see it ... but they don't, because they're used to broken. Maybe (a friend offered this one to me) they think that you're too good to be true and won't give you a chance. So that's what I'm constantly dealing with ... and still waiting for the guy who knows a good thing when he sees it and wants similar things...
I've been waiting for a lonnng time. I'm not complaining; I'd rather wait a lifetime to find someone great than to disillusion myself in finding someone crappy. The truth of it all is, I can't handle getting hurt too many more times; my heart is too sensitive and fragile. But I see how things work, and disappoints me. I try to make sense of why a perfectly good guy would rather stay with "crazy girl" than be with someone like me, and I can't figure it out. Many of my friends ask the same questions, and I can't answer them.
Ultimately, you have a decision to make. You get to decide what makes you happy and what doesn't. But I pray, for your sake, that you pick happiness. Find whatever it is that makes you happy, and do it. Don't settle for sort-of happy (my guy friend told me that the other day), don't settle for "slightly miserable" and don't settle for less than something or someone great. Believe me, they're out there and you will find them! And even if you don't, don't worry.
My final thought is this: a great wise teacher said something to me once and I've applied it to life. I was plugging a formula I'd learned in math into this problem. No matter how many different ways I tried to attack the problem, it didn't work. Nothing seemed to work. I was so freakin frustrated that I wanted to rip up the paper and never touch math again (ugh! I hated that subject)… but when I went back to my teach and he saw all the eraser marks on my paper, he took a look at all the things I'd tried and said, "If you find a formula that isn't working right, stop using it. Don't try it again on another problem, figure out a formula that works, and then try it until you get it right. When you do it right, it should be easy."
In a nutshell, when it's the right thing to do, it should come relatively easily. It shouldn't be that difficult. Relationships don't have to be difficult, especially at the beginning. So if you find that you are putting in a lot of effort with very little result, perhaps you should take a step back, and ask yourself if you are using the right formula, or if you're with the right person.
It's okay to admit defeat; it's okay to move on, and it's okay not to be perfect. After all, it's just math. It's just the rest of your life and a few eraser marks on the paper of your life won't matter when you've gotten the answer or the person right.